Academy Awards are nearly impossible to win. Just ask accomplished actors Martin Sheen (10 Emmy nods) and Gary Oldman (3 MTV Movie nods), who have yet to receive a single nomination. And even if you manage to act your way to a nomination, you could end up like Peter O'Toole, who failed to win for Venus, My Favorite Year, The Stuntman, The Ruling Class, Goodbye Mr. Chips, The Lion in Winter, Becket, and Lawrence of Arabia. (He wasn't even nominated for Supergirl!)
There is, however, one way to cheat. It is the only method through which you are guaranteed, 100%, to get yourself that nomination and end the night holding the shimmering little gold man between your greedy, Cheetos-stained fingers. Do not think this task easy. Many actors have tried this method and, to my knowledge, only one has ever been successful. But maybe, just maybe, if you work hard enough, you could be the second. So here it is, the one way you can be certain to win yourself an Academy Award: be Meryl Streep.
Meryl Streep wins again."Ridiculous," you shout! "Impossible," you cry! "Won't that require surgical operations?" you inquire! Well...yes. In all likelihood. But the truth is that being Meryl Streep is the only sure-fire way to win an Academy Award. Sure, some of the more educated readers may point out that Meryl has only won two of her fifteen nominations (that's like a QB rating of 55) as proof that she's far from a lock when it comes to Academy Awards. Those same people, however, haven't read this article.
In case you're lazy, or just don't know how to read, that article says that Mrs. Streep need only show up to the ceremony to walk away with an armful of awards. Okay, technically it just says that the Oscar bosses are "struggling to come up with nominees", and that there was a "general lack of good roles for women", but those are just euphemisms for "We love Meryl, and would give her the award for Best Sound Mixing if we could."
Another way to win is to have no talent whatsoever.Now I'm not about to knock Meryl Streep, least of all for her acting abilities--she deserves those awards. Also, I saw Doubt. And I'm kind of afraid that only 50% of her performace was acting (brilliant acting, mind you), and the other 50% was just being pants-crappingly terrifying by nature. Maybe the Academy saw The Devil Wears Prada and came to the same conclusion. I wouldn't blame them.
Satan fears this woman.Okay, time for a quick recap. Academy Awards = Movie Superbowl. Meryl Streep has a QB rating of 55. Meryl Streep is Superbowl champion. Don't ever cross Meryl Streep unless you want to wake up one day with your horse's severed head staring you in your screaming face. Got it? Awesome. Now go get that award!
[Update 9/1: Meryl was kind enough to share her own opinions on the topic.]
Addendum: Meryl, if you happen to be reading this post, I'd just like to say that I actually think you're a tremendously gifted actress, and that I truly enjoy the way your performances force me to wear diapers to the theatres. Best of luck in February.
