The First (and Only) Annual Internet Awards - Achievement Section

The Olympics are closing out this weekend. The Academy Awards are coming up. And, in a stunning dismissal of reality, the Internet is in talks for a Nobel Peace Prize (nomination). By which I mean it has an entire campaign and is actually gaining support. Before moving on to the main topic of this post, I would like to address the lone fact that will crush that campaign: every single internet commenter ever makes more sweeping generalizations and uses more hyperbole than any person you would ever meet in a million and a half years. It's a scientific fact. Plus, there's even a CollegeHumor video about it, which trumps scientific fact.



But I'm not here to bash the internet. In fact, that very idea seems like the least poetic concept imaginable. The truth is, I love the internet! Without it, I would be forced to print out a few--an entire few--physical copies of these articles for distribution for my readers. Probably on a regular schedule, too, rather than my preferred whenever-I-feel-like-posting system. And let's not even mention the loss of hyperlinking.

So, in honor of the Olympics, the Academy Awards, and most importantly, the internet, I'm handing out (figuratively) some awards/medals for some of the greatest feats ever to grace "teh interwebz". Today's post: Internet Achievements.

Best Waste of Time Disguised as Something Legit - Facebook


Facebook is a self-described social networking site. Change one letter, though, and the description becomes more accurate: social notworking site! Sure, flash games may be a better waste of time, but they're open about the fact that they're only there to help college kids not write papers. Facebook purports to having a real purpose. But, let's be honest, 98% of facebook usage is for procrastination, 1.5% is for creating events for raging keggers on the weekends/holidays, 0.4% is for drunken wall-posts and facebook chats after said parties, with the remaining 0.1% for truly connecting with people. Except, "truly connecting" means allowing you to keep track of that sleazy kid from your high school who knocked a girl up right after he graduated, despite being the least-qualified person you know to raise a child. But, hey! Now that you're facebook friends with your mom, she can finally see your kegstand skills and trashy hookups!

Greatest Way to Rediscover Joys of Childhood - Video Game Cover Music

Pictured: the Segatar.

Chances are, if you're anyone worth befriending, you probably played at least one of the following as a child: Sonic the Hedgehog, Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong, Pokemon, Kirby, or at the very least, Tetris. If so: great news! (If not, please leave.) The iconic music from all of those games (and many others) can be found all over the place in updated, not-so-8-bit form! The samples range from orchestral, to metal, and each is exciting in its own way. My personal favorite is a Sonic the Hedgehog rock medley. But perhaps the most impressive is Zelda Reorchestrated, which takes the already epic music from Legend of Zelda games and amplifies it with a fully orchestral sound. Nostalgia to the max.

Most Significant Innovation in Stalking - Google Earth

"Thank you Google Earth." -Dr. Tobias Funke

Stalking used to be tough work. If you wanted to stalk the cute girl from philosophy, you had to do everything the old-fashioned way, hovering around her all day, waiting for her to let slip a piece of crucial information like a phone number. Then you would have to pull out an actual phone book, look up the street address matching that number, and use a paper map to guess where 1701 Peaceful Serene Garden Lane is. And even after all of that, you'd still have to wait in the bushes for hours for her to come out of the house just so you could follow her to her friend's house where they would hopefully have a pool party, only to be disappointed when it turned out to be a Meatloaf and Dawson's Creek party involving a traumatic armpit-shaving session. But I'm of the firm belief that these difficulties increased the rewards. Google Earth let's you plug in all that facebook info and provides you instant access to equally-dispiriting Grey's Anatomy marathons where they just text each other about that creeper from Philosophy and don't even make out a little bit.

Sunday's Post: the Medal Round!