Flashy? Synthetic? Totally Rad?Hollywood has been using movie remakes as its main source of fuel for a while now. But for whatever reason (laziness? nostalgia? MDMA?), spring and summer releases are especially stacked with movies variously related to the 80s. Let's look into the future to see just how badly movies studios are attached to the past. Just, try to not make out with your parents.
The only thing creepier than incest is sci-fi incest.First up for April is Warner Brothers' "also in 2D" film, Clash of the Titans. For those of you whose parents weren't that into claymation, this is actually a remake of a film from 1981 that starred Hamlet as Zeus, Professor McGonagall as Thetis, and Honey Ryder as Aphrodite. Oh, and Mick from Rocky's in there too. If you ask me, that's already one of the best casts of all time, and I don't see any reason for this film to be remade. However, the trailers place my expectations firmly in the Awesomely Ridiculous category, below Just Awesome and Ridiculously Awesome, but above Just Ridiculous. I'm glad Warner Bros. decided to repeat casting a former Bond Girl, and having Liam Neeson has never hurt a movie's chances (cf. Taken).
[Edit: The remake also stars Bond alumnus Mads Mikkelsen as soldier who doesn't weep blood.]
At the other end of the month is the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street (the original is from 1984). Again, good casting may save this film, as Jackie Earle Haley definitely has the skill to make this a great creep-fest.
Look how hideous! I can't imagine ever wearing that sweater!Whether or not the production holds up around him is much less certain. But, thanks to KMDb herself, I can provide the fact that Haley himself auditioned for the original. He didn't get the part, but his totally unknown friend ended up getting cast. The friend? Some Johnny No-name. Who went by Johnny Depp.
The next weekend is the release of Iron Man 2. That has no relevance to the rest of this post, but I mention Robert Downey Jr. whenever I damn well feel like it!
A little later comes MacGruber. The connection here should be pretty obvious, if a bit indirect. The source of the parody was a show about a guy with a mullet who was very good with tools in sticky situations, making it the most commercially successful porn series of all time.
"I'm well equipped, with extra thrust power. And I have a rocket."One week later we've got the new movie Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, based on a video game series that began in 1989. The film looks like it has a decent chance at the title of Best Video Game Movie, which is kind of like winning an award for Best SciFi Channel Original Movie. True, Jake Gyllenhaal looks about as Persian as his name sounds. But just like the Titans remake, this movie also makes use of casting Gemma Arterton, which automatically wins it some points. Mike Newell is directing, and he's had plenty of action experience with one Harry Potter film and, er...Mona Lisa Smile.
June 11th serves up a double-fisted punch of tragedy in the form of an A-Team movie and Will Smith's bastard Karate Kid. The former foolishly tries to cast someone other than Mr. T in a Mr. T role, and the latter does the same by replacing Pat Morita with Jackie Chan. The A-Team movie will have to rely on the magical powers of Liam Neeson, while everyone involved with the new Karate Kid had better hope the ghost of Mr. Miyagi doesn't come back and crane-kick them into oblivion.
Wax off, bitch.Four excruciatingly long weeks later, we have Predators, a sequel to the 1987 movie starring 80s staples Arnold Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers. The film improbably casts Adrien Brody and Topher Grace in what the public can only expect are action roles. Laurence Fishburne and Danny Trejo should be able to hold their own, but the cast will severely miss the presence of
Speaking of 80s staples, the definitive return to the polyester age comes in the form of The Expendables. The film is written and directed by, and also stars Sly himself. Just try and fathom the awesomeness of this (partial) cast: Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Trejo, Mickey Rourke, and the scariest man on earth, Dolph "I Must Break You" Lundgren (plus some wrestlers, Jet Li, Jason Statham, and Cordelia from Buffy). I have nothing else to say about it; this is clearly going to be the greatest film since Commando.
It's basically Rambo Balboa versus John McClane versus the Terminator versus Machete versus Dolph Lundgren. Holy shit that sounds awesome.
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