Background: I'm sitting in my apartment one day, watching the escapades of Horatio and Loretta, when my phone rings. I answer it. "Hello," a voice tells me. "This is the President of the United States." I can't believe it! Steven T. Colbert is calling me from the Oval office! He briefly explains the situation. "The world is in trouble, and we need you to help save it. There's no time to explain, now--bad guys are already on their way to kill you! I'm deploying a team of five bodyguards for your extraction. Who should I send?"
Can I choose anyone? "Anyone," he assures me. "Just say the name and they'll be on their way." I take a moment to think. There are a lot of badasses, but who would I want walking around with me, protecting me from harm? I analyze my options, watch Horatio's confession, and then turn back to the phone. "Okay, Mr. President. Here's who I want."
Top 5 - Personal Bodyguards
#5 - Leeloo (The Fifth Element)
This seems like a pretty obvious choice, doesn't it? Leeloo is, literally, the perfect being. She's also got awesomely orange hair. And she speaks the Divine Language, which apparently includes the words "bada-boom!" Leeloo could protect me from a variety of bad guys, including both humans and aliens. Her bright hair could be used as a distraction to allow me to escape dangerous situations. Better yet, she has a multi-pass! I'd definitely feel safe having her around.
#4 - Léon (Léon: The Professional)
Okay, so this is a Luc Besson-friendly list. But come on, Léon is one of the best assassins out there and would be great for this position. He's proficient with all types of weaponry, has clever moments, can take people out before they even know he's there, and is a generally likable guy. I wouldn't even mind if he brought Mathilda along--she's badass enough to get the job done. What I admire most, though, is Léon's capacity to put other people first. If I'm picking bodyguards, I don't want someone who's going to run out on me just because he's scared for his own life. And, who knows, maybe he would let me use the paintball sniper rifle!
#3 - Mireille Bouquet (Noir)
First of all, 1,000,000 bonus points to you if you know who Ms. Bouquet is. For those of you who don't: Mireille is a top-tier assassin, working under the codename Noir. People tend to underestimate her because she's an attractive young woman with blonde hair and a sweet smile. Those people die. Mireille is highly intelligent, able to put together plans for jobs that other assassins deemed impossible. She also knows how to get out of a tight situation, which is the main reason for her inclusion on this list. When working with her occasional partner Kirika Yumura, she's essentially unstoppable. Under Mireille's protection, there isn't much for me to be afraid of.
#2 - Caroline/Echo (Dollhouse)
I'm assuming that Topher could imprint Echo with some sort of super-bodyguard personality that makes her highly capable of taking out anyone who doesn't have my best interest in mind. But even if that weren't possible, I'd still be plenty happy with her personality in episode 9, as someone who excels at finding and catching spies. Hell, I'd even be happy with just Caroline, before she becomes programmable--based on the few moments of pre-Echo Caroline that the show's given us, she seems to have plenty of intelligence, audacity, and good-looks. But a super-bodyguard imprint wouldn't be bad either.
#1 - Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 2 + 4)
Leon (which is apparently the name your parents give you when you're destined to be a badass) makes the top of this list just for his history. First, there's the whole surviving-a-city-full-of-zombies event. And later, when the President's daughter (not President Colbert's daughter, though) was kidnapped, Leon tracked her down across Europe, eventually fighting his way through a village, castle, and armored island, all full of monsters. Really, really big monsters.
Leeloo, Léon, Mireille, and Echo would all do an amazing job at protecting me from regular henchmen, and even above-average assassins. But I'm not sure any of them have the sheer protective ability shown by Mr. Kennedy. He shielded Ashley from irate villagers, chainsaw-wielding maniacs, and whatever that thing is in the picture above. He's highly proficient in weapon handling, martial arts, and exuding coolness. Best of all: he carries a rocket launcher. Game over, bad guys.
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