If "Final" Meant What My Washer Thinks It Means

My GE brand clothes washer has a problem--it doesn't know when to quit. This is problematic for me, as I have a life to run, and prefer to do it in clean clothes. But my washer has other ideas. There are three parts to its wash cycle: wash, rinse, and final spin. Simple enough, right? Wrong. Completely freaking wrong.

Here's an approximate breakdown of the amount of time each part of the cycle takes:

• Wash: 20 minutes
• Rinse: 15 minutes
• Final Spin: 12 lifetimes

As you can see, it's not evenly distributed. The idea seems straightforward to me--clean the clothes, rinse away the suds, and then give an extra spin to get rid of excess water. But my washer doesn't share this understanding. It apparently believes that it was born to act as a centrifuge, spinning in an endless frenzy until all trace of fibers have been fused to the washing drum. This would not be a problem, except, during the cycle, the washer acquires a metallic kung-fu grip so powerful that not even the jaws of life would allow me to pry it open so that I may grab the last surviving fibers and watch them slowly sift through my fingers as I openly mourn their tragic loss. Time and time again I plead for the existence of my clothes, but the washer, bastard child of the G-Force simulation machines used at NASA, will never yield.

Another victim of my washing machine.

Perhaps this a matter of misunderstanding; the washing machine might just think that "Final Spin" means a spin so long, it is the last thing a person sees before he dies. (To me, it sounds like a super combo from Street Fighter.) But no. That round window stares back at me like a mocking eye--daring me to try and stop it, and laughing at my futile attempts. Surely it knows! Oh! The thousand injuries of washing machine I have borne as best I could!

Pure evil.

What if everything was this way? What if every "final" event lasted as long as this grotesque manipulation of the time/space continuum? I imagine it would be something like this:

• Final exams for fall semester would last the entirety of winter break.
• The "Final Cut" of Blade Runner would spawn three subsequent versions.
• The final destination of any flight would be Jupiter.
• Final Fantasy would be an endless series of games. (Hm, I guess it already is.)
• The NCAA Final Four would occur in the second round, fifteen games before the championship.
• Europe's Final Countdown would become an opus exceeding the lengths of "In A Gadda Da Vida", thereby transforming it from an enjoyably bad relic of the 1980s into a crime against humanity.

There's only one logical conclusion: My washer is a primitive (but viciously effective) version of the Terminator, sent back in time to destroy the humans. And I must lead the resistance.

Week of Top 5 - Day 5: Saving the World

With the zombies defeated and the mentors gathered, President Colbert brings me in to his private office. "It's time," he tells me, looking very serious in his American Flag suit. "The world needs saving, and it's up to you to decide who will do it. You've got to pick five people to go out there and stop the world from ending. Who will it be?"

This is it. Everything in my life up to this point, all the books I've read, the movies I've watched, games I've played has been leading up to this moment: saving the world. Well, okay. Not actually saving the world. But at least picking the people who save the world. That's close enough right? I mean, it's pretty much the same thing. ...Shut up. Yes it is.

Top 5 - People to Save the World!

#5 - Sarah Connor


This is the big time, and nothing less than having actually saved the world will qualify you for a spot on this list. Sarah Connor has that on her resume, although she did it a bit more indirectly than others on this list (at least in the beginning). Rather than stopping someone who was about to destroy the entire Earth, Sarah made what was more of a preemptive strike, killing the terminator before he could kill her and thereby prevent her from having the child that would eventually save the world from the rest of the machines. So why is John Connor not on this list, you ask? Simple: he's nowhere near as cool as his mom.

Sarah Connor was an ordinary 80s chick before saving the world. She had no special training, no particularly useful knowledge, just awesome 80s hair. Then, out of nowhere, some crazy Austrian robot from the future starts chasing her around LA, trying to kill her. She can't rely on nuclear weaponry or the internet to save her, and instead uses classic weapons like homemade explosives and synthesizer music. Then came Terminator 2, and Sarah was in full-blown ass-kicking mode. She earns this spot with her resourcefulness and sheer determination to not suffer an agonizing death.

#4 - Buffy Summers


A history of saving the world is a requirement for this list, but being able to negotiate the myriad of emotional troubles that come with regular teenage/young adult life will bump you up on the list. For most people, those years are spent fighting metaphorical, internalized monsters. For Buffy, her demons were literal. That's right, while most of us were complaining about acne, cafeteria food, and that one girl in math class whom you try so hard to be friendly with but get nowhere because she inevitably resorts to telling stories about how much she loves her football player boyfriend and can't wait until her parents go out of town for a weekend, Buffy was spending her nights killing actual vampires (who did not sparkle).

Sure, she got a lot of help from Giles, Willow, Xander, and all the other people who wandered into her life. Imagine what she could do when paired with Sarah Connor (and the other people on this list). Saving the world is rarely a one-person job, although the remaining people on this list try very hard to do it that way. Buffy, however, brings her witty personality and awesome combat skills and is able to share them with the group. She's proven her ability to work with others and come out victorious--definitely something you want when the entire world is at stake.

#3 - Link


Sometimes, the world is threatened by forms of dark magic and evil power that modern heroes like Sarah and Buffy don't quite have the means to combat. That's why Link's here. That, and the fact that he has a weapon known as the Master Sword--shouldn't that basically guarantee victory? Link is a silent but strong warrior with tremendous endurance, fierce fighting abilities, and a variety of musical instruments that inevitably aid him in his quests. Let's face it, if you spend enough time trying to save the world, you'll probably want someone who can cheer you up with Greensleeves.

Along with his Master Sword, Link boasts an impressive arsenal of hammers, bows, and bombs, as well as special tunics that allow him to breathe underwater, making him one of the most versatile heroes around. He'll fight at the bottom of a lake, inside a volcano, or at the top of a tower. With an awesome history of slaying monsters many times his size, Link is qualified to take down just about any beast on his own. And please, leave Navi at home--we don't need an annoying fairy with ADD shouting at us every time she notices something.

#2 - James Bond


History of saving the world? Check. Classy wardrobe? Check. Dead shot and a penchant for uttering death quips? Check and mate. Bond has saved the world more than twenty times already from some of the most villainous (and elaborate) people on this planet. He has a good history of working with allies--Kerim Bey, Jack Wade, and Felix Leiter being the most notable--and also possesses the ability to make allies out of the villains' associates. I'm not exactly sure how much of an advantage we'd gain by pulling Brigitte Neilsen to our side but, hey--you never know.

One of 007's best qualifications is that he comes equipped with everything needed to save the world. A Walther PPK, laser watch, some kind of homing device, and keys to an Aston Martin (likely with ejector seat) are on his person at nearly all times. And in this time of crisis, Q is sure to be able to whip up something special to aid him in his mission. Mr. Bond, as his enemies like to refer to him, is extremely skilled at escaping tight situations, and fighting his way through absurd amounts of henchmen. When saving the world, these traits cannot be overvalued. Oh, but please don't hit on Buffy and Sarah. Please?

#1 - Batman


When all the factors are added up, Batman emerges on top for one reason: sheer awesomeness. And that is in no way meant to detract from the others on this list--he's just that good. Like Bond, he was orphaned at a young age. Like Sarah Connor, he began as an ordinary person. Like Link, he's kind of broody. And like Buffy, he has an old guy helping him out. He's basically all of the other heroes combined.

Batman has focused his entire life around fighting crime ever since his parents were murdered, giving him a focus and determination unmatched in any hero. A knowledge of psychology helps him fight his enemies in ways that are non-physical (but have no doubt he can win both kinds of battles). He also has virtually limitless financial resources, which means he can buy the rest of us the latest iPhones and gaming consoles. Batman has fought all variety of enemies, from the mostly brawny (Bane), to the more brainy (Hugo Strange), the manimalistic (Man-Bat), and the positively deranged (you know). His very presence is terrifying, to allies and enemies alike, and with good reason. Even without superpowers, Batman can beat the life out of anyone and make it look easy. Let's put it this way: when Superman needs to scare someone into a confession, he brings that person to Batman. He has the physical, technological, and psychological weapons needed to keep us all safe from diabolical destruction. Also: Batmobile.

Week of Top 5 - Day 4: Mentors

After Secretary O'Brien describes the members of MMM to me, President Colbert finally has time to explain the situation. "MMM are planning to take over the world with their villainous schemes, and we must stop them. This is America! It's written in the Constitution that the good guys have to win. That's where you come in." I ask what I could possibly do to save us from MMM. "Because of your deep knowledge of pop culture characters, you were deemed the best candidate for the job. For now, here's what you can do. We're looking for people to train and mentor our operatives. Who would you suggest we use?"

I ponder for a moment before formulating a strategy. Ultimately, I decide that the best course of action would be to choose people who could match the skills of MMM's members. That way, we would be better able to understand their tactics and counter their measures. I know, right? It is smart.

Top 5 - Miraculous Mentors

#5 - V (V for Vendetta)


I stated before that Norman Stansfield is batshit insane, which makes V a perfect Mentor match to counter his tactics. Some might think that an extremely collected, sane person would be the better choice because that person could construct logical defenses against Stansfield's methods. I, however, submit that the best way to fight crazy is with more crazy, citing The Silence of the Lambs as evidence. And V has plenty of crazy to go around.

The man speaks in alliterations and riddles. He quotes Macbeth while carving up fingermen. He steals butter from Supreme Chancellor Suttler. And he fights against the suit of armor in his own house. Actually, to me, that last item just makes him really cool--not crazy. While Stansfield's crazy is more erratic and drug-induced, V's is more of a derangement, caused by years of experimentation and mental anguish. He could teach us how to cage up our aggravation, eventually unleashing it upon our enemies in a frenzied attack. While quoting Shakespeare.

#4 - Morpheus (The Matrix)


Morpheus offers one particular advantage whose usefulness is not even approached by anyone else on this list. He can teach you anything. You want to learn Jiu-Jitsu? He'll teach you Jiu-Jitsu. You want to learn how to fly a helicopter? He'll teach you that too. You want to learn how to make little animals out of towels? Well...okay. But I'm not sure how that's really useful.

The day is saved?

Personally, I'd recommend him for training troops in hand-to-hand combat, where we can learn to do backflips, punch through walls, and do that little taunting wave that Morpheus likes so much. We're going to need it if we're fighting Ivan Drago. Morpheus is also a good teacher by nature, able to miraculously make Keanu Reeves convincing as a hero. Sure, he may try to push pills on us, but at this point, I think that's a minor consideration.

#3 - Dr. Horrible


I can sense your shock and surprise through the interwebs, but hey--no one said this list had to be made up of good guys. Dr. Horrible Ph.D may technically be a villain, but he's also extremely smart. He can teach us how to use all kinds of nifty items like a remote-control car, a ray gun that freezes someone in time, and another kind of gun that kills people! Well...okay, maybe that last one is a bit unnecessary.

Still, resourcefulness in the field is of the utmost importance. Just ask MacGyver. Scaramanga is certainly technologically clever in his own right, making a gun out of pieces of various items laying around his desk; we're going to have to be just as clever to stop him. Dr. Horrible is also included for morale reasons. Sometimes, when fighting against the forces of evil, things can get downright depressing. Your best efforts may fail, friends die in front of you, and the food is really sub-par. Dr. Horrible can teach us to channel those emotions through song (e.g. "I Really Wish We Had a Shower on the Front Lines").

#2 - Obi-Wan Kenobi


All things considered, there's really only one hope for having even the tiniest chance to defeat a Jedi. And that's another Jedi. Without at least partial competency with lightsabers and the Force, you're essentially doomed. I chose Obi-Wan over the favorite, Yoda, mostly as a time consideration. The world is about to end--we don't have time to chase a little green dude through a swamp after he steals our flashlights!

One thing does concern me about Obi-Wan: his lightsaber skills are a bit inconsistent. Sure, he killed Darth Maul at a young age, but then he seemed to lose every lightsaber battle for the next couple decades, until he faced off against General Grievous, at which point he apparently remembered that he used to be good at the whole fighting-bad-guys thing. Offsetting this, though, is the fact that he was also the mentor of the young (angsty) Darth Vader--so Obi-Wan should be able to tell us a lot of inside info to give us some kind of advantage. ("Vader's weakness is frogs!")

#1 - Sherlock Holmes


Riddler is an evil genius. Holmes is a non-evil genius. It's a match made in heaven. Perhaps the most observant person to ever have lived, Holmes could help train our troops to notice every minute detail that crosses our path, at which point we would be able to track down the members of MMM, and hopefully catch them in a vulnerable position (like when they're baking).


If that isn't enough for you (and it should be), how about the fact that Holmes is a master fencer and bareknuckle boxer. Yeah, that's right, smart people can kick ass. In fact, if all policemen were trained to even one-tenth of his abilities, crime would be virtually nonexistent. Sure, he may have a bit of a coke habit, but its' really only when he's bored. Holmes could aid the good guys in: our deduction skills, boxing and fencing abilities, disguises, identifying dirt and tobacco, not being oblivious, and having enemies with awesome names. Oh, and unbending steel rods. Badass.

Week of Top 5 - Day 3: Villains

Every great hero needs a great villain. Why? Because if the villain is just a weak, simplistic nerd-boy, then the hero ends up looking more like a bully than a hero. For example, the kid who used to take my lunch money every day in 3rd grade and then proceeded to laugh at me while he scarfed down his strawberry ice cream bars was, to me, the manifestation of pure evil. But to Superman, he would be little more than a bothersome insect. (As I am not Superman, he will always remain the incarnation of everything that's wrong in this corrupt world of ours. [Sidenote: Just you wait, Eric. Your day will come.])

So, in continuation of this week's story arc, I decided to collect the five evil-doers who would comprise my own Legion of Doom, revisiting all my favorite baddies from literature, video games, comics, and movies. Mostly the movies; somehow, characters like Bowser and Dr. Octopus just didn't seem to fit.


In the White House, we feel some of the tension fade now that we know the zombies are on their way to eradication. But we are not safe yet. "This must be a distraction," come the wise words of President Colbert. "The zombies were released to take our minds off the real villains." I ask who the "real" villains are. Secretary O'Brien looks at me and asks, "What person looks like he would be behind this all?" I see what he's saying, nodding as I respond: Vince, the Sham-Wow guy. "True." he replies. "But surprisingly, he has nothing to do with this. The real culprits are an organization known as MMM" (pronounced either "Em-em-em" or "Emanemanem").

Top 5 Masters of Mayhem and Malevolence

#5 - Norman Stansfield (Leon: The Professional)


Stansfield is a villain who's easy to hate. He's also batshit insane. But he's crazy in a very realistic way, which has made me terrified of DEA agents. And pill-poppers. And Beethoven. Hence his inclusion on this list: so many things made frightening by a single man! Sometimes I can't sleep at night because the sound of Stansfield roaring "EV-ERY-ONE!" is echoing in my ears.

He may be at the bottom of the list, but that position is similar to winning the bronze at the Olympics: you might not be the best in the world, but you're still better than basically every human being alive. Stansfield would make an excellent field organizer in MMM, rounding up the less-intelligent goons and scaring them into better job execution. And if he needed to get his hands dirty, you already know he's perfectly capable of shooting a man, or a child, or an old lady in the hallway. Just one pill-induced spasm, and he's ready to go.

#4 - Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)


If this were a list of most terrifying people in real life, Dolph Lundgren would walk away with the top spot, due to his sheer size, genius IQ, and the fact that burglars will flee a home when they realize it belongs to him. Drago, for the purposes of this list, is just a colder, less intelligent Lundgren. He literally murders people in the ring, and doesn't show a flicker of remorse. It is Drago's presence alone that makes viewers forget that Rocky IV also features a talking robot. Who bakes cakes. And dances. Yep.

Like Stansfield, Ivan Drago's very presence can be used as a threat looming over henchmen to limit their (probably overwhelming) inadequacy. On top of that, he could be useful creating everyone's workout routines, flexing his muscles, and threatening to break things. He's also great at beating people to death--when MMM needs above-average damage to be dealt, Drago's their guy. His spiky hair could even be used to impale unsuspecting victims. When all the factors are added up, there aren't many people I'd favor over Drago in the ring or on the battlefield.


#3 - Francisco Scaramanga (The Man With the Golden Gun)


The Man With the Golden Gun may be one of the worst Bond movies ever made, but the man himself deserves much more credit. Scaramanga is the world's greatest assasin, capable of commanding a price of $1 million a hit (and that's back in 1974, mind you--over $4 million today). He was so confident in his abilities that he thought 007 to be the only possible worthy adversary. Any person who can't find somebody less skilled than James Bond to fight is either delusional or extremely talented. Scaramanga is both.

Scaramanga's presence would bolster MMM's ability to strike from the shadows, able to kill while remaining unseen. No one is ever truly safe when an assassin of his calibre is floating around. His golden gun would also bring some much-needed flair to the organization, which, I'd imagine, would be otherwise drab. Most importantly, he could work with the henchmen to improve their overall accuracy statistic of approximately 0.01%. Scaramanga may not be calling the shots, but he would certainly be taking them, with lethal results.

#2 - Darth Vader (Star Wars)


At this point, I'm not sure there's anything that hasn't been said about Vader's looming presence, awesome power, and general badassery. The Sith Lord stands tall and terrifying in a way that makes Ivan Drago look kind of cuddly in comparison. Oh, what, the harsh helmet, all-black, and flowing cape weren't enough for you? How about that blood-red lightsaber? A menacing voice doesn't hurt either, nor does the fact that he can kill you without any weapons. He also chopped off his own son's hand, making Vader the embodiment of everything evil.

Except one: actually staying evil. That's about the only thing keeping him from the #1 position. Because, while evil Vader is supremely evil, non-evil Vader is just kind of old and crusty. And you can't run MMM if there's even a slight chance that you might end up saying "Just kidding, guys. I love the effort here, but I'm actually leaving to spend some time with my kids." So long as that never happens, though, Vader would be great for the organization, working alongside the #1 (unlike his frustratingly subservient position under Palpatine). He'd be particularly talented at: making threats, brooding, killing inadequate underlings, and getting the remote when no one feels like getting off the MMM couch. But don't you dare change that channel, or you'll end up on the floor with a crushed trachea.

#1 - The Riddler (Batman comics)


Before you cry that Riddler is not as threatening as Vader, as powerful as Drago, or nearly as villainous as the Joker's recent incarnations, I'd like to say a few words. You're right. All of those statements may be true, but that's not why Riddler's running the show. Riddler may very well be the least lethal villain of all time, but he possesses just the obsessively brilliant mind necessary for this job. Scaramanga is preoccupied with finding a challenging target, and Stansfield's too busy popping pills to be useful as the head of MMM. Riddler, though, wants to see how much he can achieve--he's ambitious. And while his propensity to leave clues at his crimes may often be his downfall, that would be less of an issue in such an organization.

Riddler sits atop of MMM, analyzing resources and determining just how much damage they can do. Bloodshed may not be the end result, but who says killing is the biggest act of villainy? Imagine the anguish of millions when presented with Sudoku puzzles that, unknown to them, have no solution! What best qualifies him, though, is that he can't be bought off--not for any amount of money. What do you call a villain who acts only for the challenge, for the ability to prove what he's capable of? Answer: Riddler!

Week of Top 5 - Day 2: Zombie Slayers

Upon arriving at the White House, my bodyguards take me directly to President Colbert. I thank him for ensuring I had a safe trip. "Don't mention it," he tells me. "Seriously. Time is short. Now, I brought you here because--". But before he can finish, Secretary of Defense Conan O'Brien busts into the office in a panic. "Mr. President, the entire country has just been invaded by the worst thing imaginable!" I watch President Colbert turn pale before shouting, "Bears! Oh no!" "Not bears," says Secretary O'Brien. "Zombies!"

"Well that's a relief," the President sighs. "But we still need to stop the zombies! Otherwise they'll never stop stumbling around, eating people, and crowding up supermarkets!" I feel the eyes of the room shift to me. President Colbert's expression is grave. "Those zombies need to die," he says. "Who should I send in?"

Top 5 - Zombie Slayers

#5 - Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers


The Rangers are my first answer without a moment's hesitation. A couple of factors contribute to their inclusion. For starters, they're a team. That automatically increases their zombie-killing potential. Also, they have Zords. Dino-Zords, to be specific, which means they're also gigantic. If traditional methods of zombie disposal prove ineffective, the Rangers can just jump in the Zords and trample them to (re)death. The last reason is explicitly stated in the theme song: "No one...can ever take them down! (The power lies on their si-yi-yi-yi-yi-yide!)"

#4 - Ellen Ripley


Some people consider zombies the ultimate enemy, since you can't technically kill what's already dead. Those people misunderstand the meaning of undead. I would call them unintelligent (and they'd probably take it as a compliment). The true ultimate enemy is actually the Xenomorph from the Alien series. Anything with corrosive acid for blood can't be very easily to kill. Unless you're Ellen Ripley. So, compared to the Xenomorphs, zombies must be incredibly easy targets. And Ripley will tear through them with all kinds of futuristic weaponry, clearing the path for human survivors. And cats.

#3 - Master Chief


One simple way to get onto this list is just to have a history of killing absurd amounts of living creatures. Chief has done just that, shooting his way through what analysts have estimated to be around five gazillion enemies during his lifetime. Let's face it, this Spartan essentially saved the entire Earth and all of it's space colonies single-handedly. (Okay, maybe Sergeant Johnson and the Arbiter helped a little bit, but Chief did all the heavy lifting.) And the parasitic Flood had the capability of reanimating corpses, turning fallen comrades into what were basically zombies, so I consider Master Chief to have actual zombie-killing experience. Which is always a plus. Besides, just look at how epic that image is!

#2 - John Matrix


Speaking of absurd amounts of killing.... More people are killed by John Matrix's bullets in ten minutes than were killed in many minor wars. Actually, Matrix's rampage is, itself, a minor war, complete with ammo belts, grenades, and rocket launchers (see above). (Sidenote: Notice that Matrix's picture had to be at least twice the size of everyone else's to accommodate the extra manliness.) He is, quite simply, a killing machine. Perhaps literally--he doesn't emote very well. And if he can tear through that many (semi-)intelligent humans, he should make short work of bumbling zombies. He can also use his artistic camouflage techniques to hide from the zombies, boost his ego, and add definition to his muscles. Perhaps his best attribute, though, is the fact that he eats big, hearty breakfasts--often consisting of Green Berets.

#1 - Jill Valentine


John Matrix and Master Chief might have the military history and kill count I'm looking for in potential zombie killers, but no one--no one--has the zombie slaying record of Jill Valentine. My personal bodyguard Leon Kennedy comes close, but he's busy making sure I stay alive. And there's one thing that gives Jill an edge over all her Resident Evil counterparts. (No, it's not a second X-chromosome.) Jill has the distinction of surviving after being chased through a city by Nemesis--who is basically a combination of the Boogey Man, a zombie, and your worst nightmare.

Pictured: Not Nemesis. But still terrifying.

To me, this makes her the most qualified zombie slayer imaginable. She can kill them in a house; she can kill them in the street. She can kill them day or night; just shoot, reload, repeat. Jill is to killing zombies what Sam-I-Am is to eating--she'll do it any time, anywhere. Give her a knife, a Beretta, and a 12-gauge, and the zombies will be the ones fleeing in terror. Well...shuffling, anyway.

Week of Top 5 - Day 1: Bodyguards

This week I'll be featuring five whole days of Top 5 lists. That's right, a whole workweek full of your favorite easily-digestible post format! Each list will factor into my attempt at making the biggest, most epic, and facebook-friendly story arc ever conceived. All will contain some of my favorite fictional characters from movies, novels, television, comics, and video games thrown into one (awesome) universe. So move over, Lord of the Rings. Sit back, Star Wars. Give the teenage angst a break, Harry, because the new chapter in great story ideas starts now.


Background: I'm sitting in my apartment one day, watching the escapades of Horatio and Loretta, when my phone rings. I answer it. "Hello," a voice tells me. "This is the President of the United States." I can't believe it! Steven T. Colbert is calling me from the Oval office! He briefly explains the situation. "The world is in trouble, and we need you to help save it. There's no time to explain, now--bad guys are already on their way to kill you! I'm deploying a team of five bodyguards for your extraction. Who should I send?"

Can I choose anyone? "Anyone," he assures me. "Just say the name and they'll be on their way." I take a moment to think. There are a lot of badasses, but who would I want walking around with me, protecting me from harm? I analyze my options, watch Horatio's confession, and then turn back to the phone. "Okay, Mr. President. Here's who I want."

Top 5 - Personal Bodyguards

#5 - Leeloo (The Fifth Element)


This seems like a pretty obvious choice, doesn't it? Leeloo is, literally, the perfect being. She's also got awesomely orange hair. And she speaks the Divine Language, which apparently includes the words "bada-boom!" Leeloo could protect me from a variety of bad guys, including both humans and aliens. Her bright hair could be used as a distraction to allow me to escape dangerous situations. Better yet, she has a multi-pass! I'd definitely feel safe having her around.

#4 - Léon (Léon: The Professional)


Okay, so this is a Luc Besson-friendly list. But come on, Léon is one of the best assassins out there and would be great for this position. He's proficient with all types of weaponry, has clever moments, can take people out before they even know he's there, and is a generally likable guy. I wouldn't even mind if he brought Mathilda along--she's badass enough to get the job done. What I admire most, though, is Léon's capacity to put other people first. If I'm picking bodyguards, I don't want someone who's going to run out on me just because he's scared for his own life. And, who knows, maybe he would let me use the paintball sniper rifle!

#3 - Mireille Bouquet (Noir)


First of all, 1,000,000 bonus points to you if you know who Ms. Bouquet is. For those of you who don't: Mireille is a top-tier assassin, working under the codename Noir. People tend to underestimate her because she's an attractive young woman with blonde hair and a sweet smile. Those people die. Mireille is highly intelligent, able to put together plans for jobs that other assassins deemed impossible. She also knows how to get out of a tight situation, which is the main reason for her inclusion on this list. When working with her occasional partner Kirika Yumura, she's essentially unstoppable. Under Mireille's protection, there isn't much for me to be afraid of.

#2 - Caroline/Echo (Dollhouse)


I'm assuming that Topher could imprint Echo with some sort of super-bodyguard personality that makes her highly capable of taking out anyone who doesn't have my best interest in mind. But even if that weren't possible, I'd still be plenty happy with her personality in episode 9, as someone who excels at finding and catching spies. Hell, I'd even be happy with just Caroline, before she becomes programmable--based on the few moments of pre-Echo Caroline that the show's given us, she seems to have plenty of intelligence, audacity, and good-looks. But a super-bodyguard imprint wouldn't be bad either.

#1 - Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 2 + 4)


Leon (which is apparently the name your parents give you when you're destined to be a badass) makes the top of this list just for his history. First, there's the whole surviving-a-city-full-of-zombies event. And later, when the President's daughter (not President Colbert's daughter, though) was kidnapped, Leon tracked her down across Europe, eventually fighting his way through a village, castle, and armored island, all full of monsters. Really, really big monsters.


Leeloo, Léon, Mireille, and Echo would all do an amazing job at protecting me from regular henchmen, and even above-average assassins. But I'm not sure any of them have the sheer protective ability shown by Mr. Kennedy. He shielded Ashley from irate villagers, chainsaw-wielding maniacs, and whatever that thing is in the picture above. He's highly proficient in weapon handling, martial arts, and exuding coolness. Best of all: he carries a rocket launcher. Game over, bad guys.