Here's 35 aphorims from Poor Richard's Almanac and other locations, updated for modern relevancy. (The original parts are in normal font, while the modifications are italicized.)
Now with iPhone projectile!After three days men grow weary / of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy. / But lolcats will live forever.
Necessity never made a good bargain. Then again, Necessity did everything through Craigslist.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. Unless the third is on twitter.
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man definitely not a vampire.
What is serving God? Tis doing Good to Man. What is serving the church? I'm not sure, but it involves money in a basket and eating stale cookies.
There are three faithful friends -- an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. But on Facebook, you can have three thousand friends. Or acquaintances. Or random strangers. Whatever.
If you would not be forgotten / As soon as you are dead and rotten, / Either write things worthy reading, / Or better yet, make a fool of yourself on youtube.
He that riseth late partied hard yesternight.
When the well's dry, we know the worth of water. It's fucking expensive, and goes by the name Evian.
The cat in gloves catches no mice. And the Cat in the Hat makes a much better book than movie.
One good Husband is worth two good Wives, and most husbands have at least that many.
Fish and visitors stink after three days. So do your feet.
Who has deceiv'd thee so oft as thy self? Oh, right, Bernie Madoff.
A country man between two lawyers, is like a fish between two cats. It makes great internet humor.
To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish. Also, it gets you a restraining order.
"Didn't Ben Franklin have Syphilis?"Be slow in chusing a friend, slower in changing. But really quick in accepting their friend requests, lest they be offended.
He that drinks his Cyder alone is an alcoholic. He that drinks with friends is just entertaining.
Fear not death, for we need you to provide us with hilarious videos.
He that drinks fast, wins flip-cup.
Love your Neighbour; just don't let your spouses find out.
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages. People who brag about the size of their packages have small packages.
Read much, but not too many books.
The sleeping Fox catches no poultry. And the broadcasting Fox tells no truth.
The end of Passion is the beginning of...marriage.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But the good stuff runs about $200 an ounce.
Courteous Reader / Remember that time is money. And give me both.
We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. ...There's a penis joke here somewhere.
Those who are feared are winning the bioweapons race.
A mob's a monster; heads enough but no brains. Kind of like Amy Winehouse.
Doing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one make you but even with him; embarrassing him online makes you rich and famous.
Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor liberty to purchase power. Anything else, just put on eBay.
Little strokes are best uninterrupted by your mother.
A penny saved is taxable income.
Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones; that's what she said.
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
He that drinks his Cyder alone is an alcoholic. He that drinks with friends is just entertaining.
Fear not death, for we need you to provide us with hilarious videos.
He that drinks fast, wins flip-cup.
Love your Neighbour; just don't let your spouses find out.
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages. People who brag about the size of their packages have small packages.
Read much, but not too many books.
The sleeping Fox catches no poultry. And the broadcasting Fox tells no truth.
The end of Passion is the beginning of...marriage.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But the good stuff runs about $200 an ounce.
Courteous Reader / Remember that time is money. And give me both.
We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. ...There's a penis joke here somewhere.
Those who are feared are winning the bioweapons race.
A mob's a monster; heads enough but no brains. Kind of like Amy Winehouse.
Doing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one make you but even with him; embarrassing him online makes you rich and famous.
Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor liberty to purchase power. Anything else, just put on eBay.
Little strokes are best uninterrupted by your mother.
A penny saved is taxable income.
Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones; that's what she said.
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
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