Save Yourselves!

No one needs to be told that times are tough right now. But people do need to be told about imminent threats to the existence of humanity. Now, I know which threats you're probably most worried about: global warming, the Mayan apocalypse, a third Transformers movie. You, however, are wrong.

I'll admit, I wasn't even aware that there was a problem until someone told me. Earlier this week a man came to my door and handed me this flyer:

Apparently, the answer is in Reading, PA.

True story. I'll admit, at first, I wasn't really worried. The people in the picture didn't look very concerned about the chaotic destruction spreading across their gated communities. When I took a closer look, however, I noticed one little detail that told me there was trouble. On the bottom half of the flyer, it mentions that "Admission is free." There's only one reason that people would not charge admission to a session on how to survive the apocalypse: because it's actually coming--and they don't want to be stuck alone with their annoying neighbors!

So, I started to do some research. I typed "apocalypse threats" into google to see what was going on. The very first hit brought me to this website, detailing the four possible catastrophic events that could happen on earth. Unfortunately, there were two obvious problems. These were only catastrophic events, not apocalyptic ones--that's like ordering a triple bacon cheeseburger and only getting a single patty, with pickles. And no cheese! Not the same thing. Not even close. The second problem was that these were events that had happened in the past. We already know about that--it's entirely unhelpful!

Strangely, 80s fashion was not one of the four.

The second hit, though, was about the zombie apocalypse. That sounded more like it! At that point, I decided to change websites, and do some searching on youtube. I typed 'zombie' into the searchbar, and pressed enter, anxiously awaiting the results. And there, on the very first page, was what I had feared most.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the number-one threat to all of humanity: Zombie Snails.

Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach, or are easily frightened, you are advised to look away now. Seriously. Don't look.



Holy shit! They're real! And absolutely terrifying! If the zombification of a snail wasn't inherently fear-inducing, check out the maggot-antennae wriggling on top of its head like a multi-colored jester hat of terror! But, as horrific as the thing looks, the image isn't nearly as disturbing as the actions of the snail--or, should I say, the actions of the mind-controlling parasites! How is it even possible for creatures that tiny to be able to make other, much larger creatures, do their bidding? I don't know. And, defying both logic and any remaining hope for the belief that good exists on our planet, the immediacy of this threat gets worse. This video shows brainwashed ants unknowingly sacrifice themselves to cows after eating the slime of--wait for it--snails!

My initial frenzied panick was briefly offset when I remembered that an internet quiz had once told me I had a 98% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse. I began to gently replace the stuffing I had chewed out of my pillow when I was hit by a devastating realization. That quiz was for human zombies. These are...snail zombies! The normal methods, weapons, and tactics will be completely useless! Oh the maleficence! What could be worse? Zombie kittens?

The next step in zombie evolution?

No one knows where or when zombie snails will strike first. The truth is that the world is tragically unprepared for their attack. Stock up now on essential items: water, food--especially salt, and fully-automatic assault rifles. (I've heard Eastcoast Firearms is having a sale on AK-47s.) I cannot tell you how things will end. I can only hope that our (surviving) children will live in a world where they will never know the pants-crapping horror of zombie snails.

Dedicated to Your Self-Improvement Part II

Earlier this week I gave you two of the four pop-culture related ways to stay ahead of the game and avoid burying yourself under crippling amounts of shame and guilt. This week, I’m giving you two more methods, which focus more around detecting bad situations to avoid them, and exiting before something really bad happens. These methods are more formulaic, so I’ll be providing the steps of each one, rather than sample situations. And without further ado, here are methods three and four:

3) Double-Oh-No: How James Bond Would Handle an Emergency – Most of you are probably at least vaguely familiar with the James Bond movie franchise--if not, you probably should stop checking this blog, as you’ll miss somewhere between 10 -90% of the references I throw in. Somehow, 007 finds himself in worse situations than most people can imagine. (When was the last time you were strapped down to a table, with a laser beam slowly working its way toward your crotch? Yeah, that’s what I thought.) But, invariably, he manages to work his way out of them, and end the night with a leggy sex kitten. (Note: I can only help you with the first of those results, the second is up to you.)

Bond's worst nemesis ever? The producers of Die Another Day.

The formula: Immediately upon detecting danger (if you’ve said “oh no” twice within one hour, you’re in danger), make a witty comment. Then, run around just about anywhere as the danger repeatedly misses you by a narrow margin. Continue this until satisfied. Then follow one of two options: either use your watch gadgets to make an impressive escape, or pull out your Walther PPK and enjoy perfect accuracy as danger continues to miss you. After the escape, decide whether another witty remark would be appropriate or excessive. (Generally, you should err on the side of excess.) Good job!

4) I’ve Made a Huge Mistake Factor (IMHM Factor) – People make mistakes. Some people make a lot of mistakes, and others even make a career out of it. But many of them can be avoided. The IMHM Factor can help you steer clear of the biggest mistakes, like the ones made by Gob Bluth, of the criminally short-lived TV series Arrested Development. He was a man willing to openly admit his mistakes. To himself. With this formula, hopefully you won't have to!

Don’t let this be you.

The formula: Before engaging in a potentially risky behavior, calculate the IMHM factor. First, add up or estimate the number of times you’ve uttered the phrase “I’ve made a huge mistake” in the past year. (Exclude obvious dates like St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, and any celebrations after winning a major sports title.) Then, add up the Danger Points. (Examples of factors that add Danger Points: speeds over 80 M.P.H, angry-looking men over 6’3” or 300 lbs, explosives, pythons, etc.) Now, multiply the total danger points by the number of times that similar situations resulted in the IMHM phrase; then just divide that by the calculated or estimated total utterances. This gives you the percentage likelihood of saying “I’ve made a huge mistake” in the near future.

Also a mistake—wearing spaghetti straps with his shoulders.

(Okay, I’ve decided to be extra-nice and give you an example for this one. Let’s say a large biker comes up to you as you’re leaving your house, and says he needs to transport a package to a nearby city within a half an hour. You agree ask what’s in the package. He says pythons and dynamite. So, you have 4 danger points, multiplied by the sixty-ish times that large men, pythons, and dynamite have already made you say IMHM. Assuming the base rate of 50 IMHMs in the past year, that gives you a…oh. Well, almost a 5000% likelihood. Yeah, definitely don’t do that.)

There you have it, readers: four fun ways to stave off embarrassment in your daily lives. Remember that any one method might not be right for everybody. Maybe you can’t pull off Jim’s facial expressions, or perhaps you’re just really bad at math. Feel free to mix and match as they suit you. Good luck everybody!

Dedicated to Your Self-Improvment Part I

Edit: Now with pictures!

Here at Poposophical, I’m dedicated to helping you readers keep your lives on track at all times. Now, I know that there are all kinds of companies, products, and personalities that promise you that very same thing. But they’re either being indicted for perjury, sued for false advertising, or are short, annoying men who yell at you incessantly. And, really, who wants that? Various nonprofit organizations also claim to have the goal of helping you overcome obstacles. But maybe twelve steps is just too many for you to remember.

No need to worry—you have me. I realize that most of you might be skeptical about finding useful information on the internet. But don’t let a few idiots on yahoo answers keep you from self-improvement. I’ve come up with four simple, easy-to-remember ways to help you avoid destroying your life beyond all hope. And the best part: they all relate to a popular movie or TV series! I’ll give you the first two today, and the rest soon. You’re probably anxious, so I’ll just jump right into them:

1) WWJD: What would Jim Do? – Jim Halpert is a moral exemplar if I ever saw one. He always knows the right thing to do, whether it’s lending a shoulder to sleep on, pranking a co-worker, or repeatedly flirting with the engaged receptionist. Okay, maybe that last one’s iffy. But still! Jim’s actions can help us all: any time you find yourself in a strange or awkward situation, just ask yourself, “What would Jim do?” Then simply do that thing.

The first thing Jim would do.

Sample situation: Perhaps you’re at the library checking out a book when you noticed that you’re the one being checked out—by the receptionist! Now what do you do? Easy: just remember to ask yourself “What would Jim do?” First, turn to a non-existent camera and raise your eyebrows to acknowledge the situation. Then, lean forward on the desk. Make humorous small talk about the book you’re getting (“Someone already checked out Pride and Prejudice, so I decided to get the sequel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”) Congratulations! You’re on your way to a new ambiguous relationship!

2) BSPA: Barney Stinson Plan of Action – Maybe you have difficulty improvising during problematic situations. This is the method for you. Barney Stinson—suit connoisseur and master analyst of social interactions—has a plan for every occasion. He never enters any situation without knowing exactly what he wants (usually a woman) and how to get it (often involving an elaborate lie). You can do the same! Before doing anything—going to a party, driving to work, showering in the morning, etc.—just write down your goal and draw up a list of possible outcomes and corresponding plans of actions.

Barney Stinson: the man of action.

Sample situation: Let’s say you’re about to go on a first date with that receptionist. Make sure you have Barney’s three essentials: well-tailored suit, prophylactic, and lemon-law card. (For more information about the lemon-law of dating, see The Bro Code, by Barney Stinson.) Don’t forget to review the hot-crazy scale (Ibid.) before leaving, and have a variety of excuses ready if you miss the five-minute frame for the lemon law. Bring a camera for scrapbooking in case things go well, and you’ll be set! Go out ready to enjoy your date!

Top 5 Carlin Routines

Periodically, Poposophical will feature Top 5 lists. A brief disclaimer before the first: These lists will be a compilation of my own, personal, nobody-else-implied, favorite things from a given category. They in no way represent—or even attempt to do so—an obvjective “Best of” for anything. Why? Because there is no such thing. There is no way to come up with a definitive list (no matter how large or small) of the best movies, albums, TV shows, etc. People will assign their own values to those categories, so what one guy thinks is good will undoubtedly be seen as base and repulsive by his mother-in-law. (This has been scientifically proven.) And because of that no one can truthfully say that “These three Jesus-in-toast images are the best there are,” or any similar such statement. If you disagree, I welcome you to go elsewhere and have a bunch of pretentious “experts” explain what you should think is good. That said, let’s move on.

George Carlin is the subject for the very first Top 5 here because I feel he greatly represents much of what this blog stands for. Aside from being equitably offensive and absolutely hilarious, George Carlin was a great thinker who took everyday occurrences and asked, “Why the hell are things like this?” These videos will, I hope, do justice to his brilliant mind. Here’s my Top 5 George Carlin Stand-up Routines:

#5 – Little Things We Share (1992)



The brilliance: All of us have experienced every single one of these things. It’s Carlin’s presentation that really sells it, but you can tell that the audience knows exactly what he’s talking about—they laugh at the set-ups! We all laugh because we’ve had these same experiences, but never talk about them. Until now.

Best part: The mystery of the moving pillow. I, personally, have been investigating this mystery since about the age of four. What makes this one so good is that everyone thinks it’s too stupid to talk about—we realize why it happens by the time we’re ten—but we’re still fascinated by it. “Holy shit, Dave!”

# 4 – Airline Announcements (1992)



The brilliance: This segment, from the same special, focuses a lot on language—particularly, how people abuse it. This is all ridiculous, and Carlin shows us exactly why by replacing the excessive phrases (“In the unlikely event of a drop in cabin pressure…”) with the blunt truth (“Roof flies off!”).

Best part: The seat belt section of the safety lecture, for obvious reasons. The patent for seat belts was given in 1885. I think a hundred and twenty-plus years is a long enough time for us to have figured them out.

#3 – Stuff (1986)



The brilliance: In five minutes, George Carlin produces the funniest social commentary ever. He’s talking about consumerism—defining ourselves by what we have—but he’s calling it “stuff”. Simple. Direct. And, honestly, “stuff” is just a funny word. Especially when it’s repeated.

Best part: Shit versus stuff. No one has ever said, “Let me move my shit.” Why? Because it’s always your shit, not mine!

#2 – A Modern Man (2005)



The brilliance: I challenge you to memorize this routine. Now perform it without slipping up. Done that? Okay, now do it at the age of 68, which is how old Carlin was when this special was aired on HBO. And the most impressive part might not be his performance, but the ability to collect all these terms and organize them so beautifully.

Best part: The whole thing. Seriously.

#1 – Seven Words (1978)





The brilliance: Okay, you knew this was coming. This routine’s been talked about so much, there really isn’t much left to say about it. It’s insightful. It’s playful. It’s classic, funny, dirty, and still mostly true. Although I am amused by thinking about a time when farts weren’t even referred to on television.

Best part: The twisted meaning of “cocksucker”. How did they do that?