Medal Round

COMPETITION SECTION
Readers are strongly encouraged to watch all videos before reading on.

Comedy

Bronze Medal- Bo Burnham



What's not to love about Bo Burnham? Well, okay. He does sing about klansmen and vomit-inducing romances, among other things. That's kind of a legitimate argument. But you have to admire the kid's cleverness. The above video, "Bo Fo Sho" is one of the best demonstrations, contested only by his equally-brilliant "New Math". If you're ever having one of those days when you feel like everyone else is much, much smarter than you could ever hope to be, despite what your mom told you whenever she wasn't knocking back the Grey Goose, watch one of Bo's videos. It'll worsen the feeling, but you'll be proven right in the process.

Silver Medal- The Most Adorable Animal (To Ever Go on a Bloody Rampage [#4])


Some people have irrational fears, like acrophobia, the fear of being so high up somewhere that one misstep will result in your not-nearly-immediate-enough demise. Other people have rational fears. By far the most rational fear is Gopherbia: the fear of of an animal so terrifyingly evil, Hell itself ran away shrieking like the naked chick in an 80s horror flick. I'm not sure which was the worse idea, trying to chemical-spray the gopher to death like a gigantic furry burrowing cockroach, or attempting to light a cigarette in the tiny enclosed supercombustible...oh wait. It's the second one. The only thing holding this article back from the gold medal was the author's equally idiotic decision to rank the gopher's rampage at #4. My guess is that the creature's attackers would rather have died in that explosion than live only to have their dreams haunted by its furious, demonic, rodenty visage.

Gold Medal- Powerthirst (& Powerthirst 2)



Some people tell you, "When God gives you lemons, make lemonade." Powerthirst tells you, "When God gives you lemons, you FIND A NEW GOD." It also promises winning at sports, arson, and irony. Additionally, babies. In fact, only the constraints of time prevent Powerthirst's limitless promises--I bet there's nothing it can't give you. Want to be the smartest person in the world? Go on a Powerthirst binge. Want to have the biggest everything ever? Fill the Thanksgiving turkey with Powerthirst. Want to become Batman? Combine both of the above. Want to fly on your rocket can to another dimension where you can beat up all the bad guys and probably the good guys too so that you can be the supreme ruler and conqueror and hold everyone under your complete and unwavering dominion while you have 400 babies? Powerthirst + LSD = victory!

Making the World a Better Place

Bronze Medal - Demotivators (Despair Inc.)


Really, the above picture says it all. Demotivators were the precursor to Tom Hansen's beautifully frank comment in (500) Days of Summer, "If Pickles goes for it, that's a dead cat." Despair.org gets the bronze medal for injecting a much-needed dose of reality into a world where school teachers and corporate leaders try to cover up massively failing systems with sentimental posters. Or at least that's the official answer. They really get it for being friggin' hilarious. See: Ambition, Possibilities, and the real medal-winner, Wishes.

Silver Medal - Buffy vs Edward



On a list of threats to the existence of humanity, Twilight mania ranks slightly above gophers and slightly below zombie snails. But the danger is undeniable. Good thing we have Buffy, who showed up on the Top 5 list for saving the world--because the biggest danger posed by Twilight surprisingly is not the number of deaths in massive preteen girls/middle-aged women stampedes. Rather, it's proliferating the notion that anything Edward Cullen does is at all not-creepy. This video uses the greatness of Buffy to reveal the fact that Edward Cullen is actually as romantic as Jeffrey Dahmer. (Seriously. They both eat people.) And to add some truth-in-advertising: no, I've never read a Twilight book or seen any of the movies. But sometimes you just know things are bad. Take food for instance. Have you ever tasted a turd? Of course not, because you just know sampling that steamy pile would leave you retching for weeks. And that's exactly what Edward Cullen is: a turd in the mouth of society.

And speaking of Joss Whedon...

Gold Medal - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog



Not only was Dr. Horrible possibly the biggest straight-to-Hulu production of all time, but it also showed that quality work could be produced without the interference of large studios who tend to suck away all the profits. Oh, and it's absolutely amazing. Fact #1: It stars Neil Patrick Harris as a singing, blogging supervillain. Fact #2: All other facts are irrelevant. If you've somehow missed this piece of history, a plague upon your house!

And when that passes, you should totally check it out on iTunes.

The First (and Only) Annual Internet Awards - Achievement Section

The Olympics are closing out this weekend. The Academy Awards are coming up. And, in a stunning dismissal of reality, the Internet is in talks for a Nobel Peace Prize (nomination). By which I mean it has an entire campaign and is actually gaining support. Before moving on to the main topic of this post, I would like to address the lone fact that will crush that campaign: every single internet commenter ever makes more sweeping generalizations and uses more hyperbole than any person you would ever meet in a million and a half years. It's a scientific fact. Plus, there's even a CollegeHumor video about it, which trumps scientific fact.



But I'm not here to bash the internet. In fact, that very idea seems like the least poetic concept imaginable. The truth is, I love the internet! Without it, I would be forced to print out a few--an entire few--physical copies of these articles for distribution for my readers. Probably on a regular schedule, too, rather than my preferred whenever-I-feel-like-posting system. And let's not even mention the loss of hyperlinking.

So, in honor of the Olympics, the Academy Awards, and most importantly, the internet, I'm handing out (figuratively) some awards/medals for some of the greatest feats ever to grace "teh interwebz". Today's post: Internet Achievements.

Best Waste of Time Disguised as Something Legit - Facebook


Facebook is a self-described social networking site. Change one letter, though, and the description becomes more accurate: social notworking site! Sure, flash games may be a better waste of time, but they're open about the fact that they're only there to help college kids not write papers. Facebook purports to having a real purpose. But, let's be honest, 98% of facebook usage is for procrastination, 1.5% is for creating events for raging keggers on the weekends/holidays, 0.4% is for drunken wall-posts and facebook chats after said parties, with the remaining 0.1% for truly connecting with people. Except, "truly connecting" means allowing you to keep track of that sleazy kid from your high school who knocked a girl up right after he graduated, despite being the least-qualified person you know to raise a child. But, hey! Now that you're facebook friends with your mom, she can finally see your kegstand skills and trashy hookups!

Greatest Way to Rediscover Joys of Childhood - Video Game Cover Music

Pictured: the Segatar.

Chances are, if you're anyone worth befriending, you probably played at least one of the following as a child: Sonic the Hedgehog, Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong, Pokemon, Kirby, or at the very least, Tetris. If so: great news! (If not, please leave.) The iconic music from all of those games (and many others) can be found all over the place in updated, not-so-8-bit form! The samples range from orchestral, to metal, and each is exciting in its own way. My personal favorite is a Sonic the Hedgehog rock medley. But perhaps the most impressive is Zelda Reorchestrated, which takes the already epic music from Legend of Zelda games and amplifies it with a fully orchestral sound. Nostalgia to the max.

Most Significant Innovation in Stalking - Google Earth

"Thank you Google Earth." -Dr. Tobias Funke

Stalking used to be tough work. If you wanted to stalk the cute girl from philosophy, you had to do everything the old-fashioned way, hovering around her all day, waiting for her to let slip a piece of crucial information like a phone number. Then you would have to pull out an actual phone book, look up the street address matching that number, and use a paper map to guess where 1701 Peaceful Serene Garden Lane is. And even after all of that, you'd still have to wait in the bushes for hours for her to come out of the house just so you could follow her to her friend's house where they would hopefully have a pool party, only to be disappointed when it turned out to be a Meatloaf and Dawson's Creek party involving a traumatic armpit-shaving session. But I'm of the firm belief that these difficulties increased the rewards. Google Earth let's you plug in all that facebook info and provides you instant access to equally-dispiriting Grey's Anatomy marathons where they just text each other about that creeper from Philosophy and don't even make out a little bit.

Sunday's Post: the Medal Round!

"Bang-a Bong-a" (A Song by Gunther)

[Disclaimer: This song is in no way actually affiliated with the artist Gunther, but is merely my response to the intricate themes I've discovered by a close analysis of his art.]

About four times every year, I get into a phase where I just can't get enough of Swedish pop artist Gunther. Can you blame me? The guy is so awesome that floors have been broken at his concerts--I've seen the repaired damage. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, I am providing the video of his most famous (and perhaps most loved) song: The Ding Dong Song. Below that you'll find the links to two of his songs that use the exact same music.



Teeny Weeny String Bikini

Sunstrip

Good stuff, that. Now, I may never be able to write anything as deep and unifying as Gunther can, but that doesn't mean I can't try! And what better time to try than Valentine's Day: the day of love...and Hallmark (and massacres). So, without any further delay, I present to you: Bang-a Bong-a (A Song by Gunther [but written by me!])

It's the wrong holiday but...fuck it. He's got a puppy.

Bang-a Bong-a
(to the approximate tune of "Ding Dong Song")

Gunther [chorus]: I want to bang-a bong-a
I want to uh-uh-uh (Mmm)
I want to dance up on ya
Ooooh, I want sex

Sunshine Girls: La-la-la-la

G: It is night at the club
You are looking very hot
You are dancing, you are sweaty
And you wipe away a snot

I see you looking at me
And not the other dudes
You know where I am looking
...at your boobs.

SG [refrain]: Oh, oh, oh, oh, Gunther we love you
This is what you pay us to do
Sing and say how much we love you
Hey next week our checks will be due!

[Chorus]

G: That night in the room
You are sitting next to me
You are pressing the right buttons
To turn on ...the TV

When I say "the TV"
It's not a metaphor for sex
But as far as rhyming
Really, that's my best

SG: La-la-la-la

G: That night in the bed
We are getting all sex-y
But you fall asleep
Because you have narcolepsy

[Refrain]

[Chorus]

G: It is now 2AM
And I sit here a loner
Because you are asleep
But I have a huge boner (So huge!)

SG: Hey guess what: Gunther we hate you
We are not your little sex toys
Who would ever want to date you?
We all know that you just like boys.

[Chorus x2]

G: Uhhh

A Stitch in Time...is Cheaper to Outsource to Asia

Ben Franklin's aphorisms might be a little different if he had lived 300 years later. Perhaps he would have quipped about beating out five presidents and a US Treasurer to get his picture on the $100 bill, or noted that holy shit, lightning! If nothing else, he would be much more cynical and immature.

Here's 35 aphorims from Poor Richard's Almanac and other locations, updated for modern relevancy. (The original parts are in normal font, while the modifications are italicized.)

Now with iPhone projectile!

After three days men grow weary / of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy. / But lolcats will live forever.

Necessity never made a good bargain. Then again, Necessity did everything through Craigslist.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. Unless the third is on twitter.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man definitely not a vampire.

What is serving God? Tis doing Good to Man. What is serving the church? I'm not sure, but it involves money in a basket and eating stale cookies.

There are three faithful friends -- an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. But on Facebook, you can have three thousand friends. Or acquaintances. Or random strangers. Whatever.

If you would not be forgotten / As soon as you are dead and rotten, / Either write things worthy reading, / Or better yet, make a fool of yourself on youtube.

He that riseth late partied hard yesternight.

When the well's dry, we know the worth of water. It's fucking expensive, and goes by the name Evian.

The cat in gloves catches no mice. And the Cat in the Hat makes a much better book than movie.

One good Husband is worth two good Wives, and most husbands have at least that many.

Fish and visitors stink after three days. So do your feet.

Who has deceiv'd thee so oft as thy self? Oh, right, Bernie Madoff.

A country man between two lawyers, is like a fish between two cats. It makes great internet humor.

To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish. Also, it gets you a restraining order.

"Didn't Ben Franklin have Syphilis?"

Be slow in chusing a friend, slower in changing. But really quick in accepting their friend requests, lest they be offended.

He that drinks his Cyder alone is an alcoholic. He that drinks with friends is just entertaining.

Fear not death, for we need you to provide us with hilarious videos.

He that drinks fast, wins flip-cup.

Love your Neighbour; just don't let your spouses find out.

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages. People who brag about the size of their packages have small packages.

Read much, but not too many books.

The sleeping Fox catches no poultry. And the broadcasting Fox tells no truth.

The end of Passion is the beginning of...marriage.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But the good stuff runs about $200 an ounce.

Courteous Reader / Remember that time is money. And give me both.

We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. ...There's a penis joke here somewhere.

Those who are feared are winning the bioweapons race.

A mob's a monster; heads enough but no brains. Kind of like Amy Winehouse.

Doing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one make you but even with him; embarrassing him online makes you rich and famous.

Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor liberty to purchase power. Anything else, just put on eBay.

Little strokes are best uninterrupted by your mother.

A penny saved is taxable income.

Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones; that's what she said.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.