Week of Top 5 - Day 4: Mentors

After Secretary O'Brien describes the members of MMM to me, President Colbert finally has time to explain the situation. "MMM are planning to take over the world with their villainous schemes, and we must stop them. This is America! It's written in the Constitution that the good guys have to win. That's where you come in." I ask what I could possibly do to save us from MMM. "Because of your deep knowledge of pop culture characters, you were deemed the best candidate for the job. For now, here's what you can do. We're looking for people to train and mentor our operatives. Who would you suggest we use?"

I ponder for a moment before formulating a strategy. Ultimately, I decide that the best course of action would be to choose people who could match the skills of MMM's members. That way, we would be better able to understand their tactics and counter their measures. I know, right? It is smart.

Top 5 - Miraculous Mentors

#5 - V (V for Vendetta)


I stated before that Norman Stansfield is batshit insane, which makes V a perfect Mentor match to counter his tactics. Some might think that an extremely collected, sane person would be the better choice because that person could construct logical defenses against Stansfield's methods. I, however, submit that the best way to fight crazy is with more crazy, citing The Silence of the Lambs as evidence. And V has plenty of crazy to go around.

The man speaks in alliterations and riddles. He quotes Macbeth while carving up fingermen. He steals butter from Supreme Chancellor Suttler. And he fights against the suit of armor in his own house. Actually, to me, that last item just makes him really cool--not crazy. While Stansfield's crazy is more erratic and drug-induced, V's is more of a derangement, caused by years of experimentation and mental anguish. He could teach us how to cage up our aggravation, eventually unleashing it upon our enemies in a frenzied attack. While quoting Shakespeare.

#4 - Morpheus (The Matrix)


Morpheus offers one particular advantage whose usefulness is not even approached by anyone else on this list. He can teach you anything. You want to learn Jiu-Jitsu? He'll teach you Jiu-Jitsu. You want to learn how to fly a helicopter? He'll teach you that too. You want to learn how to make little animals out of towels? Well...okay. But I'm not sure how that's really useful.

The day is saved?

Personally, I'd recommend him for training troops in hand-to-hand combat, where we can learn to do backflips, punch through walls, and do that little taunting wave that Morpheus likes so much. We're going to need it if we're fighting Ivan Drago. Morpheus is also a good teacher by nature, able to miraculously make Keanu Reeves convincing as a hero. Sure, he may try to push pills on us, but at this point, I think that's a minor consideration.

#3 - Dr. Horrible


I can sense your shock and surprise through the interwebs, but hey--no one said this list had to be made up of good guys. Dr. Horrible Ph.D may technically be a villain, but he's also extremely smart. He can teach us how to use all kinds of nifty items like a remote-control car, a ray gun that freezes someone in time, and another kind of gun that kills people! Well...okay, maybe that last one is a bit unnecessary.

Still, resourcefulness in the field is of the utmost importance. Just ask MacGyver. Scaramanga is certainly technologically clever in his own right, making a gun out of pieces of various items laying around his desk; we're going to have to be just as clever to stop him. Dr. Horrible is also included for morale reasons. Sometimes, when fighting against the forces of evil, things can get downright depressing. Your best efforts may fail, friends die in front of you, and the food is really sub-par. Dr. Horrible can teach us to channel those emotions through song (e.g. "I Really Wish We Had a Shower on the Front Lines").

#2 - Obi-Wan Kenobi


All things considered, there's really only one hope for having even the tiniest chance to defeat a Jedi. And that's another Jedi. Without at least partial competency with lightsabers and the Force, you're essentially doomed. I chose Obi-Wan over the favorite, Yoda, mostly as a time consideration. The world is about to end--we don't have time to chase a little green dude through a swamp after he steals our flashlights!

One thing does concern me about Obi-Wan: his lightsaber skills are a bit inconsistent. Sure, he killed Darth Maul at a young age, but then he seemed to lose every lightsaber battle for the next couple decades, until he faced off against General Grievous, at which point he apparently remembered that he used to be good at the whole fighting-bad-guys thing. Offsetting this, though, is the fact that he was also the mentor of the young (angsty) Darth Vader--so Obi-Wan should be able to tell us a lot of inside info to give us some kind of advantage. ("Vader's weakness is frogs!")

#1 - Sherlock Holmes


Riddler is an evil genius. Holmes is a non-evil genius. It's a match made in heaven. Perhaps the most observant person to ever have lived, Holmes could help train our troops to notice every minute detail that crosses our path, at which point we would be able to track down the members of MMM, and hopefully catch them in a vulnerable position (like when they're baking).


If that isn't enough for you (and it should be), how about the fact that Holmes is a master fencer and bareknuckle boxer. Yeah, that's right, smart people can kick ass. In fact, if all policemen were trained to even one-tenth of his abilities, crime would be virtually nonexistent. Sure, he may have a bit of a coke habit, but its' really only when he's bored. Holmes could aid the good guys in: our deduction skills, boxing and fencing abilities, disguises, identifying dirt and tobacco, not being oblivious, and having enemies with awesome names. Oh, and unbending steel rods. Badass.