We Have Nothing to Fear but...Ghosts. And Bear Cavalry*.

A very important person once said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I'm not 100% positive, but I think it was Yoda. As you are undoubtedly aware, this blog is no stranger to the truly frightening, having covered the topic not just once, but twice. This particular post, however, takes a bit of a broader look than before.

This weekend, the film Paranormal Activity enjoyed the fruits of a wide release, taking in over 1000 times more money than it cost to make. This movie already has internet-savvy moms calling it the scariest movie they have ever seen, which is interesting for so many reasons. (And, no, they're not the only ones.) Just as interesting, though, is the fact that there are plenty of people who are declaring it the least scary movie they have ever seen. How is this possible? Which is the truth? And do ghosts really exist? Don't worry, I promise to answer one of those questions (maybe).

Fear is one of the most subjective experiences, challenged only by comedy for widest range of opinions. This shouldn't be surprising if you've ever watched horror movies on Sci-Fi channel--movies that unsuccessfully try to be scary just end up being funny. Even the most successful horror movies will still end up being unconventional comedies for some people, evidenced by how you can sit huddled in a trembling ball of fear while your buddy laughs at the same movie. (Also, he's laughing at you.)

Laughter is the best medicine. Cruel, cruel medicine.

So is there a scary? A universal scary that would make even the most sturdy of souls crap their pants (assuming that we have souls, and that those souls have pants)? If Plato were still around, he would argue that there was a Form of the Scary, which is the perfect ideal scariness, equally terrifying for all. Of course he wouldn't say it like that; he'd draw it out into a dialogue much longer than was deserved--but the basic idea's there. While I can't confirm the existence of such a Form of the Scary, I have reached a few conclusions about what makes things scary. But first, I'd like to list a few things that are not scary. Take note, Hollywood.

A) Loud noises are not scary. They are startling, and cause us to jump, but that's not the same as being scary.

B) People in monster suits are not scary. The Descent was scary up until they showed us what was chasing the women through those caves. Then it was ridiculous.

C) Copious amounts of gore/carnage is not scary. Nauseating, perhaps. Discomforting, yes. But not scary.

Now, on to the positive things:

1. Things that invade our safe space are scary.

"I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?"

At the end of a long day, where is it you can't wait to go? Well, after the bar. And after your special barfing stall in the bar. That's right: your bed. Your bed is a nice, warm, snuggly place where you go to have nice dreams and occasionally get some action. So when your bed ends up being the exit line of Hell's freak show, that's scary. This concept was used in The Grudge, and slightly differently in Paranormal Activity: it's scary to watch, but much, much scarier when you turn in for the night.

2. Things that are unstoppable are scary.

Invincible Sonic excepted.

When I was a young lad, I saw an episode of the old-school Jonny Quest that absolutely terrified me. Why? Because it had a freaking unstoppable robot, that's why. It was impervious to all kinds of bullets, explosives, and rock-throwing, and to eight-year-old me that was as scary as it got. (Much later, I would play Resident Evil 4, and encounter the Regenerators. Frantically unloading multiple magazines into their freakish bodies without any effect, I would realize just how much scarier it could get.) Not knowing how to get rid of something leads to an overwhelming sense of dread, which escalates into panic, and eventually full-blown terror.

3. Horror is seeing the scariest thing possible. Terror is imagining it.


I can't tell you how many times this has happened: While watching a movie, I lose all sense of bravery, and hide behind my less-than-protective hands as something scary happens on screen. I don't see it, but I can hear it, and that's plenty enough for me to imagine what's happening. Years later, with the scary movie scaled down to a 20-inch TV screen, and watching with the lights on at noon, I muster enough strength to actually watch. And then? What happens on-screen is nowhere near as terrifying as what my twisted mind had come up with. The same thing that makes successful poetry (what happens in the gaps) also makes scream-inducing terror. Go figure.

Of course, this is only my list. Your own may be much different. Some people find clowns terrifying. I happen to view them as a degradation of human dignity. (Maybe because I've seen Octopussy.) Other people are frightened by snakes. Everyone's list is different, but we all have one. (As it turns out, the kids who used to laugh at your fears happen to be afraid of spiders. Exploit this.)

*Seen here