Back to Fantasturbation: Rock Concert

People like to fantasize about things. Some dream about cars they'll never have. Others place their focus on attractive celebrities, supermodels, the like. Still others have football fantasies, and I'm really not sure how that works.

Touchdown! Pnts +6

I prefer to fantasize about things that are even less likely. Like robot takeovers. Or zombie invasions. Or, in this case, a concert made up of all my favorite songs. Played by the original artists. All in one continuous event that would shake the very foundation of rock history! Also of the planet. So I present:

Fantasy Concert I

No time for opening bands, here. I'm talking about almost two full hours of awesome music.
Sponsored by Powerthirst.

The crowd chants in anticipation. We want ROCK. We want ROCK. We want ROCK. That's not slang for crack cocaine--they want music that will blast their bones and burst their eardrums. Up on the stage are very regal-looking curtains concealing the set. As the violence escalates into anticipatory mosh pits, the lights start flashing and the cheers go up. Out comes...

Vanessa Carlton.


The regal curtains pull back to reveal a piano and even more regal-looking curtains. The sweet hard-rockin' sounds of her piano reverberate through the stadium as the female population screams and the rest of the crowd falls into general confusion. But that quickly washes away as the smooth sounds of her voice open "Home". And as the crowd is being lulled by her sweet sweet notes, another piano raises its voice as Regina Spektor jumps into the opening keys of "Us". When she finishes, people are already starting to fall into (doomed) love, so it's only appropriate that the next person to come out is Rachael Yamagata, singing "I Want You". All are happy and blissful at the closing lyrics "...until I make you mine." But don't worry, the emotional roller coaster is just starting as the first surprise guest comes out!

NPFH!

Dressed as Dr. Horrible, he duets with Rachael from the Dr. Horrible soundtrack. They cannot believe their eyes, nor can the crowd as the two belt out the rockingly sensitive and slightly tragic song. Then out comes Jenny Lewis in full Pink Ranger regalia, curing the crowd's woes by telling them to "See Fernando". Some of the crowd take her advice literally, and start trippin' on acid, which is a bit expected at a concert of this magnitude. I don't use any, but I certainly feel like I am when out comes Milla Jovovich to sing "Left & Right". The crowd goes wild, or maybe just I do--but no, damnit, this is my fantasy and I say the whole entire crowd goes crazy. And they're so hopped up on acid that they think they see Jack Black come out on stage. Which he does, because Tenacious D is there to play the greatest song in the world! Or at least the "Tribute".

At this point the crowd is writhing on the floor in pleasure and hallucinatory fits. So it's time for a set change. Jack Black has to be dragged off by security and the curtains rustle for the set change. One bathroom break and hit of skittles later, the show is ready for round two. The curtains are ripped down, uncovering a gigantic castle complete with dragons, princesses, and horse-mounted knights. We learn very quickly where those knights are from as Muse opens up "Knights of Cydonia" while the knights fight the giant dragon creatures. The first set of heroes dispatched, it's time for a new song and a familiar guitar riff and tapping solo introduce the most colorful of heroes, the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Only Jenny Lewis and I know the lyrics beyond the first chorus, but it still rocks. Chris Cornell follows with "You Know My Name," but due to copyright issues, James Bond cannot appear in any of his incarnations. Instead, Bon Jovi shows up and offers an accurate description of Bond: "You Give Love a Bad Name".

A mighty wind blows in heavy thunder and lightning as the concert shifts from rocking hard to rocking like a hurricane. The crowd rejoices, except for one unfortunate soul who picks the wrong time to stagedive and gets hit by lightning. The Scorpions get shoved offstage by what appears to be a plump ten year-old, until we realize the very literal joke that's coming: ACDC plays "Thunderstruck". Don't worry, though. The 80s metal session isn't done yet. Hell's bells ring Brian Johnson offstage--but no. It's actually the opening to Iron Maiden's "Hallowed Be Thy Name"! There is much cheering, shooting-up, and air guitar. But there's bound to be more as everyone realizes the dragons are actually real and they chase Maiden into the castle! What can stop them? Who should defeat them? Only the smooth guitar hook of "Sweet Child O' Mine", and Slash finishes them off with perhaps the greatest solo in music history.

The concert breaks for a set change and carnage cleanup. The crowd is beginning to get anxious when the sounds of guitar strumming silence them. What song is this? Who's playing? None are sure until the most recognizable riff of all time literally blasts the roof off the stadium. The second surprise guest is revealed: Eric Clapton.



The closing notes of "Layla" transition into the melancholy notes of a piano. No, Vanessa Carlton isn't back onstage, it's Epica beginning "Tides of Time"--the song that transcends power ballad the same way atomic bomb transcends spark. The entire crowd falls to tears. (Again, it's my fantasy. And I say everyone cries at Tides of Time only because it's slightly more legitimate than crying at the concert's opening song.) But those tears are blasted off our faces by the powerful vibrations of Evanescence's "Tourniquet". Before anyone can recover--or contemplate the outright depressing meaning of the lyrics--Disturbed runs onstage and tears up the stage with "Torn". Halfway through the epic solo, half the crowd faints. It's up to Cristina Scabbia and the rest of Lacuna coil to revive them with "Spellbound". After the solo and the closing lyrics "I will break this spell you put on me!" the crowd comes back for the last song of the night. Killswitch Engage graces us with "My Last Serenade", and in an explosion of awesomeness, world peace spreads across the globe.


But wait! Encore! the crowd chants. Encore! Encore! One guy shouts "Freebird!" and manages not to get kicked out on account of the world peace thing. But Nightwish comes out of a swirling black vortex of rock and mosh pits form again, pretty much undoing that whole thing. Tarja sings opposite returning guest Neil Patrick fucking Harris for "Phantom of the Opera" and I have run out of words to describe the awesome. Just when the crowd things we can take no more, the final surprise guest appears from the swirling black vortex (yeah, that was literal): zombie Randy Rhoads!

He pretty much looks like regular Randy Rhoads.

Playing "Mr. Crowley", he tears a hole in the fabric of the universe taking us all from this life and transporting us all to rock heaven. Which I imagine looks something like this: