I have a lot of fond memories from my childhood. Most of the bad ones got repressed and will spend the next couple decades festering in my subconscious until they finally break through and send me into a crippling midlife crisis. If I'm lucky, I'll at least be able to make money off of it by selling my soul to the TV companies like most celebrities. Getting back on topic though, I had no shortage of happy things permeating my youth. But there were a few things that really brought the smiles, more than the others. Those things were Power Rangers, Sonic the Hedgehog, Dunkaroos, and...
That's right. I friggin' loved the Powerpuff Girls. And, if we're being honest, I still do. There's just something about a trio of kindergarten girls kicking ass that's infinitely appealing to me. I mean, just watch the intro!
If you don't get even a little bit excited when Buttercup flies in with the guitar riff, then you, sir, are a cold and heartless human being. Or maybe you just don't appreciate fine American cartoons. Or maybe your volume is turned off. The point is, Powerpuff Girls was a highlight of my childhood.
Which makes the following information all the more tragic: A few years back, Japan decided it would be a good idea to take the cute little Powerpuffs and turn them into teenage superheroes with weapons and Zeus knows what other kinds of "enhancements", and name this blasphemy PowerPuff Girls Z. Now, I'm usually a big fan of the Japanese, despite their, uh...eccentricities? Yeah, let's go with that. I mean, they gave us Pokemon, basically all the technology that currently exists, and even the goddamn Power Rangers!
While I might be able to overlook gimp USB-holders, excrement-themed plush dolls and, yes, even the penis putter, this is crossing the line. With repeated Hollywood bastardizations of childhood staples, I realize that not much remains sacred anymore. But now that the former CartoonNetwork has gone to shit (seriously, just try watching an episode of Total Drama Island--try), I had hoped this masterpiece of animation might remain untouched. Boy was I wrong.
I guess a country with underwear vending machines isn't likely to leave anything untouched.As someone who can't stand people who publicly denounce something without at least investigating, I sat through two whole episodes (like the original PPG, the episodes are only about 12 minutes long). Here's the thing: it's not a human rights violation, and it was executed decently, but the whole thing was just ill-conceived, overly-complicated, and entirely unnecessary. (Side-note: Sorry, I'll curtail the compound modifiers in the future.)
Remember the concept for the original? "Sugar, spice, and everything nice: these were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction...Chemical X! Thus the Powerpuff Girls were born!" Three sentences. But Powerpuff Girls Z eschews simplicity in favor of ruining everything that was good about the original.
Now, not only are the girls 13, Professor Utonium isn't their father/creator, and they're not even sisters! Here's a three-sentence description for their new origins. Professor Utonium is studying Chemical X. Then, his robotic dog accidentally throws a"Big Luck Bun" into the vat, thus creating the more powerful Chemical Z, which his son/young assistant/love slave (it's really unclear) then hooks up to a giant laser beam that happens to be sitting around to shoot the giant iceberg that has invaded Tokyo Bay so that the debris from the blast falls to earth in white and black pieces and the white pieces fall on three random girls to give them superpowers and new clothes while the black pieces turn ordinary people and animals into villains. Thus the Powerpuff Girls (Z) were born, er...incidentally created. Oh yes, you read that correctly: no more city of Townsville. Plus the girls now have weird weapons (a yo-yo, an enormous bubble-maker, and a giant hammer), and their powers appear to be controlled by rings. And there's no fucking narrator! He was the best part of the whole show!
Not even he could salvage this.I'm not quite sure who gets the worst treatment of the trio. In their transformed states, Blossom and Buttercup (which are no longer their real names, just their personas) become Hyper Blossom and Powered Buttercup, while Bubbles becomes...Rolling Bubbles. Not exactly awe-inspiring. As mentioned, Hyper Blossom's weapon is a yo-yo, and it's not even a giant one. I suppose Buttercup comes out fairly unscathed, although her father is apparently a masked wrestler and this is what she aspires to in life. And I won't even start on Mojo Jojo, who is now just a head and hands attached to a giant cape who says his name every half-second so either he or the viewer won't forget it. But the clear loser in this whole scenario is anyone who's ever seen an episode of the original Powerpuff Girls.
This isn't over, Japan. Right now you're safe because you continue to give us Ninja Warrior. But don't think the flying cars, x-ray guns, and real-life lolcats you have will keep you safe forever. Retribution is coming. Huge, scaly, green retribution.
