Save Yourselves!

No one needs to be told that times are tough right now. But people do need to be told about imminent threats to the existence of humanity. Now, I know which threats you're probably most worried about: global warming, the Mayan apocalypse, a third Transformers movie. You, however, are wrong.

I'll admit, I wasn't even aware that there was a problem until someone told me. Earlier this week a man came to my door and handed me this flyer:

Apparently, the answer is in Reading, PA.

True story. I'll admit, at first, I wasn't really worried. The people in the picture didn't look very concerned about the chaotic destruction spreading across their gated communities. When I took a closer look, however, I noticed one little detail that told me there was trouble. On the bottom half of the flyer, it mentions that "Admission is free." There's only one reason that people would not charge admission to a session on how to survive the apocalypse: because it's actually coming--and they don't want to be stuck alone with their annoying neighbors!

So, I started to do some research. I typed "apocalypse threats" into google to see what was going on. The very first hit brought me to this website, detailing the four possible catastrophic events that could happen on earth. Unfortunately, there were two obvious problems. These were only catastrophic events, not apocalyptic ones--that's like ordering a triple bacon cheeseburger and only getting a single patty, with pickles. And no cheese! Not the same thing. Not even close. The second problem was that these were events that had happened in the past. We already know about that--it's entirely unhelpful!

Strangely, 80s fashion was not one of the four.

The second hit, though, was about the zombie apocalypse. That sounded more like it! At that point, I decided to change websites, and do some searching on youtube. I typed 'zombie' into the searchbar, and pressed enter, anxiously awaiting the results. And there, on the very first page, was what I had feared most.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the number-one threat to all of humanity: Zombie Snails.

Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach, or are easily frightened, you are advised to look away now. Seriously. Don't look.



Holy shit! They're real! And absolutely terrifying! If the zombification of a snail wasn't inherently fear-inducing, check out the maggot-antennae wriggling on top of its head like a multi-colored jester hat of terror! But, as horrific as the thing looks, the image isn't nearly as disturbing as the actions of the snail--or, should I say, the actions of the mind-controlling parasites! How is it even possible for creatures that tiny to be able to make other, much larger creatures, do their bidding? I don't know. And, defying both logic and any remaining hope for the belief that good exists on our planet, the immediacy of this threat gets worse. This video shows brainwashed ants unknowingly sacrifice themselves to cows after eating the slime of--wait for it--snails!

My initial frenzied panick was briefly offset when I remembered that an internet quiz had once told me I had a 98% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse. I began to gently replace the stuffing I had chewed out of my pillow when I was hit by a devastating realization. That quiz was for human zombies. These are...snail zombies! The normal methods, weapons, and tactics will be completely useless! Oh the maleficence! What could be worse? Zombie kittens?

The next step in zombie evolution?

No one knows where or when zombie snails will strike first. The truth is that the world is tragically unprepared for their attack. Stock up now on essential items: water, food--especially salt, and fully-automatic assault rifles. (I've heard Eastcoast Firearms is having a sale on AK-47s.) I cannot tell you how things will end. I can only hope that our (surviving) children will live in a world where they will never know the pants-crapping horror of zombie snails.