Handy Halloween Help

Halloween is tomorrow. What? You didn't know that? And you have just 24 hours to put together the best pop-culture referencing costume $25 can buy? Don't worry. As always, Poposophical is here to help.

What follows are five suggestions for creative, non-traditional costumes that you're pretty much guaranteed not to find anyone else wearing.

1) The Slutty Pumpkin

Womanologist/womanizer and all-around scholar Barney Stinson cites Halloween as the one holiday where chicks have a free pass to slut it up. Are you a chick? Do you want to slut it up? Try going as the slutty pumpkin! While other girls will be going as slutty animals and slutty girls-who-need-attention, you're guaranteed* to be the only slutty orange food! Just take a non-slutty pumpkin costume, and carve it in strategic locations. You'll have guys chasing you all night.

*Guarantee does not exist.

2) Rocky from Rocky VIII: Rocky versus the Stairs

Some people might think that Halloween largely excludes elderly folks from its activities. Some people are wrong. Besides the fact that grandparents all over the country get to stay home, spend no money on candy, leave their front-porch lights on, and then yell threateningly at the poor, confused little children who don't understand why they aren't being handed little packets of childhood obesity, senior citizens can also dress up. For this costume, just walk around in a pair of golden silk boxers (inducing early cases of the Halloween pukes), strap boxing gloves to your arthritic hands, and walk around mumbling incoherently about "Adrian..." and "the guy with the tiger" or whatever. If you don't get invited back to parties next year, you'll know it's because of your awesomely intimidating costume, and definitely not that menthol-cigarette smell.

3) Michael Bay

Walk around shouting "EXPLOSIONS*!"

*Bonus points if you actually have explosions!

4) Katy Perry

Dress up in an over-sexualized version of 1920s clothing, and tell everyone at the party how you kissed a girl, and you liked it, describing the various sensations and reasons behind your "experiment". Tell people not just once, but preferably four or five times. But here's the most important part: do not actually kiss a girl*! That would ruin the illusion, and you would now be Lindsay Lohan, not Katy Perry.

*If you do kiss a girl, make sure you check out College Humor the next day to see the pictures and/or videos.

5) Zombie Dumbledore

The original description, from ~Chris~ on Yahoo! Answers says it all:

"You should dress up as Zombie Dumbledore. Zombie Dumbledore looks like regular Dumbledore, only he has an ATV and a WW2 era helmet with some poker cards attached to it. Also, he's a zombie. It would help if you had one of those huge boa constrictors to wear across your shoulder like a living scarf, too...Zombie Dumbledore has one of those."

Have fun gallivanting around in your awesome costumes! And remember what your parents always told you: Don't accept candy from strangers/the Middle School algebra teacher!

We Have Nothing to Fear but...Ghosts. And Bear Cavalry*.

A very important person once said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I'm not 100% positive, but I think it was Yoda. As you are undoubtedly aware, this blog is no stranger to the truly frightening, having covered the topic not just once, but twice. This particular post, however, takes a bit of a broader look than before.

This weekend, the film Paranormal Activity enjoyed the fruits of a wide release, taking in over 1000 times more money than it cost to make. This movie already has internet-savvy moms calling it the scariest movie they have ever seen, which is interesting for so many reasons. (And, no, they're not the only ones.) Just as interesting, though, is the fact that there are plenty of people who are declaring it the least scary movie they have ever seen. How is this possible? Which is the truth? And do ghosts really exist? Don't worry, I promise to answer one of those questions (maybe).

Fear is one of the most subjective experiences, challenged only by comedy for widest range of opinions. This shouldn't be surprising if you've ever watched horror movies on Sci-Fi channel--movies that unsuccessfully try to be scary just end up being funny. Even the most successful horror movies will still end up being unconventional comedies for some people, evidenced by how you can sit huddled in a trembling ball of fear while your buddy laughs at the same movie. (Also, he's laughing at you.)

Laughter is the best medicine. Cruel, cruel medicine.

So is there a scary? A universal scary that would make even the most sturdy of souls crap their pants (assuming that we have souls, and that those souls have pants)? If Plato were still around, he would argue that there was a Form of the Scary, which is the perfect ideal scariness, equally terrifying for all. Of course he wouldn't say it like that; he'd draw it out into a dialogue much longer than was deserved--but the basic idea's there. While I can't confirm the existence of such a Form of the Scary, I have reached a few conclusions about what makes things scary. But first, I'd like to list a few things that are not scary. Take note, Hollywood.

A) Loud noises are not scary. They are startling, and cause us to jump, but that's not the same as being scary.

B) People in monster suits are not scary. The Descent was scary up until they showed us what was chasing the women through those caves. Then it was ridiculous.

C) Copious amounts of gore/carnage is not scary. Nauseating, perhaps. Discomforting, yes. But not scary.

Now, on to the positive things:

1. Things that invade our safe space are scary.

"I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?"

At the end of a long day, where is it you can't wait to go? Well, after the bar. And after your special barfing stall in the bar. That's right: your bed. Your bed is a nice, warm, snuggly place where you go to have nice dreams and occasionally get some action. So when your bed ends up being the exit line of Hell's freak show, that's scary. This concept was used in The Grudge, and slightly differently in Paranormal Activity: it's scary to watch, but much, much scarier when you turn in for the night.

2. Things that are unstoppable are scary.

Invincible Sonic excepted.

When I was a young lad, I saw an episode of the old-school Jonny Quest that absolutely terrified me. Why? Because it had a freaking unstoppable robot, that's why. It was impervious to all kinds of bullets, explosives, and rock-throwing, and to eight-year-old me that was as scary as it got. (Much later, I would play Resident Evil 4, and encounter the Regenerators. Frantically unloading multiple magazines into their freakish bodies without any effect, I would realize just how much scarier it could get.) Not knowing how to get rid of something leads to an overwhelming sense of dread, which escalates into panic, and eventually full-blown terror.

3. Horror is seeing the scariest thing possible. Terror is imagining it.


I can't tell you how many times this has happened: While watching a movie, I lose all sense of bravery, and hide behind my less-than-protective hands as something scary happens on screen. I don't see it, but I can hear it, and that's plenty enough for me to imagine what's happening. Years later, with the scary movie scaled down to a 20-inch TV screen, and watching with the lights on at noon, I muster enough strength to actually watch. And then? What happens on-screen is nowhere near as terrifying as what my twisted mind had come up with. The same thing that makes successful poetry (what happens in the gaps) also makes scream-inducing terror. Go figure.

Of course, this is only my list. Your own may be much different. Some people find clowns terrifying. I happen to view them as a degradation of human dignity. (Maybe because I've seen Octopussy.) Other people are frightened by snakes. Everyone's list is different, but we all have one. (As it turns out, the kids who used to laugh at your fears happen to be afraid of spiders. Exploit this.)

*Seen here

If Fictional Characters had Facebook

*Now with fixed layout!

Okay, readers, I'll be honest: I stole this idea. Blatantly. From right here, in fact. But, just like Disney, I have no problem stealing an established idea, making it longer, and then mass-marketing it. Unlike Disney, I probably won't make money off of it. Nor am I going to make a repeated commentary about the expendability of mothers.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to expand the video game theme into all of fiction and ponder what kinds of status we'd be getting from these heroes (and villains) of Movies, TV, and Literature. So here it goes.

Fictional Facebook Status Updates



Tyler Durden is not talking about Fight Club. Oh, wait. Shit.
Yesterday at 11:27pm


Dwight Schrute is superior to you.
Today at 1:20pm



Atticus Finch is still preparing his defense. FML.
Today at 3:16am



Gob Bluth has made a huge mistake.
About an hour ago



Frodo Baggins wishes Gollum would stop creepin.
Today at 1:20pm
Gollum likes this.
Today at 1:21pm



Clark Kent is nothing like Superman. Not even a little.
About three hours ago
Lois Lane LOL. You should probably take down your earlier profile pics.
5 minutes ago


Alex de Large is pregaming. party at whoevers house we decide to break into.
9 hours ago


James Bond haD tpo many vofka marhtinsiii
Yesterday at 10:07pm



Neo is not real. Neither is facebook. Or your computer. Or reality.
A moment ago


Sam Spade New favorite song.



Daisy Buchanan party tonight!
Yesterday at 5:34pm
Jay Gatsby likes this.

Jay Gatsby hey wat time?
Yesterday at 5:57pm


Jay Gatsby and should i bring drinks?
Yesterday at 6:12pm


Jay Gatsby ill just come ovr now ;)
Yesterday at 6:31pm


Jay Gatsby why arn't you lettin me in?
Today at 3:33am


Jay Gatsby whore
Today at 3:34am

Socrates too crazy with the hemlock. feel like shit.
2 seconds ago



Hamlet life is bullshit. just listening to hawthorne in my closet. WTF mom! marrying dad's bro less than two months after he died! i might cut myself but ur the one whos effed up. yeah i got a crazy gf who drowned herself (r.i.p. O), but ur waaay worse. PDA = nasty, btw. a retarded monkey wouldv been sadder than you after dad died. i cut my wrists instead of cutting you, bitch. you hadn't even stopped crying before you married uncle claude. (btw, hes as much like dad as i am like effin superman!) ever heard of incest you nasty ho!
Today at 9:12am

Ghost Hamlet yo! y u havnt killed ur uncle yet?
Today at 9:14am

Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia Organa are no longer in a relationship, after finding out they are siblings.
About 2 hours ago

Han Solo likes this.
15 minutes ago



Lolita Haze is in the shower.
47 minutes ago
Humbert Humbert likes this.
47 minutes ago



Don Draper guesses you probably ignore the adds on the side of your facebook. They don't apply to you, right? They're just put there based on items in your "interests" lists. And the stuff in there isn't all true. But it -is- what you want other people to see, isn't it? It's who you want to be--how you want other people to see you. And those ads are based on your interests. Which means the easiest way to be that person is to click on the ad links on the side of your facebook. And don't you want to click? I think you do.
3 hours ago

Pete Campbell Funny, my ad says "Want to be an Ad Executive?" Isn't that swell?
2 hours ago

Peggy Olson Mine says "Want to be Don Draper?" What does that mean?
2 hours ago


Sal Romano Mine says "Want to chat with local male singles?"...
1 hour ago

Montressor is running out to Home Depot for some bricks and mortar. Back later tonight, if you want to hang out, Fortunato.
Yesterday at 4:39pm

There you have it! And if you're wondering what Edgar Allan Poe's Myspace would have looked like, Cracked.com already has you covered.