So, in continuation of this week's story arc, I decided to collect the five evil-doers who would comprise my own Legion of Doom, revisiting all my favorite baddies from literature, video games, comics, and movies. Mostly the movies; somehow, characters like Bowser and Dr. Octopus just didn't seem to fit.
In the White House, we feel some of the tension fade now that we know the zombies are on their way to eradication. But we are not safe yet. "This must be a distraction," come the wise words of President Colbert. "The zombies were released to take our minds off the real villains." I ask who the "real" villains are. Secretary O'Brien looks at me and asks, "What person looks like he would be behind this all?" I see what he's saying, nodding as I respond: Vince, the Sham-Wow guy. "True." he replies. "But surprisingly, he has nothing to do with this. The real culprits are an organization known as MMM" (pronounced either "Em-em-em" or "Emanemanem").
Top 5 Masters of Mayhem and Malevolence
#5 - Norman Stansfield (Leon: The Professional)
Stansfield is a villain who's easy to hate. He's also batshit insane. But he's crazy in a very realistic way, which has made me terrified of DEA agents. And pill-poppers. And Beethoven. Hence his inclusion on this list: so many things made frightening by a single man! Sometimes I can't sleep at night because the sound of Stansfield roaring "EV-ERY-ONE!" is echoing in my ears.
He may be at the bottom of the list, but that position is similar to winning the bronze at the Olympics: you might not be the best in the world, but you're still better than basically every human being alive. Stansfield would make an excellent field organizer in MMM, rounding up the less-intelligent goons and scaring them into better job execution. And if he needed to get his hands dirty, you already know he's perfectly capable of shooting a man, or a child, or an old lady in the hallway. Just one pill-induced spasm, and he's ready to go.
#4 - Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
If this were a list of most terrifying people in real life, Dolph Lundgren would walk away with the top spot, due to his sheer size, genius IQ, and the fact that burglars will flee a home when they realize it belongs to him. Drago, for the purposes of this list, is just a colder, less intelligent Lundgren. He literally murders people in the ring, and doesn't show a flicker of remorse. It is Drago's presence alone that makes viewers forget that Rocky IV also features a talking robot. Who bakes cakes. And dances. Yep.
Like Stansfield, Ivan Drago's very presence can be used as a threat looming over henchmen to limit their (probably overwhelming) inadequacy. On top of that, he could be useful creating everyone's workout routines, flexing his muscles, and threatening to break things. He's also great at beating people to death--when MMM needs above-average damage to be dealt, Drago's their guy. His spiky hair could even be used to impale unsuspecting victims. When all the factors are added up, there aren't many people I'd favor over Drago in the ring or on the battlefield.
#3 - Francisco Scaramanga (The Man With the Golden Gun)
The Man With the Golden Gun may be one of the worst Bond movies ever made, but the man himself deserves much more credit. Scaramanga is the world's greatest assasin, capable of commanding a price of $1 million a hit (and that's back in 1974, mind you--over $4 million today). He was so confident in his abilities that he thought 007 to be the only possible worthy adversary. Any person who can't find somebody less skilled than James Bond to fight is either delusional or extremely talented. Scaramanga is both.
Scaramanga's presence would bolster MMM's ability to strike from the shadows, able to kill while remaining unseen. No one is ever truly safe when an assassin of his calibre is floating around. His golden gun would also bring some much-needed flair to the organization, which, I'd imagine, would be otherwise drab. Most importantly, he could work with the henchmen to improve their overall accuracy statistic of approximately 0.01%. Scaramanga may not be calling the shots, but he would certainly be taking them, with lethal results.
#2 - Darth Vader (Star Wars)
At this point, I'm not sure there's anything that hasn't been said about Vader's looming presence, awesome power, and general badassery. The Sith Lord stands tall and terrifying in a way that makes Ivan Drago look kind of cuddly in comparison. Oh, what, the harsh helmet, all-black, and flowing cape weren't enough for you? How about that blood-red lightsaber? A menacing voice doesn't hurt either, nor does the fact that he can kill you without any weapons. He also chopped off his own son's hand, making Vader the embodiment of everything evil.
Except one: actually staying evil. That's about the only thing keeping him from the #1 position. Because, while evil Vader is supremely evil, non-evil Vader is just kind of old and crusty. And you can't run MMM if there's even a slight chance that you might end up saying "Just kidding, guys. I love the effort here, but I'm actually leaving to spend some time with my kids." So long as that never happens, though, Vader would be great for the organization, working alongside the #1 (unlike his frustratingly subservient position under Palpatine). He'd be particularly talented at: making threats, brooding, killing inadequate underlings, and getting the remote when no one feels like getting off the MMM couch. But don't you dare change that channel, or you'll end up on the floor with a crushed trachea.
#1 - The Riddler (Batman comics)
Before you cry that Riddler is not as threatening as Vader, as powerful as Drago, or nearly as villainous as the Joker's recent incarnations, I'd like to say a few words. You're right. All of those statements may be true, but that's not why Riddler's running the show. Riddler may very well be the least lethal villain of all time, but he possesses just the obsessively brilliant mind necessary for this job. Scaramanga is preoccupied with finding a challenging target, and Stansfield's too busy popping pills to be useful as the head of MMM. Riddler, though, wants to see how much he can achieve--he's ambitious. And while his propensity to leave clues at his crimes may often be his downfall, that would be less of an issue in such an organization.
Riddler sits atop of MMM, analyzing resources and determining just how much damage they can do. Bloodshed may not be the end result, but who says killing is the biggest act of villainy? Imagine the anguish of millions when presented with Sudoku puzzles that, unknown to them, have no solution! What best qualifies him, though, is that he can't be bought off--not for any amount of money. What do you call a villain who acts only for the challenge, for the ability to prove what he's capable of? Answer: Riddler!
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