"Call a Bookstore if You're Hungry"

I've always felt strongly about truth in advertising. There's something fundamentally problematic about feeding consumers false information to trick them into buying something they absolutely do not need. There are plenty of alternative tactics that rely more on the consumer's stupidity, and less on blatant lies. If you decide to waste $20 on a tiddy bear because--holy shit--you'll get a second one for free, then you deserve every second of the crushing realization that you don't even need one of the damn things. However, if I buy a knife set because you tell me it will cut clean through a U.S. Military tank, only to discover that it can't even make it through a fucking tomato, we've got problems. Big problems.

Sure, some amount of exaggeration is to be expected from commercials. This website is a perfect example: if fast food chains took pictures of the actual food they served, we might not have a nationwide obesity problem. But I don't hold this against the fast food chains--the food is made of the same stuff (i.e. not food), the only difference is the appearance. And, I don't know about you, but I don't order McSkillet Burritos for the way they look. (Okay, I don't order them at all--but you get the point.)

The breaking point for me is when companies state that their product can do something, which, in truth, is less likely than Nicolas Cage being a successful action hero. The worst offender has to be Axe deodorant--really, any of the body sprays, but I think Axe is the worst. Don't believe me? Check out this commercial, which basically says Axe=sex. Actually, pretty much any Axe commercial is like that.



The most egregious part of the whole thing is that I have never seen an Axe-soaked guy get closer than teen feet from a girl before she starts complaining about a headache. That's the opposite of sex. So, not only does the product fail to live up to expectations, it also has undescribed negative consequences.

And let's take a second to acknowledge certain television stations. When I was little, I used to blow entire summers watching Cartoon Network. Why? Because I knew that no matter what came on, it would be a cartoon. That's why it's the fucking Cartoon Network! Is this true now? Apparently not. I did some reasearch, and within a 24-hour period, the CN (as they apparently prefer to be called, now) has 5 hours of programming that is--wait for it--not cartoons!

That's over 20%! But, that does still leave 19 hours of cartoons a day, which is respectable. What is not respectable is the non-cartoon shows that are airing. Here's a verbatim description of one of them: "Teams of athletes and drama club members build dump trucks to haul large piles of dirt across a field." Not only does that sound worse than cartoons, it sounds worse than just about anything else on TV. Why the hell would I want to watch kids--or anyone!--haul dirt across a field? No, instead I'll spend the 30 minutes writing an angry letter to the network, asking why they ruined one of the greatest pieces of my childhood.

Bullshit, Cartoon Network--this is not Tom and Jerry!

Cartoon Network has nothing on this next sation, though: MTV. Music Television. You might take that name to mean music playing on a television. If you do, you probably also have a box full of tiddy bears. (Shame on you.) Not that MTV was ever respectable, but check out this fact: in the same 24-hour period, MTV has 17 hours of programming that are in absolutely no way related to music. And, 6 of the 7 hours of programming (sort of) related to music aired from 3-9 AM. Not peak viewing hours. Even then, all 7 hours was the same show, which was half news, half music.

The Weather Channel: For all your cooking needs.

Come on, people. This is pathetic. We've crossed the line dividing slight exaggeration from blatant lie. How? Why? Here's my hypothesis: We've lost all integrity. We actually used to have a decent amount of it, but then found out we could get a bargain of eight Shamwows if we sold it. Now, if the Devil goes down to Georgia, he doesn't have to steal a soul--he can just find them at Wal-Mart. (And at rollback pricing!)