Dedicated to Your Self-Improvement Part II

Earlier this week I gave you two of the four pop-culture related ways to stay ahead of the game and avoid burying yourself under crippling amounts of shame and guilt. This week, I’m giving you two more methods, which focus more around detecting bad situations to avoid them, and exiting before something really bad happens. These methods are more formulaic, so I’ll be providing the steps of each one, rather than sample situations. And without further ado, here are methods three and four:

3) Double-Oh-No: How James Bond Would Handle an Emergency – Most of you are probably at least vaguely familiar with the James Bond movie franchise--if not, you probably should stop checking this blog, as you’ll miss somewhere between 10 -90% of the references I throw in. Somehow, 007 finds himself in worse situations than most people can imagine. (When was the last time you were strapped down to a table, with a laser beam slowly working its way toward your crotch? Yeah, that’s what I thought.) But, invariably, he manages to work his way out of them, and end the night with a leggy sex kitten. (Note: I can only help you with the first of those results, the second is up to you.)

Bond's worst nemesis ever? The producers of Die Another Day.

The formula: Immediately upon detecting danger (if you’ve said “oh no” twice within one hour, you’re in danger), make a witty comment. Then, run around just about anywhere as the danger repeatedly misses you by a narrow margin. Continue this until satisfied. Then follow one of two options: either use your watch gadgets to make an impressive escape, or pull out your Walther PPK and enjoy perfect accuracy as danger continues to miss you. After the escape, decide whether another witty remark would be appropriate or excessive. (Generally, you should err on the side of excess.) Good job!

4) I’ve Made a Huge Mistake Factor (IMHM Factor) – People make mistakes. Some people make a lot of mistakes, and others even make a career out of it. But many of them can be avoided. The IMHM Factor can help you steer clear of the biggest mistakes, like the ones made by Gob Bluth, of the criminally short-lived TV series Arrested Development. He was a man willing to openly admit his mistakes. To himself. With this formula, hopefully you won't have to!

Don’t let this be you.

The formula: Before engaging in a potentially risky behavior, calculate the IMHM factor. First, add up or estimate the number of times you’ve uttered the phrase “I’ve made a huge mistake” in the past year. (Exclude obvious dates like St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, and any celebrations after winning a major sports title.) Then, add up the Danger Points. (Examples of factors that add Danger Points: speeds over 80 M.P.H, angry-looking men over 6’3” or 300 lbs, explosives, pythons, etc.) Now, multiply the total danger points by the number of times that similar situations resulted in the IMHM phrase; then just divide that by the calculated or estimated total utterances. This gives you the percentage likelihood of saying “I’ve made a huge mistake” in the near future.

Also a mistake—wearing spaghetti straps with his shoulders.

(Okay, I’ve decided to be extra-nice and give you an example for this one. Let’s say a large biker comes up to you as you’re leaving your house, and says he needs to transport a package to a nearby city within a half an hour. You agree ask what’s in the package. He says pythons and dynamite. So, you have 4 danger points, multiplied by the sixty-ish times that large men, pythons, and dynamite have already made you say IMHM. Assuming the base rate of 50 IMHMs in the past year, that gives you a…oh. Well, almost a 5000% likelihood. Yeah, definitely don’t do that.)

There you have it, readers: four fun ways to stave off embarrassment in your daily lives. Remember that any one method might not be right for everybody. Maybe you can’t pull off Jim’s facial expressions, or perhaps you’re just really bad at math. Feel free to mix and match as they suit you. Good luck everybody!