Thanksgiving Top 5

Thanksgiving is the holiday where US citizens celebrate friendship, obesity, football, and centuries-old oppression of Native Americans (see Manifest Destiny). Or something like that. Anyway, the important part of Thanksgiving is the "thanks". Well...and the "giving". I guess Thankstaking would be a completely different holiday. Aaanyway: the purpose of the holiday is for you to rack your brains thinking of something that you're thankful for. Most people go with the basics--food, family, Marisa Miller.

Some people celebrate Thanksgiving every day.

Wow, this post is one digression away from becoming a Family Guy episode. So let's--no. You know what? Let's just embrace it.



That feels better. Now (finally), what follows are a list of pop-culture-related-type-things that I'm thankful for, tailored for your enjoyment. So, y'know...enjoy.

Succeed Blog

With the popularity of Fail Blog and FML, there's a lot of negativity on the internet. Especially when you count the absurd flame wars raging in the comments section of basically any webpage. That's why I'm thankful for Succeed Blog--it provides a much-needed dose of optimism in this bleak, dreary, pessimistic world. Also, it's awesome. Highlights include: Obstacle Course Succeed, Train Dodge Succeed, Theme Song Succeed, and basically every single thing on there. But especially Monkey-on-a-Goat-on-a-Cup-on-a-Tightrope Succeed.



Jenny Lewis

Not only is she the lead singer of Rilo Kiley, who are entirely awesome in their own right, and an accomplished solo singer, Jenny Lewis has a history of being insanely awesome. It started when her first acting gig was in a Jell-O commercial. Then, deciding that was somehow minimally awesome, she starred in a 1989 movie with Fred Savage about the Nintendo World Championships that featured the short-lived Nintendo accessory the Power Glove. Only by an act of Satan is this not the highest-grossing movie of all time. But, really, all the reasons I'm thankful for Jenny Lewis can be summed up in this picture:

Marriage material.

The 80s

What? The movie with Jenny Lewis wasn't enough to convince you? For shame. How about the evolution of headbanging, with people like Ozzy Osbourne, Scorpions, Metallica, and Iron Maiden? No? How about Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux, and the Jamaican bobsled team of the '88 Olympics? Still no? What about Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Batman, and Ghostbusters movies? Even that won't convince you!? Well, Stingy McNo-fun, I dare you to resist the awesomeness of Dancin' Kim!



Actors Whose Names are Reducible to Three Letters

Proof:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (JGL)


Robert Downey Jr. (RDJ)


Neil Patrick Harris (NPH)



Actresses Whose Names are Olivia Wilde

Proof, which isn't needed but is being given anyway: She took her stage name from Oscar Wilde, one of the funniest people to have ever existed. She was in The Black Donnellys, which you probably haven't seen and is one of the biggest voids in your otherwise-enjoyable life. And she's married to an Italian prince. I'm not actually thankful for that last part, but you know you've hit other-worldly levels of awesome when you marry European royalty.

Also, this picture

Ask Men: Translated

Recently, I came across this article on Ask Men detailing the Top 10 Ways to Attract Sexy Women. Not that I really consider Ask Men a trustworthy source of anything, but this seemed like a useful enough skill to be worth investigation. So I read the article. Oddly enough, about 50% of it was decent advice (in theory), with horrible explanations. The other 50% was just hilariously awful. But what struck me most was not the collection of absurd pictures, or even the way that the link for their "facts" is apparently some kind of phishing scam. No, what really impressed me was the way this article was clearly written by a man in the midst of some serious, crisis-level denial, and whose bitterness about his entire history comes out through insults that deflect his self-hatred onto the reader. Both of which happen to be ingredients for a wonderful self-help article.

Since I know you love seeing the shattered remnants of a once hopeful human being, I'm going to save you the trouble of clicking through the slide show, and translate all 10 items right here. That way you can either A) attempt to use the advice to hilarious consequences, or B) laugh at the stupidity of everyone who attempts item A. You can thank me later.

Much better advice than anything that follows.

Top 10 [Translated] Ways to Attract Sexy Women

10 - Flirt With All Women

Ask Men says: "When you tease and bust on a woman whom you're not interested in, and continue to keep the sexual tension up, other women will pick up on your confident vibe and wonder why you’re not flirting with them. Nice."

Translation: If you flirt with enough women, maybe one of them will take pity on you and actually agree to a date. Good job, loser.

9 - Tease Her

Ask Men says: "Even though an outsider might look at an evening that you spend with her and say: 'He didn't treat her very well; he was difficult, very challenging and not complimentary at all,' at the end of the evening the woman you're with will go home with a deep, profound feeling of inner satisfaction that she won't be able to describe. So take the time to learn."

Translation: If you believe people actually say things like "he was...very challenging and not complimentary at all", you'll believe this too: Remember how all the hot girls in college only ever dated total douchebags? Hot girls are attracted to that--it's like sex to them. Be a douchebag.

8 - Be Exciting to Sexy Women Online

Ask Men says: "Instead of writing the typical 'You sound very interesting, we have a lot in common…' try something like 'Hey, I don't think that this picture is really you. What, did you go to the mall and get one of those glamour shots done or something? Do you have a real picture? Like you at home on your Stairmaster or something? Or do you even work out? OK, stop trying to fool all of us guys and let's see what you really look like.' "

Translation: Be a douchebag online too! Imply that she needs to use a Stairmaster and is inherently dishonest. Women love that.

7 - Lead Her

Ask Men says: "There's always a smooth, interesting way to take the ball and move forward with it. If you don't, you'll spend many of your evenings snuggling up to the TV."

Translation: There are two possible outcomes for your life. The first involves you with a woman. The second involves you, alone, miserable, huddled under your snuggie with a trough of ice cream and a tub of hand lotion, watching G.I. Ho through a pathetic stream of man-tears. And if you're coming here for advice, it's not going to be the first one.

6 - Pass the Sexy-Woman Test

Ask Men says: "When a woman throws down the challenge, or starts to test you, instead of responding by saying: 'OK, whatever you want,' you need to create even more tension, turn it up and understand how to amplify the sexual tension and attraction in the situation. If you don’t understand tests, you'll just misinterpret everything that happens and miss all your opportunities."

Translation:


5 - Be a Leader

Ask Men says: "Sexy women aren't attracted to Wussies. So how could you characterize a Wuss? A Wussy is a guy who is weak, indecisive and insecure. A Wussy isn't in control, and he doesn't make decisions."

Translation: You are a Wuss, and I, the author of this article, am apparently ten years old.

4 - Date Her Casually

Ask Men says: "[If] you want to just see a woman casually and not have her become 'hooked' on you, then don't call her more than a couple of times a week, and don't see her more than once a week -- maybe twice sometimes."

Translation: Don't ever expect to go on more than one date with a woman. More ambitious attempts will only result in failure. [Note that this item makes absolutely no mention of how this makes sexy women attracted to you. It merely attempts to define casual dating--presumably because the author has never been on more than one date with a woman.]

3 - Stop Chasing

Ask Men says: "I can remember when I used to call women too often, and if they didn't show up, I'd get upset and try to set up another date with them, etc. Of course, they'd usually play hard to get, and wind up thinking that I was a Wussy because I just accepted their flaky behavior. [...] When a woman flakes, don’t worry about it. Just move on."

Translation:

There's more!

2 - Give Her Space

Ask Men says: "If a woman says: 'I need time to get to know myself' or 'I need to find myself' or any variation of this common theme, it usually means you were acting like a Wuss, being clingy and generally not a challenge anymore. If you become too predictable, too involved, too needy, too Wuss-ish, and too 'head over heels' too early in the relationship, it will drive a woman away."

Translation: Remember, you're a Wuss. And if you try to get too close to a hot chick, you'll probably only end up with disappointment and/or restraining order.

1 - Be Willing to Hit the Road
[I swear that's actually what it says.]

Ask Men says: "I get so many e-mails from guys who have met a great girl, but they screwed it up because they made her 'too important' mentally. In other words, when things started to get difficult, instead of taking the attitude of 'next,' which creates all kinds of attraction, they cling and do exactly the things that cause the woman to hit the road for good. It’s much better to have the mental attitude of 'I'm going to enjoy this woman's company for as long as it stays a good thing. The moment that she becomes a strain or a pain I'm out of here. I don't need problems or drama in my life.' "

Translation: If following this advice has, by some miracle of an other-worldly power, actually managed to land you a hot chick, don't get your hopes up. She's going to leave you at any moment. In fact, she's probably plotting it right now. Basically, you should just get used to getting dumped right now, because that's going to be the story of your life. Story. Of. Your. Life. (Wuss.)

Pictured: You, for the rest of your life.
Or: the article's author.

Clearly the author actually is just balls-deep in denial. I point to the entirety of item #3 as evidence that he's probably never had a woman return a call in his life. ("Why aren't they returning my calls? It must be because they're playing hard-to-get. My sexist and misogynist demeanor has nothing to do with it.") Half the article is spent asserting that women need to be told what to do (#5-9), while the other half is reserved for preparing for their ultimate, and likely vicious, rejection (#1-4 and 10). I can't wait for Ask Men's next self-help guide: Top 10 Ways to Force Women to Love You: the Chemical Formulas.

The Evil That Men Do (Gets Repeated)

It happened. Fox has done the unthinkable. (Well, more like the predictable-yet-unforgivable.) Today, November 11, 2009, Fox Broadcasting Company cancelled Dollhouse. The depth of the tragedy lies in both losing such a morally complex and riveting story, and Joss Whedon getting screwed over yet again. In short, I am inconsolable.

Truly: my rage cannot be contained. It's like those Great White Sharks in Deep Blue Sea, only, angrier, not computer-animated, and Samuel L Jackson won't be the victim (unless he turns out to be behind the decision). I see only two possible paths from this point. The first is to go on a V-for-Kill-Bill style search for vengeance, using every combination of knives, samurai katana, and household explosives imaginable to systematically track down and destroy anyone involved in the death of my beloved TV show, preferably while wearing a yellow track suit and a Guy Fawkes mask.

Remember, remember the yellow avenger.

But...no. I will not descend into those depths. I am not a killer--that title rests with Fox. So, (I would like to stress this for legal purposes,) no one will die because of this. Not even that kind of revenge would be sufficient to express my indignation. No, there's only way for me to do that:

Write a poem.

Yes! Only in the deep nuances of the poetic form can I ever hope to fully convey my outrage. Not even the bloodiest rampage can compete with an AABB rhyme scheme. (Check out KMDB for proof, twice). Thus, I present:

Fuck You Fox
(A Sonnet)

Dollhouse was a show sexy, sleek, and smart,
and yet you had doomed it from the start.
The first small fact I'd like for you to note:
viewers don't see what you don't promote.
You kept the future from being bright
by deciding to air it on Friday night.
With a lead-in so bad, I can't bear it;
name one person who watches Brad Garrett!
And now you have wronged Joss Whedon twice,
meanwhile pretending to play it nice.
But Fox, your disguise fools us no more.
Beneath your facade, you're just a whore.
Ah, but what phoenix rises from this burn?
Time for an evil Doctor to return.