Week of Top 5 - Day 2: Zombie Slayers

Upon arriving at the White House, my bodyguards take me directly to President Colbert. I thank him for ensuring I had a safe trip. "Don't mention it," he tells me. "Seriously. Time is short. Now, I brought you here because--". But before he can finish, Secretary of Defense Conan O'Brien busts into the office in a panic. "Mr. President, the entire country has just been invaded by the worst thing imaginable!" I watch President Colbert turn pale before shouting, "Bears! Oh no!" "Not bears," says Secretary O'Brien. "Zombies!"

"Well that's a relief," the President sighs. "But we still need to stop the zombies! Otherwise they'll never stop stumbling around, eating people, and crowding up supermarkets!" I feel the eyes of the room shift to me. President Colbert's expression is grave. "Those zombies need to die," he says. "Who should I send in?"

Top 5 - Zombie Slayers

#5 - Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers


The Rangers are my first answer without a moment's hesitation. A couple of factors contribute to their inclusion. For starters, they're a team. That automatically increases their zombie-killing potential. Also, they have Zords. Dino-Zords, to be specific, which means they're also gigantic. If traditional methods of zombie disposal prove ineffective, the Rangers can just jump in the Zords and trample them to (re)death. The last reason is explicitly stated in the theme song: "No one...can ever take them down! (The power lies on their si-yi-yi-yi-yi-yide!)"

#4 - Ellen Ripley


Some people consider zombies the ultimate enemy, since you can't technically kill what's already dead. Those people misunderstand the meaning of undead. I would call them unintelligent (and they'd probably take it as a compliment). The true ultimate enemy is actually the Xenomorph from the Alien series. Anything with corrosive acid for blood can't be very easily to kill. Unless you're Ellen Ripley. So, compared to the Xenomorphs, zombies must be incredibly easy targets. And Ripley will tear through them with all kinds of futuristic weaponry, clearing the path for human survivors. And cats.

#3 - Master Chief


One simple way to get onto this list is just to have a history of killing absurd amounts of living creatures. Chief has done just that, shooting his way through what analysts have estimated to be around five gazillion enemies during his lifetime. Let's face it, this Spartan essentially saved the entire Earth and all of it's space colonies single-handedly. (Okay, maybe Sergeant Johnson and the Arbiter helped a little bit, but Chief did all the heavy lifting.) And the parasitic Flood had the capability of reanimating corpses, turning fallen comrades into what were basically zombies, so I consider Master Chief to have actual zombie-killing experience. Which is always a plus. Besides, just look at how epic that image is!

#2 - John Matrix


Speaking of absurd amounts of killing.... More people are killed by John Matrix's bullets in ten minutes than were killed in many minor wars. Actually, Matrix's rampage is, itself, a minor war, complete with ammo belts, grenades, and rocket launchers (see above). (Sidenote: Notice that Matrix's picture had to be at least twice the size of everyone else's to accommodate the extra manliness.) He is, quite simply, a killing machine. Perhaps literally--he doesn't emote very well. And if he can tear through that many (semi-)intelligent humans, he should make short work of bumbling zombies. He can also use his artistic camouflage techniques to hide from the zombies, boost his ego, and add definition to his muscles. Perhaps his best attribute, though, is the fact that he eats big, hearty breakfasts--often consisting of Green Berets.

#1 - Jill Valentine


John Matrix and Master Chief might have the military history and kill count I'm looking for in potential zombie killers, but no one--no one--has the zombie slaying record of Jill Valentine. My personal bodyguard Leon Kennedy comes close, but he's busy making sure I stay alive. And there's one thing that gives Jill an edge over all her Resident Evil counterparts. (No, it's not a second X-chromosome.) Jill has the distinction of surviving after being chased through a city by Nemesis--who is basically a combination of the Boogey Man, a zombie, and your worst nightmare.

Pictured: Not Nemesis. But still terrifying.

To me, this makes her the most qualified zombie slayer imaginable. She can kill them in a house; she can kill them in the street. She can kill them day or night; just shoot, reload, repeat. Jill is to killing zombies what Sam-I-Am is to eating--she'll do it any time, anywhere. Give her a knife, a Beretta, and a 12-gauge, and the zombies will be the ones fleeing in terror. Well...shuffling, anyway.