Socrates said, "Wisdom begins in wonder."
Bill S. Preston, Esq. said, "Ghengis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush."
Poposophical sits somewhere between the two: "Wisdom begins in Twinkies."
Thanksgiving is the holiday where US citizens celebrate friendship, obesity, football, and centuries-old oppression of Native Americans (see Manifest Destiny). Or something like that. Anyway, the important part of Thanksgiving is the "thanks". Well...and the "giving". I guess Thankstaking would be a completely different holiday. Aaanyway: the purpose of the holiday is for you to rack your brains thinking of something that you're thankful for. Most people go with the basics--food, family, Marisa Miller.
Some people celebrate Thanksgiving every day.
Wow, this post is one digression away from becoming a Family Guy episode. So let's--no. You know what? Let's just embrace it.
That feels better. Now (finally), what follows are a list of pop-culture-related-type-things that I'm thankful for, tailored for your enjoyment. So, y'know...enjoy.
Succeed Blog
With the popularity of Fail Blog and FML, there's a lot of negativity on the internet. Especially when you count the absurd flame wars raging in the comments section of basically any webpage. That's why I'm thankful for Succeed Blog--it provides a much-needed dose of optimism in this bleak, dreary, pessimistic world. Also, it's awesome. Highlights include: Obstacle Course Succeed, Train Dodge Succeed, Theme Song Succeed, and basically every single thing on there. But especially Monkey-on-a-Goat-on-a-Cup-on-a-Tightrope Succeed.
Jenny Lewis
Not only is she the lead singer of Rilo Kiley, who are entirely awesome in their own right, and an accomplished solo singer, Jenny Lewis has a history of being insanely awesome. It started when her first acting gig was in a Jell-O commercial. Then, deciding that was somehow minimally awesome, she starred in a 1989 movie with Fred Savage about the Nintendo World Championships that featured the short-lived Nintendo accessory the Power Glove. Only by an act of Satan is this not the highest-grossing movie of all time. But, really, all the reasons I'm thankful for Jenny Lewis can be summed up in this picture:
Marriage material.
The 80s
What? The movie with Jenny Lewis wasn't enough to convince you? For shame. How about the evolution of headbanging, with people like Ozzy Osbourne, Scorpions, Metallica, and Iron Maiden? No? How about Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux, and the Jamaican bobsled team of the '88 Olympics? Still no? What about Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Batman, and Ghostbusters movies? Even that won't convince you!? Well, Stingy McNo-fun, I dare you to resist the awesomeness of Dancin' Kim!
Actors Whose Names are Reducible to Three Letters
Proof:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (JGL)
Robert Downey Jr. (RDJ)
Neil Patrick Harris (NPH)
Actresses Whose Names are Olivia Wilde
Proof, which isn't needed but is being given anyway: She took her stage name from Oscar Wilde, one of the funniest people to have ever existed. She was in The Black Donnellys, which you probably haven't seen and is one of the biggest voids in your otherwise-enjoyable life. And she's married to an Italian prince. I'm not actually thankful for that last part, but you know you've hit other-worldly levels of awesome when you marry European royalty.
Recently, I came across this article on Ask Men detailing the Top 10 Ways to Attract Sexy Women. Not that I really consider Ask Men a trustworthy source of anything, but this seemed like a useful enough skill to be worth investigation. So I read the article. Oddly enough, about 50% of it was decent advice (in theory), with horrible explanations. The other 50% was just hilariously awful. But what struck me most was not the collection of absurd pictures, or even the way that the link for their "facts" is apparently some kind of phishing scam. No, what really impressed me was the way this article was clearly written by a man in the midst of some serious, crisis-level denial, and whose bitterness about his entire history comes out through insults that deflect his self-hatred onto the reader. Both of which happen to be ingredients for a wonderful self-help article.
Since I know you love seeing the shattered remnants of a once hopeful human being, I'm going to save you the trouble of clicking through the slide show, and translate all 10 items right here. That way you can either A) attempt to use the advice to hilarious consequences, or B) laugh at the stupidity of everyone who attempts item A. You can thank me later.
Much better advice than anything that follows.
Top 10 [Translated] Ways to Attract Sexy Women
10 - Flirt With All Women
Ask Men says: "When you tease and bust on a woman whom you're not interested in, and continue to keep the sexual tension up, other women will pick up on your confident vibe and wonder why you’re not flirting with them. Nice."
Translation: If you flirt with enough women, maybe one of them will take pity on you and actually agree to a date. Good job, loser.
9 - Tease Her
Ask Men says: "Even though an outsider might look at an evening that you spend with her and say: 'He didn't treat her very well; he was difficult, very challenging and not complimentary at all,' at the end of the evening the woman you're with will go home with a deep, profound feeling of inner satisfaction that she won't be able to describe. So take the time to learn."
Translation: If you believe people actually say things like "he was...very challenging and not complimentary at all", you'll believe this too: Remember how all the hot girls in college only ever dated total douchebags? Hot girls are attracted to that--it's like sex to them. Be a douchebag.
8 - Be Exciting to Sexy Women Online
Ask Men says: "Instead of writing the typical 'You sound very interesting, we have a lot in common…' try something like 'Hey, I don't think that this picture is really you. What, did you go to the mall and get one of those glamour shots done or something? Do you have a real picture? Like you at home on your Stairmaster or something? Or do you even work out? OK, stop trying to fool all of us guys and let's see what you really look like.' "
Translation: Be a douchebag online too! Imply that she needs to use a Stairmaster and is inherently dishonest. Women love that.
7 - Lead Her
Ask Men says: "There's always a smooth, interesting way to take the ball and move forward with it. If you don't, you'll spend many of your evenings snuggling up to the TV."
Translation: There are two possible outcomes for your life. The first involves you with a woman. The second involves you, alone, miserable, huddled under your snuggie with a trough of ice cream and a tub of hand lotion, watching G.I. Ho through a pathetic stream of man-tears. And if you're coming here for advice, it's not going to be the first one.
6 - Pass the Sexy-Woman Test
Ask Men says: "When a woman throws down the challenge, or starts to test you, instead of responding by saying: 'OK, whatever you want,' you need to create even more tension, turn it up and understand how to amplify the sexual tension and attraction in the situation. If you don’t understand tests, you'll just misinterpret everything that happens and miss all your opportunities."
Translation:
5 - Be a Leader
Ask Men says: "Sexy women aren't attracted to Wussies. So how could you characterize a Wuss? A Wussy is a guy who is weak, indecisive and insecure. A Wussy isn't in control, and he doesn't make decisions."
Translation: You are a Wuss, and I, the author of this article, am apparently ten years old.
4 - Date Her Casually
Ask Men says: "[If] you want to just see a woman casually and not have her become 'hooked' on you, then don't call her more than a couple of times a week, and don't see her more than once a week -- maybe twice sometimes."
Translation: Don't ever expect to go on more than one date with a woman. More ambitious attempts will only result in failure. [Note that this item makes absolutely no mention of how this makes sexy women attracted to you. It merely attempts to define casual dating--presumably because the author has never been on more than one date with a woman.]
3 - Stop Chasing
Ask Men says: "I can remember when I used to call women too often, and if they didn't show up, I'd get upset and try to set up another date with them, etc. Of course, they'd usually play hard to get, and wind up thinking that I was a Wussy because I just accepted their flaky behavior. [...] When a woman flakes, don’t worry about it. Just move on."
Ask Men says: "If a woman says: 'I need time to get to know myself' or 'I need to find myself' or any variation of this common theme, it usually means you were acting like a Wuss, being clingy and generally not a challenge anymore. If you become too predictable, too involved, too needy, too Wuss-ish, and too 'head over heels' too early in the relationship, it will drive a woman away."
Translation: Remember, you're a Wuss. And if you try to get too close to a hot chick, you'll probably only end up with disappointment and/or restraining order.
1 - Be Willing to Hit the Road [I swear that's actually what it says.]
Ask Men says: "I get so many e-mails from guys who have met a great girl, but they screwed it up because they made her 'too important' mentally. In other words, when things started to get difficult, instead of taking the attitude of 'next,' which creates all kinds of attraction, they cling and do exactly the things that cause the woman to hit the road for good. It’s much better to have the mental attitude of 'I'm going to enjoy this woman's company for as long as it stays a good thing. The moment that she becomes a strain or a pain I'm out of here. I don't need problems or drama in my life.' "
Translation: If following this advice has, by some miracle of an other-worldly power, actually managed to land you a hot chick, don't get your hopes up. She's going to leave you at any moment. In fact, she's probably plotting it right now. Basically, you should just get used to getting dumped right now, because that's going to be the story of your life. Story. Of. Your. Life. (Wuss.)
Pictured: You, for the rest of your life. Or: the article's author.
Clearly the author actually is just balls-deep in denial. I point to the entirety of item #3 as evidence that he's probably never had a woman return a call in his life. ("Why aren't they returning my calls? It must be because they're playing hard-to-get. My sexist and misogynist demeanor has nothing to do with it.") Half the article is spent asserting that women need to be told what to do (#5-9), while the other half is reserved for preparing for their ultimate, and likely vicious, rejection (#1-4 and 10). I can't wait for Ask Men's next self-help guide: Top 10 Ways to Force Women to Love You: the Chemical Formulas.
It happened. Fox has done the unthinkable. (Well, more like the predictable-yet-unforgivable.) Today, November 11, 2009, Fox Broadcasting Company cancelled Dollhouse. The depth of the tragedy lies in both losing such a morally complex and riveting story, and Joss Whedon getting screwed over yet again. In short, I am inconsolable.
Truly: my rage cannot be contained. It's like those Great White Sharks in Deep Blue Sea, only, angrier, not computer-animated, and Samuel L Jackson won't be the victim (unless he turns out to be behind the decision). I see only two possible paths from this point. The first is to go on a V-for-Kill-Bill style search for vengeance, using every combination of knives, samurai katana, and household explosives imaginable to systematically track down and destroy anyone involved in the death of my beloved TV show, preferably while wearing a yellow track suit and a Guy Fawkes mask.
Remember, remember the yellow avenger.
But...no. I will not descend into those depths. I am not a killer--that title rests with Fox. So, (I would like to stress this for legal purposes,) no one will die because of this. Not even that kind of revenge would be sufficient to express my indignation. No, there's only way for me to do that:
Write a poem.
Yes! Only in the deep nuances of the poetic form can I ever hope to fully convey my outrage. Not even the bloodiest rampage can compete with an AABB rhyme scheme. (Check out KMDB for proof, twice). Thus, I present:
Fuck You Fox (A Sonnet)
Dollhouse was a show sexy, sleek, and smart, and yet you had doomed it from the start. The first small fact I'd like for you to note: viewers don't see what you don't promote. You kept the future from being bright by deciding to air it on Friday night. With a lead-in so bad, I can't bear it; name one person who watches Brad Garrett! And now you have wronged Joss Whedon twice, meanwhile pretending to play it nice. But Fox, your disguise fools us no more. Beneath your facade, you're just a whore. Ah, but what phoenix rises from this burn? Time for an evil Doctor to return.
Halloween is tomorrow. What? You didn't know that? And you have just 24 hours to put together the best pop-culture referencing costume $25 can buy? Don't worry. As always, Poposophical is here to help.
What follows are five suggestions for creative, non-traditional costumes that you're pretty much guaranteed not to find anyone else wearing.
Womanologist/womanizer and all-around scholar Barney Stinson cites Halloween as the one holiday where chicks have a free pass to slut it up. Are you a chick? Do you want to slut it up? Try going as the slutty pumpkin! While other girls will be going as slutty animals and slutty girls-who-need-attention, you're guaranteed* to be the only slutty orange food! Just take a non-slutty pumpkin costume, and carve it in strategic locations. You'll have guys chasing you all night. *Guarantee does not exist.
2) Rocky from Rocky VIII: Rocky versus the Stairs
Some people might think that Halloween largely excludes elderly folks from its activities. Some people are wrong. Besides the fact that grandparents all over the country get to stay home, spend no money on candy, leave their front-porch lights on, and then yell threateningly at the poor, confused little children who don't understand why they aren't being handed little packets of childhood obesity, senior citizens can also dress up. For this costume, just walk around in a pair of golden silk boxers (inducing early cases of the Halloween pukes), strap boxing gloves to your arthritic hands, and walk around mumbling incoherently about "Adrian..." and "the guy with the tiger" or whatever. If you don't get invited back to parties next year, you'll know it's because of your awesomely intimidating costume, and definitely not that menthol-cigarette smell.
3) Michael Bay
Walk around shouting "EXPLOSIONS*!" *Bonus points if you actually have explosions!
4) Katy Perry
Dress up in an over-sexualized version of 1920s clothing, and tell everyone at the party how you kissed a girl, and you liked it, describing the various sensations and reasons behind your "experiment". Tell people not just once, but preferably four or five times. But here's the most important part: do not actually kiss a girl*! That would ruin the illusion, and you would now be Lindsay Lohan, not Katy Perry. *If you do kiss a girl, make sure you check out College Humor the next day to see the pictures and/or videos.
5) Zombie Dumbledore
The original description, from ~Chris~ on Yahoo! Answers says it all:
"You should dress up as Zombie Dumbledore. Zombie Dumbledore looks like regular Dumbledore, only he has an ATV and a WW2 era helmet with some poker cards attached to it. Also, he's a zombie. It would help if you had one of those huge boa constrictors to wear across your shoulder like a living scarf, too...Zombie Dumbledore has one of those."
Have fun gallivanting around in your awesome costumes! And remember what your parents always told you: Don't accept candy from strangers/the Middle School algebra teacher!
A very important person once said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I'm not 100% positive, but I think it was Yoda. As you are undoubtedly aware, this blog is no stranger to the truly frightening, having covered the topic not just once, but twice. This particular post, however, takes a bit of a broader look than before.
This weekend, the film Paranormal Activity enjoyed the fruits of a wide release, taking in over 1000 times more money than it cost to make. This movie already has internet-savvy moms calling it the scariest movie they have ever seen, which is interesting for so many reasons. (And, no, they're not the only ones.) Just as interesting, though, is the fact that there are plenty of people who are declaring it the least scary movie they have ever seen. How is this possible? Which is the truth? And do ghosts really exist? Don't worry, I promise to answer one of those questions (maybe).
Fear is one of the most subjective experiences, challenged only by comedy for widest range of opinions. This shouldn't be surprising if you've ever watched horror movies on Sci-Fi channel--movies that unsuccessfully try to be scary just end up being funny. Even the most successful horror movies will still end up being unconventional comedies for some people, evidenced by how you can sit huddled in a trembling ball of fear while your buddy laughs at the same movie. (Also, he's laughing at you.)
Laughter is the best medicine. Cruel, cruel medicine.
So is there a scary? A universal scary that would make even the most sturdy of souls crap their pants (assuming that we have souls, and that those souls have pants)? If Plato were still around, he would argue that there was a Form of the Scary, which is the perfect ideal scariness, equally terrifying for all. Of course he wouldn't say it like that; he'd draw it out into a dialogue much longer than was deserved--but the basic idea's there. While I can't confirm the existence of such a Form of the Scary, I have reached a few conclusions about what makes things scary. But first, I'd like to list a few things that are not scary. Take note, Hollywood.
A) Loud noises are not scary. They are startling, and cause us to jump, but that's not the same as being scary.
B) People in monster suits are not scary. The Descent was scary up until they showed us what was chasing the women through those caves. Then it was ridiculous.
C) Copious amounts of gore/carnage is not scary. Nauseating, perhaps. Discomforting, yes. But not scary.
Now, on to the positive things:
1. Things that invade our safe space are scary.
"I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?"
At the end of a long day, where is it you can't wait to go? Well, after the bar. And after your special barfing stall in the bar. That's right: your bed. Your bed is a nice, warm, snuggly place where you go to have nice dreams and occasionally get some action. So when your bed ends up being the exit line of Hell's freak show, that's scary. This concept was used in The Grudge, and slightly differently in Paranormal Activity: it's scary to watch, but much, much scarier when you turn in for the night.
2. Things that are unstoppable are scary.
Invincible Sonic excepted.
When I was a young lad, I saw an episode of the old-school Jonny Quest that absolutely terrified me. Why? Because it had a freaking unstoppable robot, that's why. It was impervious to all kinds of bullets, explosives, and rock-throwing, and to eight-year-old me that was as scary as it got. (Much later, I would play Resident Evil 4, and encounter the Regenerators. Frantically unloading multiple magazines into their freakish bodies without any effect, I would realize just how much scarier it could get.) Not knowing how to get rid of something leads to an overwhelming sense of dread, which escalates into panic, and eventually full-blown terror.
3. Horror is seeing the scariest thing possible. Terror is imagining it.
I can't tell you how many times this has happened: While watching a movie, I lose all sense of bravery, and hide behind my less-than-protective hands as something scary happens on screen. I don't see it, but I can hear it, and that's plenty enough for me to imagine what's happening. Years later, with the scary movie scaled down to a 20-inch TV screen, and watching with the lights on at noon, I muster enough strength to actually watch. And then? What happens on-screen is nowhere near as terrifying as what my twisted mind had come up with. The same thing that makes successful poetry (what happens in the gaps) also makes scream-inducing terror. Go figure.
Of course, this is only my list. Your own may be much different. Some people find clowns terrifying. I happen to view them as a degradation of human dignity. (Maybe because I've seen Octopussy.) Other people are frightened by snakes. Everyone's list is different, but we all have one. (As it turns out, the kids who used to laugh at your fears happen to be afraid of spiders. Exploit this.)
Okay, readers, I'll be honest: I stole this idea. Blatantly. From right here, in fact. But, just like Disney, I have no problem stealing an established idea, making it longer, and then mass-marketing it. Unlike Disney, I probably won't make money off of it. Nor am I going to make a repeated commentary about the expendability of mothers.
Anyway, I thought it would be fun to expand the video game theme into all of fiction and ponder what kinds of status we'd be getting from these heroes (and villains) of Movies, TV, and Literature. So here it goes.
Fictional Facebook Status Updates
Tyler Durden is not talking about Fight Club. Oh, wait. Shit. Yesterday at 11:27pm
Atticus Finch is still preparing his defense. FML. Today at 3:16am
Gob Bluth has made a huge mistake. About an hour ago
Frodo Baggins wishes Gollum would stop creepin. Today at 1:20pm Gollum likes this. Today at 1:21pm
Clark Kent is nothing like Superman. Not even a little. About three hours ago Lois Lane LOL. You should probably take down your earlier profile pics. 5 minutes ago
Alex de Large is pregaming. party at whoevers house we decide to break into. 9 hours ago
James Bond haD tpo many vofka marhtinsiii Yesterday at 10:07pm
Neo is not real. Neither is facebook. Or your computer. Or reality. A moment ago
Socrates too crazy with the hemlock. feel like shit. 2 seconds ago
Hamlet life is bullshit. just listening to hawthorne in my closet. WTF mom! marrying dad's bro less than two months after he died! i might cut myself but ur the one whos effed up. yeah i got a crazy gf who drowned herself (r.i.p. O), but ur waaay worse. PDA = nasty, btw. a retarded monkey wouldv been sadder than you after dad died. i cut my wrists instead of cutting you, bitch. you hadn't even stopped crying before you married uncle claude. (btw, hes as much like dad as i am like effin superman!) ever heard of incest you nasty ho! Today at 9:12am
Ghost Hamlet yo! y u havnt killed ur uncle yet? Today at 9:14am
Don Draper guesses you probably ignore the adds on the side of your facebook. They don't apply to you, right? They're just put there based on items in your "interests" lists. And the stuff in there isn't all true. But it -is- what you want other people to see, isn't it? It's who you want to be--how you want other people to see you. And those ads are based on your interests. Which means the easiest way to be that person is to click on the ad links on the side of your facebook. And don't you want to click? I think you do. 3 hours ago
Pete Campbell Funny, my ad says "Want to be an Ad Executive?" Isn't that swell? 2 hours ago
Peggy Olson Mine says "Want to be Don Draper?" What does that mean? 2 hours ago
Sal Romano Mine says "Want to chat with local male singles?"... 1 hour ago
Montressor is running out to Home Depot for some bricks and mortar. Back later tonight, if you want to hang out, Fortunato. Yesterday at 4:39pm
There you have it! And if you're wondering what Edgar Allan Poe's Myspace would have looked like, Cracked.com already has you covered.
My GE brand clothes washer has a problem--it doesn't know when to quit. This is problematic for me, as I have a life to run, and prefer to do it in clean clothes. But my washer has other ideas. There are three parts to its wash cycle: wash, rinse, and final spin. Simple enough, right? Wrong. Completely freaking wrong.
Here's an approximate breakdown of the amount of time each part of the cycle takes:
Wash: 20 minutes
Rinse: 15 minutes
Final Spin: 12 lifetimes
As you can see, it's not evenly distributed. The idea seems straightforward to me--clean the clothes, rinse away the suds, and then give an extra spin to get rid of excess water. But my washer doesn't share this understanding. It apparently believes that it was born to act as a centrifuge, spinning in an endless frenzy until all trace of fibers have been fused to the washing drum. This would not be a problem, except, during the cycle, the washer acquires a metallic kung-fu grip so powerful that not even the jaws of life would allow me to pry it open so that I may grab the last surviving fibers and watch them slowly sift through my fingers as I openly mourn their tragic loss. Time and time again I plead for the existence of my clothes, but the washer, bastard child of the G-Force simulation machines used at NASA, will never yield.
Another victim of my washing machine.
Perhaps this a matter of misunderstanding; the washing machine might just think that "Final Spin" means a spin so long, it is the last thing a person sees before he dies. (To me, it sounds like a super combo from Street Fighter.) But no. That round window stares back at me like a mocking eye--daring me to try and stop it, and laughing at my futile attempts. Surely it knows! Oh! The thousand injuries of washing machine I have borne as best I could!
Pure evil.
What if everything was this way? What if every "final" event lasted as long as this grotesque manipulation of the time/space continuum? I imagine it would be something like this:
Final exams for fall semester would last the entirety of winter break.
The "Final Cut" of Blade Runner would spawn three subsequent versions.
The final destination of any flight would be Jupiter.
Final Fantasy would be an endless series of games. (Hm, I guess it already is.)
The NCAA Final Four would occur in the second round, fifteen games before the championship.
Europe's Final Countdown would become an opus exceeding the lengths of "In A Gadda Da Vida", thereby transforming it from an enjoyably bad relic of the 1980s into a crime against humanity.
There's only one logical conclusion: My washer is a primitive (but viciously effective) version of the Terminator, sent back in time to destroy the humans. And I must lead the resistance.
With the zombies defeated and the mentors gathered, President Colbert brings me in to his private office. "It's time," he tells me, looking very serious in his American Flag suit. "The world needs saving, and it's up to you to decide who will do it. You've got to pick five people to go out there and stop the world from ending. Who will it be?"
This is it. Everything in my life up to this point, all the books I've read, the movies I've watched, games I've played has been leading up to this moment: saving the world. Well, okay. Not actually saving the world. But at least picking the people who save the world. That's close enough right? I mean, it's pretty much the same thing. ...Shut up. Yes it is.
Top 5 - People to Save the World!
#5 - Sarah Connor
This is the big time, and nothing less than having actually saved the world will qualify you for a spot on this list. Sarah Connor has that on her resume, although she did it a bit more indirectly than others on this list (at least in the beginning). Rather than stopping someone who was about to destroy the entire Earth, Sarah made what was more of a preemptive strike, killing the terminator before he could kill her and thereby prevent her from having the child that would eventually save the world from the rest of the machines. So why is John Connor not on this list, you ask? Simple: he's nowhere near as cool as his mom.
Sarah Connor was an ordinary 80s chick before saving the world. She had no special training, no particularly useful knowledge, just awesome 80s hair. Then, out of nowhere, some crazy Austrian robot from the future starts chasing her around LA, trying to kill her. She can't rely on nuclear weaponry or the internet to save her, and instead uses classic weapons like homemade explosives and synthesizer music. Then came Terminator 2, and Sarah was in full-blown ass-kicking mode. She earns this spot with her resourcefulness and sheer determination to not suffer an agonizing death.
#4 - Buffy Summers
A history of saving the world is a requirement for this list, but being able to negotiate the myriad of emotional troubles that come with regular teenage/young adult life will bump you up on the list. For most people, those years are spent fighting metaphorical, internalized monsters. For Buffy, her demons were literal. That's right, while most of us were complaining about acne, cafeteria food, and that one girl in math class whom you try so hard to be friendly with but get nowhere because she inevitably resorts to telling stories about how much she loves her football player boyfriend and can't wait until her parents go out of town for a weekend, Buffy was spending her nights killing actual vampires (who did not sparkle).
Sure, she got a lot of help from Giles, Willow, Xander, and all the other people who wandered into her life. Imagine what she could do when paired with Sarah Connor (and the other people on this list). Saving the world is rarely a one-person job, although the remaining people on this list try very hard to do it that way. Buffy, however, brings her witty personality and awesome combat skills and is able to share them with the group. She's proven her ability to work with others and come out victorious--definitely something you want when the entire world is at stake.
#3 - Link
Sometimes, the world is threatened by forms of dark magic and evil power that modern heroes like Sarah and Buffy don't quite have the means to combat. That's why Link's here. That, and the fact that he has a weapon known as the Master Sword--shouldn't that basically guarantee victory? Link is a silent but strong warrior with tremendous endurance, fierce fighting abilities, and a variety of musical instruments that inevitably aid him in his quests. Let's face it, if you spend enough time trying to save the world, you'll probably want someone who can cheer you up with Greensleeves.
Along with his Master Sword, Link boasts an impressive arsenal of hammers, bows, and bombs, as well as special tunics that allow him to breathe underwater, making him one of the most versatile heroes around. He'll fight at the bottom of a lake, inside a volcano, or at the top of a tower. With an awesome history of slaying monsters many times his size, Link is qualified to take down just about any beast on his own. And please, leave Navi at home--we don't need an annoying fairy with ADD shouting at us every time she notices something.
#2 - James Bond
History of saving the world? Check. Classy wardrobe? Check. Dead shot and a penchant for uttering death quips? Check and mate. Bond has saved the world more than twenty times already from some of the most villainous (and elaborate) people on this planet. He has a good history of working with allies--Kerim Bey, Jack Wade, and Felix Leiter being the most notable--and also possesses the ability to make allies out of the villains' associates. I'm not exactly sure how much of an advantage we'd gain by pulling Brigitte Neilsen to our side but, hey--you never know.
One of 007's best qualifications is that he comes equipped with everything needed to save the world. A Walther PPK, laser watch, some kind of homing device, and keys to an Aston Martin (likely with ejector seat) are on his person at nearly all times. And in this time of crisis, Q is sure to be able to whip up something special to aid him in his mission. Mr. Bond, as his enemies like to refer to him, is extremely skilled at escaping tight situations, and fighting his way through absurd amounts of henchmen. When saving the world, these traits cannot be overvalued. Oh, but please don't hit on Buffy and Sarah. Please?
#1 - Batman
When all the factors are added up, Batman emerges on top for one reason: sheer awesomeness. And that is in no way meant to detract from the others on this list--he's just that good. Like Bond, he was orphaned at a young age. Like Sarah Connor, he began as an ordinary person. Like Link, he's kind of broody. And like Buffy, he has an old guy helping him out. He's basically all of the other heroes combined.
Batman has focused his entire life around fighting crime ever since his parents were murdered, giving him a focus and determination unmatched in any hero. A knowledge of psychology helps him fight his enemies in ways that are non-physical (but have no doubt he can win both kinds of battles). He also has virtually limitless financial resources, which means he can buy the rest of us the latest iPhones and gaming consoles. Batman has fought all variety of enemies, from the mostly brawny (Bane), to the more brainy (Hugo Strange), the manimalistic (Man-Bat), and the positively deranged (you know). His very presence is terrifying, to allies and enemies alike, and with good reason. Even without superpowers, Batman can beat the life out of anyone and make it look easy. Let's put it this way: when Superman needs to scare someone into a confession, he brings that person to Batman. He has the physical, technological, and psychological weapons needed to keep us all safe from diabolical destruction. Also: Batmobile.
Some people celebrate Thanksgiving every day.
Marriage material.
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