Week of Top 5 - Day 1: Bodyguards

This week I'll be featuring five whole days of Top 5 lists. That's right, a whole workweek full of your favorite easily-digestible post format! Each list will factor into my attempt at making the biggest, most epic, and facebook-friendly story arc ever conceived. All will contain some of my favorite fictional characters from movies, novels, television, comics, and video games thrown into one (awesome) universe. So move over, Lord of the Rings. Sit back, Star Wars. Give the teenage angst a break, Harry, because the new chapter in great story ideas starts now.


Background: I'm sitting in my apartment one day, watching the escapades of Horatio and Loretta, when my phone rings. I answer it. "Hello," a voice tells me. "This is the President of the United States." I can't believe it! Steven T. Colbert is calling me from the Oval office! He briefly explains the situation. "The world is in trouble, and we need you to help save it. There's no time to explain, now--bad guys are already on their way to kill you! I'm deploying a team of five bodyguards for your extraction. Who should I send?"

Can I choose anyone? "Anyone," he assures me. "Just say the name and they'll be on their way." I take a moment to think. There are a lot of badasses, but who would I want walking around with me, protecting me from harm? I analyze my options, watch Horatio's confession, and then turn back to the phone. "Okay, Mr. President. Here's who I want."

Top 5 - Personal Bodyguards

#5 - Leeloo (The Fifth Element)


This seems like a pretty obvious choice, doesn't it? Leeloo is, literally, the perfect being. She's also got awesomely orange hair. And she speaks the Divine Language, which apparently includes the words "bada-boom!" Leeloo could protect me from a variety of bad guys, including both humans and aliens. Her bright hair could be used as a distraction to allow me to escape dangerous situations. Better yet, she has a multi-pass! I'd definitely feel safe having her around.

#4 - Léon (Léon: The Professional)


Okay, so this is a Luc Besson-friendly list. But come on, Léon is one of the best assassins out there and would be great for this position. He's proficient with all types of weaponry, has clever moments, can take people out before they even know he's there, and is a generally likable guy. I wouldn't even mind if he brought Mathilda along--she's badass enough to get the job done. What I admire most, though, is Léon's capacity to put other people first. If I'm picking bodyguards, I don't want someone who's going to run out on me just because he's scared for his own life. And, who knows, maybe he would let me use the paintball sniper rifle!

#3 - Mireille Bouquet (Noir)


First of all, 1,000,000 bonus points to you if you know who Ms. Bouquet is. For those of you who don't: Mireille is a top-tier assassin, working under the codename Noir. People tend to underestimate her because she's an attractive young woman with blonde hair and a sweet smile. Those people die. Mireille is highly intelligent, able to put together plans for jobs that other assassins deemed impossible. She also knows how to get out of a tight situation, which is the main reason for her inclusion on this list. When working with her occasional partner Kirika Yumura, she's essentially unstoppable. Under Mireille's protection, there isn't much for me to be afraid of.

#2 - Caroline/Echo (Dollhouse)


I'm assuming that Topher could imprint Echo with some sort of super-bodyguard personality that makes her highly capable of taking out anyone who doesn't have my best interest in mind. But even if that weren't possible, I'd still be plenty happy with her personality in episode 9, as someone who excels at finding and catching spies. Hell, I'd even be happy with just Caroline, before she becomes programmable--based on the few moments of pre-Echo Caroline that the show's given us, she seems to have plenty of intelligence, audacity, and good-looks. But a super-bodyguard imprint wouldn't be bad either.

#1 - Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 2 + 4)


Leon (which is apparently the name your parents give you when you're destined to be a badass) makes the top of this list just for his history. First, there's the whole surviving-a-city-full-of-zombies event. And later, when the President's daughter (not President Colbert's daughter, though) was kidnapped, Leon tracked her down across Europe, eventually fighting his way through a village, castle, and armored island, all full of monsters. Really, really big monsters.


Leeloo, Léon, Mireille, and Echo would all do an amazing job at protecting me from regular henchmen, and even above-average assassins. But I'm not sure any of them have the sheer protective ability shown by Mr. Kennedy. He shielded Ashley from irate villagers, chainsaw-wielding maniacs, and whatever that thing is in the picture above. He's highly proficient in weapon handling, martial arts, and exuding coolness. Best of all: he carries a rocket launcher. Game over, bad guys.

How to Win an Academy Award

Winning an Academy Award (known in laypersons' terms as an Oscar) is like winning the Superbowl for movies. Nothing in the movie-making world is as sought after as that tiny little man-statue. Okay, maybe the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss. But the Twilight movies have that wrapped up for the next 27 years. And this post doesn't really apply to MTV Movie Awards anyway. So back to the Oscars.

Academy Awards are nearly impossible to win. Just ask accomplished actors Martin Sheen (10 Emmy nods) and Gary Oldman (3 MTV Movie nods), who have yet to receive a single nomination. And even if you manage to act your way to a nomination, you could end up like Peter O'Toole, who failed to win for Venus, My Favorite Year, The Stuntman, The Ruling Class, Goodbye Mr. Chips, The Lion in Winter, Becket, and Lawrence of Arabia. (He wasn't even nominated for Supergirl!)

There is, however, one way to cheat. It is the only method through which you are guaranteed, 100%, to get yourself that nomination and end the night holding the shimmering little gold man between your greedy, Cheetos-stained fingers. Do not think this task easy. Many actors have tried this method and, to my knowledge, only one has ever been successful. But maybe, just maybe, if you work hard enough, you could be the second. So here it is, the one way you can be certain to win yourself an Academy Award: be Meryl Streep.

Meryl Streep wins again.

"Ridiculous," you shout! "Impossible," you cry! "Won't that require surgical operations?" you inquire! Well...yes. In all likelihood. But the truth is that being Meryl Streep is the only sure-fire way to win an Academy Award. Sure, some of the more educated readers may point out that Meryl has only won two of her fifteen nominations (that's like a QB rating of 55) as proof that she's far from a lock when it comes to Academy Awards. Those same people, however, haven't read this article.

In case you're lazy, or just don't know how to read, that article says that Mrs. Streep need only show up to the ceremony to walk away with an armful of awards. Okay, technically it just says that the Oscar bosses are "struggling to come up with nominees", and that there was a "general lack of good roles for women", but those are just euphemisms for "We love Meryl, and would give her the award for Best Sound Mixing if we could."

Another way to win is to have no talent whatsoever.

Now I'm not about to knock Meryl Streep, least of all for her acting abilities--she deserves those awards. Also, I saw Doubt. And I'm kind of afraid that only 50% of her performace was acting (brilliant acting, mind you), and the other 50% was just being pants-crappingly terrifying by nature. Maybe the Academy saw The Devil Wears Prada and came to the same conclusion. I wouldn't blame them.

Satan fears this woman.

Okay, time for a quick recap. Academy Awards = Movie Superbowl. Meryl Streep has a QB rating of 55. Meryl Streep is Superbowl champion. Don't ever cross Meryl Streep unless you want to wake up one day with your horse's severed head staring you in your screaming face. Got it? Awesome. Now go get that award!

[Update 9/1: Meryl was kind enough to share her own opinions on the topic.]

Addendum: Meryl, if you happen to be reading this post, I'd just like to say that I actually think you're a tremendously gifted actress, and that I truly enjoy the way your performances force me to wear diapers to the theatres. Best of luck in February.

"Call a Bookstore if You're Hungry"

I've always felt strongly about truth in advertising. There's something fundamentally problematic about feeding consumers false information to trick them into buying something they absolutely do not need. There are plenty of alternative tactics that rely more on the consumer's stupidity, and less on blatant lies. If you decide to waste $20 on a tiddy bear because--holy shit--you'll get a second one for free, then you deserve every second of the crushing realization that you don't even need one of the damn things. However, if I buy a knife set because you tell me it will cut clean through a U.S. Military tank, only to discover that it can't even make it through a fucking tomato, we've got problems. Big problems.

Sure, some amount of exaggeration is to be expected from commercials. This website is a perfect example: if fast food chains took pictures of the actual food they served, we might not have a nationwide obesity problem. But I don't hold this against the fast food chains--the food is made of the same stuff (i.e. not food), the only difference is the appearance. And, I don't know about you, but I don't order McSkillet Burritos for the way they look. (Okay, I don't order them at all--but you get the point.)

The breaking point for me is when companies state that their product can do something, which, in truth, is less likely than Nicolas Cage being a successful action hero. The worst offender has to be Axe deodorant--really, any of the body sprays, but I think Axe is the worst. Don't believe me? Check out this commercial, which basically says Axe=sex. Actually, pretty much any Axe commercial is like that.



The most egregious part of the whole thing is that I have never seen an Axe-soaked guy get closer than teen feet from a girl before she starts complaining about a headache. That's the opposite of sex. So, not only does the product fail to live up to expectations, it also has undescribed negative consequences.

And let's take a second to acknowledge certain television stations. When I was little, I used to blow entire summers watching Cartoon Network. Why? Because I knew that no matter what came on, it would be a cartoon. That's why it's the fucking Cartoon Network! Is this true now? Apparently not. I did some reasearch, and within a 24-hour period, the CN (as they apparently prefer to be called, now) has 5 hours of programming that is--wait for it--not cartoons!

That's over 20%! But, that does still leave 19 hours of cartoons a day, which is respectable. What is not respectable is the non-cartoon shows that are airing. Here's a verbatim description of one of them: "Teams of athletes and drama club members build dump trucks to haul large piles of dirt across a field." Not only does that sound worse than cartoons, it sounds worse than just about anything else on TV. Why the hell would I want to watch kids--or anyone!--haul dirt across a field? No, instead I'll spend the 30 minutes writing an angry letter to the network, asking why they ruined one of the greatest pieces of my childhood.

Bullshit, Cartoon Network--this is not Tom and Jerry!

Cartoon Network has nothing on this next sation, though: MTV. Music Television. You might take that name to mean music playing on a television. If you do, you probably also have a box full of tiddy bears. (Shame on you.) Not that MTV was ever respectable, but check out this fact: in the same 24-hour period, MTV has 17 hours of programming that are in absolutely no way related to music. And, 6 of the 7 hours of programming (sort of) related to music aired from 3-9 AM. Not peak viewing hours. Even then, all 7 hours was the same show, which was half news, half music.

The Weather Channel: For all your cooking needs.

Come on, people. This is pathetic. We've crossed the line dividing slight exaggeration from blatant lie. How? Why? Here's my hypothesis: We've lost all integrity. We actually used to have a decent amount of it, but then found out we could get a bargain of eight Shamwows if we sold it. Now, if the Devil goes down to Georgia, he doesn't have to steal a soul--he can just find them at Wal-Mart. (And at rollback pricing!)

Save Yourselves!

No one needs to be told that times are tough right now. But people do need to be told about imminent threats to the existence of humanity. Now, I know which threats you're probably most worried about: global warming, the Mayan apocalypse, a third Transformers movie. You, however, are wrong.

I'll admit, I wasn't even aware that there was a problem until someone told me. Earlier this week a man came to my door and handed me this flyer:

Apparently, the answer is in Reading, PA.

True story. I'll admit, at first, I wasn't really worried. The people in the picture didn't look very concerned about the chaotic destruction spreading across their gated communities. When I took a closer look, however, I noticed one little detail that told me there was trouble. On the bottom half of the flyer, it mentions that "Admission is free." There's only one reason that people would not charge admission to a session on how to survive the apocalypse: because it's actually coming--and they don't want to be stuck alone with their annoying neighbors!

So, I started to do some research. I typed "apocalypse threats" into google to see what was going on. The very first hit brought me to this website, detailing the four possible catastrophic events that could happen on earth. Unfortunately, there were two obvious problems. These were only catastrophic events, not apocalyptic ones--that's like ordering a triple bacon cheeseburger and only getting a single patty, with pickles. And no cheese! Not the same thing. Not even close. The second problem was that these were events that had happened in the past. We already know about that--it's entirely unhelpful!

Strangely, 80s fashion was not one of the four.

The second hit, though, was about the zombie apocalypse. That sounded more like it! At that point, I decided to change websites, and do some searching on youtube. I typed 'zombie' into the searchbar, and pressed enter, anxiously awaiting the results. And there, on the very first page, was what I had feared most.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the number-one threat to all of humanity: Zombie Snails.

Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach, or are easily frightened, you are advised to look away now. Seriously. Don't look.



Holy shit! They're real! And absolutely terrifying! If the zombification of a snail wasn't inherently fear-inducing, check out the maggot-antennae wriggling on top of its head like a multi-colored jester hat of terror! But, as horrific as the thing looks, the image isn't nearly as disturbing as the actions of the snail--or, should I say, the actions of the mind-controlling parasites! How is it even possible for creatures that tiny to be able to make other, much larger creatures, do their bidding? I don't know. And, defying both logic and any remaining hope for the belief that good exists on our planet, the immediacy of this threat gets worse. This video shows brainwashed ants unknowingly sacrifice themselves to cows after eating the slime of--wait for it--snails!

My initial frenzied panick was briefly offset when I remembered that an internet quiz had once told me I had a 98% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse. I began to gently replace the stuffing I had chewed out of my pillow when I was hit by a devastating realization. That quiz was for human zombies. These are...snail zombies! The normal methods, weapons, and tactics will be completely useless! Oh the maleficence! What could be worse? Zombie kittens?

The next step in zombie evolution?

No one knows where or when zombie snails will strike first. The truth is that the world is tragically unprepared for their attack. Stock up now on essential items: water, food--especially salt, and fully-automatic assault rifles. (I've heard Eastcoast Firearms is having a sale on AK-47s.) I cannot tell you how things will end. I can only hope that our (surviving) children will live in a world where they will never know the pants-crapping horror of zombie snails.

Dedicated to Your Self-Improvement Part II

Earlier this week I gave you two of the four pop-culture related ways to stay ahead of the game and avoid burying yourself under crippling amounts of shame and guilt. This week, I’m giving you two more methods, which focus more around detecting bad situations to avoid them, and exiting before something really bad happens. These methods are more formulaic, so I’ll be providing the steps of each one, rather than sample situations. And without further ado, here are methods three and four:

3) Double-Oh-No: How James Bond Would Handle an Emergency – Most of you are probably at least vaguely familiar with the James Bond movie franchise--if not, you probably should stop checking this blog, as you’ll miss somewhere between 10 -90% of the references I throw in. Somehow, 007 finds himself in worse situations than most people can imagine. (When was the last time you were strapped down to a table, with a laser beam slowly working its way toward your crotch? Yeah, that’s what I thought.) But, invariably, he manages to work his way out of them, and end the night with a leggy sex kitten. (Note: I can only help you with the first of those results, the second is up to you.)

Bond's worst nemesis ever? The producers of Die Another Day.

The formula: Immediately upon detecting danger (if you’ve said “oh no” twice within one hour, you’re in danger), make a witty comment. Then, run around just about anywhere as the danger repeatedly misses you by a narrow margin. Continue this until satisfied. Then follow one of two options: either use your watch gadgets to make an impressive escape, or pull out your Walther PPK and enjoy perfect accuracy as danger continues to miss you. After the escape, decide whether another witty remark would be appropriate or excessive. (Generally, you should err on the side of excess.) Good job!

4) I’ve Made a Huge Mistake Factor (IMHM Factor) – People make mistakes. Some people make a lot of mistakes, and others even make a career out of it. But many of them can be avoided. The IMHM Factor can help you steer clear of the biggest mistakes, like the ones made by Gob Bluth, of the criminally short-lived TV series Arrested Development. He was a man willing to openly admit his mistakes. To himself. With this formula, hopefully you won't have to!

Don’t let this be you.

The formula: Before engaging in a potentially risky behavior, calculate the IMHM factor. First, add up or estimate the number of times you’ve uttered the phrase “I’ve made a huge mistake” in the past year. (Exclude obvious dates like St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, and any celebrations after winning a major sports title.) Then, add up the Danger Points. (Examples of factors that add Danger Points: speeds over 80 M.P.H, angry-looking men over 6’3” or 300 lbs, explosives, pythons, etc.) Now, multiply the total danger points by the number of times that similar situations resulted in the IMHM phrase; then just divide that by the calculated or estimated total utterances. This gives you the percentage likelihood of saying “I’ve made a huge mistake” in the near future.

Also a mistake—wearing spaghetti straps with his shoulders.

(Okay, I’ve decided to be extra-nice and give you an example for this one. Let’s say a large biker comes up to you as you’re leaving your house, and says he needs to transport a package to a nearby city within a half an hour. You agree ask what’s in the package. He says pythons and dynamite. So, you have 4 danger points, multiplied by the sixty-ish times that large men, pythons, and dynamite have already made you say IMHM. Assuming the base rate of 50 IMHMs in the past year, that gives you a…oh. Well, almost a 5000% likelihood. Yeah, definitely don’t do that.)

There you have it, readers: four fun ways to stave off embarrassment in your daily lives. Remember that any one method might not be right for everybody. Maybe you can’t pull off Jim’s facial expressions, or perhaps you’re just really bad at math. Feel free to mix and match as they suit you. Good luck everybody!

Dedicated to Your Self-Improvment Part I

Edit: Now with pictures!

Here at Poposophical, I’m dedicated to helping you readers keep your lives on track at all times. Now, I know that there are all kinds of companies, products, and personalities that promise you that very same thing. But they’re either being indicted for perjury, sued for false advertising, or are short, annoying men who yell at you incessantly. And, really, who wants that? Various nonprofit organizations also claim to have the goal of helping you overcome obstacles. But maybe twelve steps is just too many for you to remember.

No need to worry—you have me. I realize that most of you might be skeptical about finding useful information on the internet. But don’t let a few idiots on yahoo answers keep you from self-improvement. I’ve come up with four simple, easy-to-remember ways to help you avoid destroying your life beyond all hope. And the best part: they all relate to a popular movie or TV series! I’ll give you the first two today, and the rest soon. You’re probably anxious, so I’ll just jump right into them:

1) WWJD: What would Jim Do? – Jim Halpert is a moral exemplar if I ever saw one. He always knows the right thing to do, whether it’s lending a shoulder to sleep on, pranking a co-worker, or repeatedly flirting with the engaged receptionist. Okay, maybe that last one’s iffy. But still! Jim’s actions can help us all: any time you find yourself in a strange or awkward situation, just ask yourself, “What would Jim do?” Then simply do that thing.

The first thing Jim would do.

Sample situation: Perhaps you’re at the library checking out a book when you noticed that you’re the one being checked out—by the receptionist! Now what do you do? Easy: just remember to ask yourself “What would Jim do?” First, turn to a non-existent camera and raise your eyebrows to acknowledge the situation. Then, lean forward on the desk. Make humorous small talk about the book you’re getting (“Someone already checked out Pride and Prejudice, so I decided to get the sequel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”) Congratulations! You’re on your way to a new ambiguous relationship!

2) BSPA: Barney Stinson Plan of Action – Maybe you have difficulty improvising during problematic situations. This is the method for you. Barney Stinson—suit connoisseur and master analyst of social interactions—has a plan for every occasion. He never enters any situation without knowing exactly what he wants (usually a woman) and how to get it (often involving an elaborate lie). You can do the same! Before doing anything—going to a party, driving to work, showering in the morning, etc.—just write down your goal and draw up a list of possible outcomes and corresponding plans of actions.

Barney Stinson: the man of action.

Sample situation: Let’s say you’re about to go on a first date with that receptionist. Make sure you have Barney’s three essentials: well-tailored suit, prophylactic, and lemon-law card. (For more information about the lemon-law of dating, see The Bro Code, by Barney Stinson.) Don’t forget to review the hot-crazy scale (Ibid.) before leaving, and have a variety of excuses ready if you miss the five-minute frame for the lemon law. Bring a camera for scrapbooking in case things go well, and you’ll be set! Go out ready to enjoy your date!

Top 5 Carlin Routines

Periodically, Poposophical will feature Top 5 lists. A brief disclaimer before the first: These lists will be a compilation of my own, personal, nobody-else-implied, favorite things from a given category. They in no way represent—or even attempt to do so—an obvjective “Best of” for anything. Why? Because there is no such thing. There is no way to come up with a definitive list (no matter how large or small) of the best movies, albums, TV shows, etc. People will assign their own values to those categories, so what one guy thinks is good will undoubtedly be seen as base and repulsive by his mother-in-law. (This has been scientifically proven.) And because of that no one can truthfully say that “These three Jesus-in-toast images are the best there are,” or any similar such statement. If you disagree, I welcome you to go elsewhere and have a bunch of pretentious “experts” explain what you should think is good. That said, let’s move on.

George Carlin is the subject for the very first Top 5 here because I feel he greatly represents much of what this blog stands for. Aside from being equitably offensive and absolutely hilarious, George Carlin was a great thinker who took everyday occurrences and asked, “Why the hell are things like this?” These videos will, I hope, do justice to his brilliant mind. Here’s my Top 5 George Carlin Stand-up Routines:

#5 – Little Things We Share (1992)



The brilliance: All of us have experienced every single one of these things. It’s Carlin’s presentation that really sells it, but you can tell that the audience knows exactly what he’s talking about—they laugh at the set-ups! We all laugh because we’ve had these same experiences, but never talk about them. Until now.

Best part: The mystery of the moving pillow. I, personally, have been investigating this mystery since about the age of four. What makes this one so good is that everyone thinks it’s too stupid to talk about—we realize why it happens by the time we’re ten—but we’re still fascinated by it. “Holy shit, Dave!”

# 4 – Airline Announcements (1992)



The brilliance: This segment, from the same special, focuses a lot on language—particularly, how people abuse it. This is all ridiculous, and Carlin shows us exactly why by replacing the excessive phrases (“In the unlikely event of a drop in cabin pressure…”) with the blunt truth (“Roof flies off!”).

Best part: The seat belt section of the safety lecture, for obvious reasons. The patent for seat belts was given in 1885. I think a hundred and twenty-plus years is a long enough time for us to have figured them out.

#3 – Stuff (1986)



The brilliance: In five minutes, George Carlin produces the funniest social commentary ever. He’s talking about consumerism—defining ourselves by what we have—but he’s calling it “stuff”. Simple. Direct. And, honestly, “stuff” is just a funny word. Especially when it’s repeated.

Best part: Shit versus stuff. No one has ever said, “Let me move my shit.” Why? Because it’s always your shit, not mine!

#2 – A Modern Man (2005)



The brilliance: I challenge you to memorize this routine. Now perform it without slipping up. Done that? Okay, now do it at the age of 68, which is how old Carlin was when this special was aired on HBO. And the most impressive part might not be his performance, but the ability to collect all these terms and organize them so beautifully.

Best part: The whole thing. Seriously.

#1 – Seven Words (1978)





The brilliance: Okay, you knew this was coming. This routine’s been talked about so much, there really isn’t much left to say about it. It’s insightful. It’s playful. It’s classic, funny, dirty, and still mostly true. Although I am amused by thinking about a time when farts weren’t even referred to on television.

Best part: The twisted meaning of “cocksucker”. How did they do that?