Readers are strongly encouraged to watch all videos before reading on.
Comedy
Bronze Medal- Bo Burnham
What's not to love about Bo Burnham? Well, okay. He does sing about klansmen and vomit-inducing romances, among other things. That's kind of a legitimate argument. But you have to admire the kid's cleverness. The above video, "Bo Fo Sho" is one of the best demonstrations, contested only by his equally-brilliant "New Math". If you're ever having one of those days when you feel like everyone else is much, much smarter than you could ever hope to be, despite what your mom told you whenever she wasn't knocking back the Grey Goose, watch one of Bo's videos. It'll worsen the feeling, but you'll be proven right in the process.
Silver Medal- The Most Adorable Animal (To Ever Go on a Bloody Rampage [#4])
Some people have irrational fears, like acrophobia, the fear of being so high up somewhere that one misstep will result in your not-nearly-immediate-enough demise. Other people have rational fears. By far the most rational fear is Gopherbia: the fear of of an animal so terrifyingly evil, Hell itself ran away shrieking like the naked chick in an 80s horror flick. I'm not sure which was the worse idea, trying to chemical-spray the gopher to death like a gigantic furry burrowing cockroach, or attempting to light a cigarette in the tiny enclosed supercombustible...oh wait. It's the second one. The only thing holding this article back from the gold medal was the author's equally idiotic decision to rank the gopher's rampage at #4. My guess is that the creature's attackers would rather have died in that explosion than live only to have their dreams haunted by its furious, demonic, rodenty visage.
Gold Medal- Powerthirst (& Powerthirst 2)
Some people tell you, "When God gives you lemons, make lemonade." Powerthirst tells you, "When God gives you lemons, you FIND A NEW GOD." It also promises winning at sports, arson, and irony. Additionally, babies. In fact, only the constraints of time prevent Powerthirst's limitless promises--I bet there's nothing it can't give you. Want to be the smartest person in the world? Go on a Powerthirst binge. Want to have the biggest everything ever? Fill the Thanksgiving turkey with Powerthirst. Want to become Batman? Combine both of the above. Want to fly on your rocket can to another dimension where you can beat up all the bad guys and probably the good guys too so that you can be the supreme ruler and conqueror and hold everyone under your complete and unwavering dominion while you have 400 babies? Powerthirst + LSD = victory!
Making the World a Better Place
Bronze Medal - Demotivators (Despair Inc.)
Really, the above picture says it all. Demotivators were the precursor to Tom Hansen's beautifully frank comment in (500) Days of Summer, "If Pickles goes for it, that's a dead cat." Despair.org gets the bronze medal for injecting a much-needed dose of reality into a world where school teachers and corporate leaders try to cover up massively failing systems with sentimental posters. Or at least that's the official answer. They really get it for being friggin' hilarious. See: Ambition, Possibilities, and the real medal-winner, Wishes.
Silver Medal - Buffy vs Edward
On a list of threats to the existence of humanity, Twilight mania ranks slightly above gophers and slightly below zombie snails. But the danger is undeniable. Good thing we have Buffy, who showed up on the Top 5 list for saving the world--because the biggest danger posed by Twilight surprisingly is not the number of deaths in massive preteen girls/middle-aged women stampedes. Rather, it's proliferating the notion that anything Edward Cullen does is at all not-creepy. This video uses the greatness of Buffy to reveal the fact that Edward Cullen is actually as romantic as Jeffrey Dahmer. (Seriously. They both eat people.) And to add some truth-in-advertising: no, I've never read a Twilight book or seen any of the movies. But sometimes you just know things are bad. Take food for instance. Have you ever tasted a turd? Of course not, because you just know sampling that steamy pile would leave you retching for weeks. And that's exactly what Edward Cullen is: a turd in the mouth of society.
And speaking of Joss Whedon...
Gold Medal - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Not only was Dr. Horrible possibly the biggest straight-to-Hulu production of all time, but it also showed that quality work could be produced without the interference of large studios who tend to suck away all the profits. Oh, and it's absolutely amazing. Fact #1: It stars Neil Patrick Harris as a singing, blogging supervillain. Fact #2: All other facts are irrelevant. If you've somehow missed this piece of history, a plague upon your house!
And when that passes, you should totally check it out on iTunes.
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