Medal Round

COMPETITION SECTION
Readers are strongly encouraged to watch all videos before reading on.

Comedy

Bronze Medal- Bo Burnham



What's not to love about Bo Burnham? Well, okay. He does sing about klansmen and vomit-inducing romances, among other things. That's kind of a legitimate argument. But you have to admire the kid's cleverness. The above video, "Bo Fo Sho" is one of the best demonstrations, contested only by his equally-brilliant "New Math". If you're ever having one of those days when you feel like everyone else is much, much smarter than you could ever hope to be, despite what your mom told you whenever she wasn't knocking back the Grey Goose, watch one of Bo's videos. It'll worsen the feeling, but you'll be proven right in the process.

Silver Medal- The Most Adorable Animal (To Ever Go on a Bloody Rampage [#4])


Some people have irrational fears, like acrophobia, the fear of being so high up somewhere that one misstep will result in your not-nearly-immediate-enough demise. Other people have rational fears. By far the most rational fear is Gopherbia: the fear of of an animal so terrifyingly evil, Hell itself ran away shrieking like the naked chick in an 80s horror flick. I'm not sure which was the worse idea, trying to chemical-spray the gopher to death like a gigantic furry burrowing cockroach, or attempting to light a cigarette in the tiny enclosed supercombustible...oh wait. It's the second one. The only thing holding this article back from the gold medal was the author's equally idiotic decision to rank the gopher's rampage at #4. My guess is that the creature's attackers would rather have died in that explosion than live only to have their dreams haunted by its furious, demonic, rodenty visage.

Gold Medal- Powerthirst (& Powerthirst 2)



Some people tell you, "When God gives you lemons, make lemonade." Powerthirst tells you, "When God gives you lemons, you FIND A NEW GOD." It also promises winning at sports, arson, and irony. Additionally, babies. In fact, only the constraints of time prevent Powerthirst's limitless promises--I bet there's nothing it can't give you. Want to be the smartest person in the world? Go on a Powerthirst binge. Want to have the biggest everything ever? Fill the Thanksgiving turkey with Powerthirst. Want to become Batman? Combine both of the above. Want to fly on your rocket can to another dimension where you can beat up all the bad guys and probably the good guys too so that you can be the supreme ruler and conqueror and hold everyone under your complete and unwavering dominion while you have 400 babies? Powerthirst + LSD = victory!

Making the World a Better Place

Bronze Medal - Demotivators (Despair Inc.)


Really, the above picture says it all. Demotivators were the precursor to Tom Hansen's beautifully frank comment in (500) Days of Summer, "If Pickles goes for it, that's a dead cat." Despair.org gets the bronze medal for injecting a much-needed dose of reality into a world where school teachers and corporate leaders try to cover up massively failing systems with sentimental posters. Or at least that's the official answer. They really get it for being friggin' hilarious. See: Ambition, Possibilities, and the real medal-winner, Wishes.

Silver Medal - Buffy vs Edward



On a list of threats to the existence of humanity, Twilight mania ranks slightly above gophers and slightly below zombie snails. But the danger is undeniable. Good thing we have Buffy, who showed up on the Top 5 list for saving the world--because the biggest danger posed by Twilight surprisingly is not the number of deaths in massive preteen girls/middle-aged women stampedes. Rather, it's proliferating the notion that anything Edward Cullen does is at all not-creepy. This video uses the greatness of Buffy to reveal the fact that Edward Cullen is actually as romantic as Jeffrey Dahmer. (Seriously. They both eat people.) And to add some truth-in-advertising: no, I've never read a Twilight book or seen any of the movies. But sometimes you just know things are bad. Take food for instance. Have you ever tasted a turd? Of course not, because you just know sampling that steamy pile would leave you retching for weeks. And that's exactly what Edward Cullen is: a turd in the mouth of society.

And speaking of Joss Whedon...

Gold Medal - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog



Not only was Dr. Horrible possibly the biggest straight-to-Hulu production of all time, but it also showed that quality work could be produced without the interference of large studios who tend to suck away all the profits. Oh, and it's absolutely amazing. Fact #1: It stars Neil Patrick Harris as a singing, blogging supervillain. Fact #2: All other facts are irrelevant. If you've somehow missed this piece of history, a plague upon your house!

And when that passes, you should totally check it out on iTunes.

The First (and Only) Annual Internet Awards - Achievement Section

The Olympics are closing out this weekend. The Academy Awards are coming up. And, in a stunning dismissal of reality, the Internet is in talks for a Nobel Peace Prize (nomination). By which I mean it has an entire campaign and is actually gaining support. Before moving on to the main topic of this post, I would like to address the lone fact that will crush that campaign: every single internet commenter ever makes more sweeping generalizations and uses more hyperbole than any person you would ever meet in a million and a half years. It's a scientific fact. Plus, there's even a CollegeHumor video about it, which trumps scientific fact.



But I'm not here to bash the internet. In fact, that very idea seems like the least poetic concept imaginable. The truth is, I love the internet! Without it, I would be forced to print out a few--an entire few--physical copies of these articles for distribution for my readers. Probably on a regular schedule, too, rather than my preferred whenever-I-feel-like-posting system. And let's not even mention the loss of hyperlinking.

So, in honor of the Olympics, the Academy Awards, and most importantly, the internet, I'm handing out (figuratively) some awards/medals for some of the greatest feats ever to grace "teh interwebz". Today's post: Internet Achievements.

Best Waste of Time Disguised as Something Legit - Facebook


Facebook is a self-described social networking site. Change one letter, though, and the description becomes more accurate: social notworking site! Sure, flash games may be a better waste of time, but they're open about the fact that they're only there to help college kids not write papers. Facebook purports to having a real purpose. But, let's be honest, 98% of facebook usage is for procrastination, 1.5% is for creating events for raging keggers on the weekends/holidays, 0.4% is for drunken wall-posts and facebook chats after said parties, with the remaining 0.1% for truly connecting with people. Except, "truly connecting" means allowing you to keep track of that sleazy kid from your high school who knocked a girl up right after he graduated, despite being the least-qualified person you know to raise a child. But, hey! Now that you're facebook friends with your mom, she can finally see your kegstand skills and trashy hookups!

Greatest Way to Rediscover Joys of Childhood - Video Game Cover Music

Pictured: the Segatar.

Chances are, if you're anyone worth befriending, you probably played at least one of the following as a child: Sonic the Hedgehog, Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong, Pokemon, Kirby, or at the very least, Tetris. If so: great news! (If not, please leave.) The iconic music from all of those games (and many others) can be found all over the place in updated, not-so-8-bit form! The samples range from orchestral, to metal, and each is exciting in its own way. My personal favorite is a Sonic the Hedgehog rock medley. But perhaps the most impressive is Zelda Reorchestrated, which takes the already epic music from Legend of Zelda games and amplifies it with a fully orchestral sound. Nostalgia to the max.

Most Significant Innovation in Stalking - Google Earth

"Thank you Google Earth." -Dr. Tobias Funke

Stalking used to be tough work. If you wanted to stalk the cute girl from philosophy, you had to do everything the old-fashioned way, hovering around her all day, waiting for her to let slip a piece of crucial information like a phone number. Then you would have to pull out an actual phone book, look up the street address matching that number, and use a paper map to guess where 1701 Peaceful Serene Garden Lane is. And even after all of that, you'd still have to wait in the bushes for hours for her to come out of the house just so you could follow her to her friend's house where they would hopefully have a pool party, only to be disappointed when it turned out to be a Meatloaf and Dawson's Creek party involving a traumatic armpit-shaving session. But I'm of the firm belief that these difficulties increased the rewards. Google Earth let's you plug in all that facebook info and provides you instant access to equally-dispiriting Grey's Anatomy marathons where they just text each other about that creeper from Philosophy and don't even make out a little bit.

Sunday's Post: the Medal Round!

"Bang-a Bong-a" (A Song by Gunther)

[Disclaimer: This song is in no way actually affiliated with the artist Gunther, but is merely my response to the intricate themes I've discovered by a close analysis of his art.]

About four times every year, I get into a phase where I just can't get enough of Swedish pop artist Gunther. Can you blame me? The guy is so awesome that floors have been broken at his concerts--I've seen the repaired damage. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, I am providing the video of his most famous (and perhaps most loved) song: The Ding Dong Song. Below that you'll find the links to two of his songs that use the exact same music.



Teeny Weeny String Bikini

Sunstrip

Good stuff, that. Now, I may never be able to write anything as deep and unifying as Gunther can, but that doesn't mean I can't try! And what better time to try than Valentine's Day: the day of love...and Hallmark (and massacres). So, without any further delay, I present to you: Bang-a Bong-a (A Song by Gunther [but written by me!])

It's the wrong holiday but...fuck it. He's got a puppy.

Bang-a Bong-a
(to the approximate tune of "Ding Dong Song")

Gunther [chorus]: I want to bang-a bong-a
I want to uh-uh-uh (Mmm)
I want to dance up on ya
Ooooh, I want sex

Sunshine Girls: La-la-la-la

G: It is night at the club
You are looking very hot
You are dancing, you are sweaty
And you wipe away a snot

I see you looking at me
And not the other dudes
You know where I am looking
...at your boobs.

SG [refrain]: Oh, oh, oh, oh, Gunther we love you
This is what you pay us to do
Sing and say how much we love you
Hey next week our checks will be due!

[Chorus]

G: That night in the room
You are sitting next to me
You are pressing the right buttons
To turn on ...the TV

When I say "the TV"
It's not a metaphor for sex
But as far as rhyming
Really, that's my best

SG: La-la-la-la

G: That night in the bed
We are getting all sex-y
But you fall asleep
Because you have narcolepsy

[Refrain]

[Chorus]

G: It is now 2AM
And I sit here a loner
Because you are asleep
But I have a huge boner (So huge!)

SG: Hey guess what: Gunther we hate you
We are not your little sex toys
Who would ever want to date you?
We all know that you just like boys.

[Chorus x2]

G: Uhhh

A Stitch in Time...is Cheaper to Outsource to Asia

Ben Franklin's aphorisms might be a little different if he had lived 300 years later. Perhaps he would have quipped about beating out five presidents and a US Treasurer to get his picture on the $100 bill, or noted that holy shit, lightning! If nothing else, he would be much more cynical and immature.

Here's 35 aphorims from Poor Richard's Almanac and other locations, updated for modern relevancy. (The original parts are in normal font, while the modifications are italicized.)

Now with iPhone projectile!

After three days men grow weary / of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy. / But lolcats will live forever.

Necessity never made a good bargain. Then again, Necessity did everything through Craigslist.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. Unless the third is on twitter.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man definitely not a vampire.

What is serving God? Tis doing Good to Man. What is serving the church? I'm not sure, but it involves money in a basket and eating stale cookies.

There are three faithful friends -- an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. But on Facebook, you can have three thousand friends. Or acquaintances. Or random strangers. Whatever.

If you would not be forgotten / As soon as you are dead and rotten, / Either write things worthy reading, / Or better yet, make a fool of yourself on youtube.

He that riseth late partied hard yesternight.

When the well's dry, we know the worth of water. It's fucking expensive, and goes by the name Evian.

The cat in gloves catches no mice. And the Cat in the Hat makes a much better book than movie.

One good Husband is worth two good Wives, and most husbands have at least that many.

Fish and visitors stink after three days. So do your feet.

Who has deceiv'd thee so oft as thy self? Oh, right, Bernie Madoff.

A country man between two lawyers, is like a fish between two cats. It makes great internet humor.

To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish. Also, it gets you a restraining order.

"Didn't Ben Franklin have Syphilis?"

Be slow in chusing a friend, slower in changing. But really quick in accepting their friend requests, lest they be offended.

He that drinks his Cyder alone is an alcoholic. He that drinks with friends is just entertaining.

Fear not death, for we need you to provide us with hilarious videos.

He that drinks fast, wins flip-cup.

Love your Neighbour; just don't let your spouses find out.

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages. People who brag about the size of their packages have small packages.

Read much, but not too many books.

The sleeping Fox catches no poultry. And the broadcasting Fox tells no truth.

The end of Passion is the beginning of...marriage.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But the good stuff runs about $200 an ounce.

Courteous Reader / Remember that time is money. And give me both.

We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. ...There's a penis joke here somewhere.

Those who are feared are winning the bioweapons race.

A mob's a monster; heads enough but no brains. Kind of like Amy Winehouse.

Doing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one make you but even with him; embarrassing him online makes you rich and famous.

Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor liberty to purchase power. Anything else, just put on eBay.

Little strokes are best uninterrupted by your mother.

A penny saved is taxable income.

Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones; that's what she said.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Japan Joins the Fight to Ruin My Childhood

Or: Sorry for Taking Two Months to Post, Please Don't Hate Me

I have a lot of fond memories from my childhood. Most of the bad ones got repressed and will spend the next couple decades festering in my subconscious until they finally break through and send me into a crippling midlife crisis. If I'm lucky, I'll at least be able to make money off of it by selling my soul to the TV companies like most celebrities. Getting back on topic though, I had no shortage of happy things permeating my youth. But there were a few things that really brought the smiles, more than the others. Those things were Power Rangers, Sonic the Hedgehog, Dunkaroos, and...


That's right. I friggin' loved the Powerpuff Girls. And, if we're being honest, I still do. There's just something about a trio of kindergarten girls kicking ass that's infinitely appealing to me. I mean, just watch the intro!



If you don't get even a little bit excited when Buttercup flies in with the guitar riff, then you, sir, are a cold and heartless human being. Or maybe you just don't appreciate fine American cartoons. Or maybe your volume is turned off. The point is, Powerpuff Girls was a highlight of my childhood.

Which makes the following information all the more tragic: A few years back, Japan decided it would be a good idea to take the cute little Powerpuffs and turn them into teenage superheroes with weapons and Zeus knows what other kinds of "enhancements", and name this blasphemy PowerPuff Girls Z. Now, I'm usually a big fan of the Japanese, despite their, uh...eccentricities? Yeah, let's go with that. I mean, they gave us Pokemon, basically all the technology that currently exists, and even the goddamn Power Rangers!

While I might be able to overlook gimp USB-holders, excrement-themed plush dolls and, yes, even the penis putter, this is crossing the line. With repeated Hollywood bastardizations of childhood staples, I realize that not much remains sacred anymore. But now that the former CartoonNetwork has gone to shit (seriously, just try watching an episode of Total Drama Island--try), I had hoped this masterpiece of animation might remain untouched. Boy was I wrong.

I guess a country with underwear vending machines isn't likely to leave anything untouched.

As someone who can't stand people who publicly denounce something without at least investigating, I sat through two whole episodes (like the original PPG, the episodes are only about 12 minutes long). Here's the thing: it's not a human rights violation, and it was executed decently, but the whole thing was just ill-conceived, overly-complicated, and entirely unnecessary. (Side-note: Sorry, I'll curtail the compound modifiers in the future.)

Remember the concept for the original? "Sugar, spice, and everything nice: these were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction...Chemical X! Thus the Powerpuff Girls were born!" Three sentences. But Powerpuff Girls Z eschews simplicity in favor of ruining everything that was good about the original.

Now, not only are the girls 13, Professor Utonium isn't their father/creator, and they're not even sisters! Here's a three-sentence description for their new origins. Professor Utonium is studying Chemical X. Then, his robotic dog accidentally throws a"Big Luck Bun" into the vat, thus creating the more powerful Chemical Z, which his son/young assistant/love slave (it's really unclear) then hooks up to a giant laser beam that happens to be sitting around to shoot the giant iceberg that has invaded Tokyo Bay so that the debris from the blast falls to earth in white and black pieces and the white pieces fall on three random girls to give them superpowers and new clothes while the black pieces turn ordinary people and animals into villains. Thus the Powerpuff Girls (Z) were born, er...incidentally created. Oh yes, you read that correctly: no more city of Townsville. Plus the girls now have weird weapons (a yo-yo, an enormous bubble-maker, and a giant hammer), and their powers appear to be controlled by rings. And there's no fucking narrator! He was the best part of the whole show!

Not even he could salvage this.

I'm not quite sure who gets the worst treatment of the trio. In their transformed states, Blossom and Buttercup (which are no longer their real names, just their personas) become Hyper Blossom and Powered Buttercup, while Bubbles becomes...Rolling Bubbles. Not exactly awe-inspiring. As mentioned, Hyper Blossom's weapon is a yo-yo, and it's not even a giant one. I suppose Buttercup comes out fairly unscathed, although her father is apparently a masked wrestler and this is what she aspires to in life. And I won't even start on Mojo Jojo, who is now just a head and hands attached to a giant cape who says his name every half-second so either he or the viewer won't forget it. But the clear loser in this whole scenario is anyone who's ever seen an episode of the original Powerpuff Girls.

This isn't over, Japan. Right now you're safe because you continue to give us Ninja Warrior. But don't think the flying cars, x-ray guns, and real-life lolcats you have will keep you safe forever. Retribution is coming. Huge, scaly, green retribution.

Thanksgiving Top 5

Thanksgiving is the holiday where US citizens celebrate friendship, obesity, football, and centuries-old oppression of Native Americans (see Manifest Destiny). Or something like that. Anyway, the important part of Thanksgiving is the "thanks". Well...and the "giving". I guess Thankstaking would be a completely different holiday. Aaanyway: the purpose of the holiday is for you to rack your brains thinking of something that you're thankful for. Most people go with the basics--food, family, Marisa Miller.

Some people celebrate Thanksgiving every day.

Wow, this post is one digression away from becoming a Family Guy episode. So let's--no. You know what? Let's just embrace it.



That feels better. Now (finally), what follows are a list of pop-culture-related-type-things that I'm thankful for, tailored for your enjoyment. So, y'know...enjoy.

Succeed Blog

With the popularity of Fail Blog and FML, there's a lot of negativity on the internet. Especially when you count the absurd flame wars raging in the comments section of basically any webpage. That's why I'm thankful for Succeed Blog--it provides a much-needed dose of optimism in this bleak, dreary, pessimistic world. Also, it's awesome. Highlights include: Obstacle Course Succeed, Train Dodge Succeed, Theme Song Succeed, and basically every single thing on there. But especially Monkey-on-a-Goat-on-a-Cup-on-a-Tightrope Succeed.



Jenny Lewis

Not only is she the lead singer of Rilo Kiley, who are entirely awesome in their own right, and an accomplished solo singer, Jenny Lewis has a history of being insanely awesome. It started when her first acting gig was in a Jell-O commercial. Then, deciding that was somehow minimally awesome, she starred in a 1989 movie with Fred Savage about the Nintendo World Championships that featured the short-lived Nintendo accessory the Power Glove. Only by an act of Satan is this not the highest-grossing movie of all time. But, really, all the reasons I'm thankful for Jenny Lewis can be summed up in this picture:

Marriage material.

The 80s

What? The movie with Jenny Lewis wasn't enough to convince you? For shame. How about the evolution of headbanging, with people like Ozzy Osbourne, Scorpions, Metallica, and Iron Maiden? No? How about Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux, and the Jamaican bobsled team of the '88 Olympics? Still no? What about Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Batman, and Ghostbusters movies? Even that won't convince you!? Well, Stingy McNo-fun, I dare you to resist the awesomeness of Dancin' Kim!



Actors Whose Names are Reducible to Three Letters

Proof:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (JGL)


Robert Downey Jr. (RDJ)


Neil Patrick Harris (NPH)



Actresses Whose Names are Olivia Wilde

Proof, which isn't needed but is being given anyway: She took her stage name from Oscar Wilde, one of the funniest people to have ever existed. She was in The Black Donnellys, which you probably haven't seen and is one of the biggest voids in your otherwise-enjoyable life. And she's married to an Italian prince. I'm not actually thankful for that last part, but you know you've hit other-worldly levels of awesome when you marry European royalty.

Also, this picture

Ask Men: Translated

Recently, I came across this article on Ask Men detailing the Top 10 Ways to Attract Sexy Women. Not that I really consider Ask Men a trustworthy source of anything, but this seemed like a useful enough skill to be worth investigation. So I read the article. Oddly enough, about 50% of it was decent advice (in theory), with horrible explanations. The other 50% was just hilariously awful. But what struck me most was not the collection of absurd pictures, or even the way that the link for their "facts" is apparently some kind of phishing scam. No, what really impressed me was the way this article was clearly written by a man in the midst of some serious, crisis-level denial, and whose bitterness about his entire history comes out through insults that deflect his self-hatred onto the reader. Both of which happen to be ingredients for a wonderful self-help article.

Since I know you love seeing the shattered remnants of a once hopeful human being, I'm going to save you the trouble of clicking through the slide show, and translate all 10 items right here. That way you can either A) attempt to use the advice to hilarious consequences, or B) laugh at the stupidity of everyone who attempts item A. You can thank me later.

Much better advice than anything that follows.

Top 10 [Translated] Ways to Attract Sexy Women

10 - Flirt With All Women

Ask Men says: "When you tease and bust on a woman whom you're not interested in, and continue to keep the sexual tension up, other women will pick up on your confident vibe and wonder why you’re not flirting with them. Nice."

Translation: If you flirt with enough women, maybe one of them will take pity on you and actually agree to a date. Good job, loser.

9 - Tease Her

Ask Men says: "Even though an outsider might look at an evening that you spend with her and say: 'He didn't treat her very well; he was difficult, very challenging and not complimentary at all,' at the end of the evening the woman you're with will go home with a deep, profound feeling of inner satisfaction that she won't be able to describe. So take the time to learn."

Translation: If you believe people actually say things like "he was...very challenging and not complimentary at all", you'll believe this too: Remember how all the hot girls in college only ever dated total douchebags? Hot girls are attracted to that--it's like sex to them. Be a douchebag.

8 - Be Exciting to Sexy Women Online

Ask Men says: "Instead of writing the typical 'You sound very interesting, we have a lot in common…' try something like 'Hey, I don't think that this picture is really you. What, did you go to the mall and get one of those glamour shots done or something? Do you have a real picture? Like you at home on your Stairmaster or something? Or do you even work out? OK, stop trying to fool all of us guys and let's see what you really look like.' "

Translation: Be a douchebag online too! Imply that she needs to use a Stairmaster and is inherently dishonest. Women love that.

7 - Lead Her

Ask Men says: "There's always a smooth, interesting way to take the ball and move forward with it. If you don't, you'll spend many of your evenings snuggling up to the TV."

Translation: There are two possible outcomes for your life. The first involves you with a woman. The second involves you, alone, miserable, huddled under your snuggie with a trough of ice cream and a tub of hand lotion, watching G.I. Ho through a pathetic stream of man-tears. And if you're coming here for advice, it's not going to be the first one.

6 - Pass the Sexy-Woman Test

Ask Men says: "When a woman throws down the challenge, or starts to test you, instead of responding by saying: 'OK, whatever you want,' you need to create even more tension, turn it up and understand how to amplify the sexual tension and attraction in the situation. If you don’t understand tests, you'll just misinterpret everything that happens and miss all your opportunities."

Translation:


5 - Be a Leader

Ask Men says: "Sexy women aren't attracted to Wussies. So how could you characterize a Wuss? A Wussy is a guy who is weak, indecisive and insecure. A Wussy isn't in control, and he doesn't make decisions."

Translation: You are a Wuss, and I, the author of this article, am apparently ten years old.

4 - Date Her Casually

Ask Men says: "[If] you want to just see a woman casually and not have her become 'hooked' on you, then don't call her more than a couple of times a week, and don't see her more than once a week -- maybe twice sometimes."

Translation: Don't ever expect to go on more than one date with a woman. More ambitious attempts will only result in failure. [Note that this item makes absolutely no mention of how this makes sexy women attracted to you. It merely attempts to define casual dating--presumably because the author has never been on more than one date with a woman.]

3 - Stop Chasing

Ask Men says: "I can remember when I used to call women too often, and if they didn't show up, I'd get upset and try to set up another date with them, etc. Of course, they'd usually play hard to get, and wind up thinking that I was a Wussy because I just accepted their flaky behavior. [...] When a woman flakes, don’t worry about it. Just move on."

Translation:

There's more!

2 - Give Her Space

Ask Men says: "If a woman says: 'I need time to get to know myself' or 'I need to find myself' or any variation of this common theme, it usually means you were acting like a Wuss, being clingy and generally not a challenge anymore. If you become too predictable, too involved, too needy, too Wuss-ish, and too 'head over heels' too early in the relationship, it will drive a woman away."

Translation: Remember, you're a Wuss. And if you try to get too close to a hot chick, you'll probably only end up with disappointment and/or restraining order.

1 - Be Willing to Hit the Road
[I swear that's actually what it says.]

Ask Men says: "I get so many e-mails from guys who have met a great girl, but they screwed it up because they made her 'too important' mentally. In other words, when things started to get difficult, instead of taking the attitude of 'next,' which creates all kinds of attraction, they cling and do exactly the things that cause the woman to hit the road for good. It’s much better to have the mental attitude of 'I'm going to enjoy this woman's company for as long as it stays a good thing. The moment that she becomes a strain or a pain I'm out of here. I don't need problems or drama in my life.' "

Translation: If following this advice has, by some miracle of an other-worldly power, actually managed to land you a hot chick, don't get your hopes up. She's going to leave you at any moment. In fact, she's probably plotting it right now. Basically, you should just get used to getting dumped right now, because that's going to be the story of your life. Story. Of. Your. Life. (Wuss.)

Pictured: You, for the rest of your life.
Or: the article's author.

Clearly the author actually is just balls-deep in denial. I point to the entirety of item #3 as evidence that he's probably never had a woman return a call in his life. ("Why aren't they returning my calls? It must be because they're playing hard-to-get. My sexist and misogynist demeanor has nothing to do with it.") Half the article is spent asserting that women need to be told what to do (#5-9), while the other half is reserved for preparing for their ultimate, and likely vicious, rejection (#1-4 and 10). I can't wait for Ask Men's next self-help guide: Top 10 Ways to Force Women to Love You: the Chemical Formulas.